[DETECTIVE] WHO DID THIS?
It certainly wasn't me. No, no. Somebody, NOT ME, must have moved it between the time
I was the last person alone with the body in the room and then stepped out for a few minutes
to take care of some personal business that you don't need to know about!
Could have been anybody... except me.
[BUTLER] What the hell happened here?
[DETECTIVE] The body's been moved.
[BUTLER] On its own?
[DETECTIVE] No, of course not. Unless it did, in which case we've got way bigger problems than a simple murder.
[CHEF] What the hell happened here?
[BUTLER] The body's moved.
[CHEF] On its own?
[DETECTIVE] We haven't quite ruled that out just yet, but let's not forget we've got a murderer.
[COLONEL] Bully!
Quite a storm out there, eh, chaps? What are you doing huddled in here in fear?
[CHEF] We have a zombie problem.
[COLONEL] Ah, Homo necrosis! The MOST dangerous game.
Well, if someone needs to put the old lad down again, I'm well up for the privilege.
[DETECTIVE] What do you mean by "again", and what do you mean by "privilege"?
[COLONEL] I'm just saying, I've got plenty of...
e-experience on the matter.
[CHEF] So do I.
[DETECTIVE] Yeah, that just raises more questions.
[COLONEL] Well, I'm off to the grounds to see if I can catch a whiff of the old bag of bones, eh?
[BUTLER] Wait, weren't you and Mark the same age?
[COLONEL's maniacal laugh ends with a cough]
[DETECTIVE] All right, I don't trust him. Then again, I don't trust anyone.
Alright, lock this place down. Secure the front gate.
I don't want anyone in or out of this place until we get to the bottom of this.
[BUTLER] Locks won't keep people from getting out, sir.
[CHEF] Locks won't, but Chef will.
[DETECTIVE] Look, you're a real smart son of a bitch. Handsome, too. Beautiful, even.
BUT, we don't have time for this.
I think we forgot the most important question of all during our arousing game of whodunit.
Why?
Come, walk with me.
Why did he invite us all here? Why tonight?
He said we were celebrating something, but he never specified what.
It's almost as if this whole shindig of a hootenanny was just a ruse.
Mark was my friend: had been for years. But then he went quiet. I knew something was wrong, I just never figured out what.
Now I guess I never will.
Look, I'm gonna level with you; you're my new partner. I've been working with him for years.
Now I've been doing this for a long time, and I know something is wrong. There is a murderer—
[thunder and lightning]
—here amongst us, and we need to find him.
Now you look like a trustworthy...somebody. I know we just met, but I am an excellent judge of character.
Excellent like a fox.
I smiled and fed them a line of bullshit. The truth was, I couldn't trust them any more than the other skuzz around here.
But like my late partner once said right before he died, best to keep your enemies close. Wink wink.
You don't look like you have a reason to kill him. And if you do...
[laughs]
Best to keep your enemies close, eh? Wink wink.
So, the real question we should be asking is:
Who stood to gain the most from Mark's death?
Now, in my thorough analysis of the corpse's anal cavity, I discovered that in addition to being stabbed 37 times,
he was also poisoned, beaten, strangled, drowned, and shot, in that order.
Now, if you ask me, that's a lot of trouble to go through to knock off one guy, and it sure as shit is no accident.
No. No, my friend. There's gonna be no simple candlestick-in-the-library solution to this whole...puzzle.
So, we're gonna have to do the detective-ly thing and go through the victim's most private and personal possessions.
Well, after you.
[sighs] Looks rough, but I don't think he was killed here. Take a look around, see if you find anything, but BE CAREFUL.
I've lost three partners before to bedroom booby traps.
Make sure you don't tamper with any evidence!
Lemme know if you find anything.
You find a clue?
[COLONEL] You're quite on the case, aren't you?
Say, detective? May I borrow your friend here?
[DETECTIVE] Yeah, sure.
Don't worry, partner, I'll handle it from here.
[COLONEL] Bully.
Take a walk with me. I thought that it was about time that we got to...
KNOW each other.
Someplace far, far away from the prying eyes of, uh...
anyone else.
Come with me.
Now correct me if I'm wrong, but...you and the Mayor know each other, right?
He's a good man, that one. We've been fast friends for as long as I can remember.
Now there came a time when I could have said the same thing about Mark, but..
Well, best not to speak ill of the dead. Oh! The pool hasn't aged a day!
GERONIMO!
[MAYOR] Have you seen the Colonel?
I thought I heard him.
I need to speak with him. I may have been a little short at our last encounter.
Well, if you do see him, let me know.
[COLONEL] BULLY!
[COLONEL] Oh, life needs a bit of madness, eh, chap? Now, what were we talking about?
Oh, yes! The grisly business inside.
Well, I'm sure I'm not the first to say that our host had a great deal of enemies as of late.
My prying eye might suspect that the people who worked for him might have reason to stab him in the back.
God knows he's a tough son of a bitch to work for.
Oh, the old golf course! I-I'll fetch my clubs.
[MAYOR] Colonel?
Damn, I thought I heard him. No matter. Would you accompany me?
There's something that I would...very much like to discuss with you. Now, I know you've been assisting our...
intrepid detective with his investigation, but...
I have to bring some concerns of mine to the forefront.
If we look at this situation logically, we can only assume that the killer who struck down our dear friend Mark
was with us last night.
And while I would stake my life on the innocence of the Colonel or yourself,
can we really say the same of our beloved detective?
Or worse yet,
Mayhaps our counting skills aren't as good as we assume them to be. And mayhaps...
in the shadows of this manor, unseen to any of us, lay hidden...
...a murderer.
[Thunder and lightning]
[Gunshot]
[DETECTIVE] I don't know what you're playing at but you better lower your weapon, you murderer!
[COLONEL] I bloody well won't, you're the one that assaulted me! For all I know, you could be the murderer!
[CHEF] What the fu-Ooh!
[DETECTIVE] Last chance, drop your weapon!
[BUTLER] Master's prized vase...
[MAYOR] Everyone, please! I know we're all on edge, but can't we resolve this amicably?
[DETECTIVE] On edge?! This PSYCHO tried to SHOOT ME!
[COLONEL] That's a bold-faced lie! I was merely doing some light target practice!
[BUTLER] Inside?!
[COLONEL] Well, yes, I couldn't go on the grounds now with that bloody chef in my way, could I?
[CHEF] You're damn right! You should've remembered that, Private!
Besides, you're not my boss anymore!
[COLONEL] It's "Colonel" now.
[DETECTIVE] Enough of this horseshit! You knew I was onto you and you were trying to whack me off before I could finger you!
As the murderer!
[COLONEL] I will not be called a murderer in my own home!
[WOMAN] STOP!