Hi, I’m Brad Browning, AKA The Marriage Guy… and welcome to my latest video, in
which I’ll be explaining 7 ways to stop arguing with your spouse or partner.
The tips and tricks you’ll learn in the next few minutes are based on both academic
research and on my 13 years as a relationship coach, and they really do work extremely well
if you use them correctly and consistently.
So, if you’re fighting way too much with your partner, and it’s taking a toll on
your marriage… pay close attention, because these simple techniques could end up preventing
separation or divorce.
Before we get into it, please remember that a certain amount of disagreement is totally
normal in ALL romantic relationships.
It’s not a problem if you and your spouse get into an argument every now and then…
and in fact, studies have shown that the occasional disagreement in a marriage is actually a healthy
thing.
But that’s in small doses only -- when arguments and fights become too frequent or too intense,
they can do major lasting damage to your relationship and even lead to divorce in the long run.
In other words, a few fights now and then is nothing to worry about, but if you’re
arguing regularly or those arguments are extremely toxic and heated, you need to take action
as soon as possible.
If you’re watching this video and you’re ALREADY in a desperate situation with your
spouse -- for example, if they’ve clearly said they want to get divorced, or told you
they’re not sure if your marriage will survive -- begin by taking my free quiz at MarriageGuy.com/Quiz
to get a better idea of where you stand and how much hope there is for saving your marriage.
Now, let’s get into the important stuff….
The 7 techniques to argue less with your spouse.
#1 - Take Responsibility For Your Role In The Arguments.
If you’re like me, then you probably hate losing at anything.
You hate to admit that you might be wrong or that you’ve made a mistake.
But when it comes to arguing with your spouse or partner, you really need to put that kind
of mindset aside and be willing to accept responsibility for your role in any argument.
It may feel like your spouse is the one always starting fights or who is always in the wrong
when you disagree, but if you take a step back and look at things objectively, often
you’ll find that you are indeed contributing to the problem.
Furthermore, when you’re in a heated argument, sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of the
bigger picture or start focusing only on “winning” rather than the real issue at hand… or the
affect the argument might have on their partner’s feelings.
Research has proven that the feeling “being right” or ‘winning’ an argument is never
as satisfying as you imagine it to be in your mind.
So, instead of trying to win arguments with your spouse, try instead to focus on seeing
things from your partner’s perspective, and then aim to come to a positive outcome
of some sort… even if that means you need to swallow your pride and “lose” because
you realize that your partner has a valid concern or that this is something very important
to them.
I know this is really difficult to do in practice, but constantly reminding yourself to take
a step back and try to see your spouse’s side -- and then admit to being wrong or accept
a “loss” when it’s necessary to maintain harmony in your marriage -- is definitely
going to help.
If you care about the health and future of your marriage, you’ll be willing to really
step back and try to see your spouse’s perspective and what role you really play in contributing
to fights and arguments.
#2 - Carefully pick your battles.
Nobody’s perfect, and your spouse is certainly no exception, as I’m sure you’re well
aware.
So, it’s inevitable that your partner is going to do or say things that are going to
irritate you… but it’s important to take a step back and really evaluate what’s really
worth fighting for.
Is it really a huge issue if your wife never folds the laundry when you ask her to?
Do you really need to get into a screaming match every time your husband is 10 minutes
late for a dinner date?
At the end of the day, you need to decide what you can live with, and what’s worth
battling for.
This is not to say there aren’t times when you need to hold your ground and stick up
for your convictions or for what you really do believe is a truly crucial issue in your
marriage.
But for the little things, or the things that don’t matter much in the grand scheme, you
need to do your absolute best to let them slide.
At the very least, any time you feel an argument brewing or you want to complain to your partner
about something, first take a mental pause and step back briefly to ask yourself if this
is really a big enough issue to start a potential argument over.
That ties nicely into my next point…
#3 - Apply My “30-Minute Rule”
One of the most effective ‘Dispute Defusing’ methods that I teach to my coaching clients
is what I call the “30 minute rule”.
It’s a pretty simple concept, really… any time you have a complaint or an issue
you want to raise with your spouse that may lead to an argument, wait at least 30 minutes
before you broach the subject with your partner.
As simple and dumb as this may sound, you’d be amazed at how often it can prevent an argument
from happening.
Taking 30 minutes to think things over before bringing up a complaint or issue allows you
to cool down, step back, and take a look at the bigger picture.
Sometimes you may realize that whatever it was you were upset about isn’t worth an
argument, and other times it may just give you time to think about how you can discuss
the topic with your partner in a civilized, non-confrontational manner.
And of course, as we already discussed, you really do need to pick your battles carefully
and try to avoid turning every minor issue or disagreement into a full-blown argument.
So, applying the 30 Minute Rule whenever you have a complaint about something your spouse
has said or done gives you the time to properly evaluate if this really is an issue worth
arguing over.
#4 - Work Out A Plan In Advance
If you use the “30 minute rule” that I just talked about -- and I really do hope
you will -- then you’ll always have at least half an hour to think about what you’re
going to say before you dive into a heated debate with your spouse.
During that time, you should plan exactly what you’re going to say to your spouse
in advance.
Sometimes, especially for the really big and difficult issues, it may even be worthwhile
to write down what you’re going to say.
If you stick to the script, you’ll help to avoid saying something that can turn a
civilized discussion into a major argument.
Your spouse will also be much more open to the discussion and less likely to immediately
become defensive or feel like they’re being attacked right off the bat.
This can lead to more mature, productive discussions than if you just ‘wing it’ without planning
what you want to say in advance.
In addition to deciding in advance what you’re going to say, also think about what your ideal
outcome would look like… what are you trying to achieve?
How are you going to achieve it?
You should enter any potential argument knowing the answers to each of these questions.
Use the 30 Minute Rule time to run over this stuff in your head before you approach your
partner.
#5 - Use Precise Language
This is a tip that I really love to share, because it’s so simple and yet extremely
powerful.
Basically, most of us are prone to using “imprecise language” in everyday conversations without
even realizing it.
Generally, this isn’t a problem, but when it comes to arguing with your spouse, imprecise
language can quickly escalate a disagreement into a toxic screaming match without you even
realizing it.
To give you an example, let’s imagine you’re upset with your partner over something fairly
minor… like their tendency to often show up 5 or 10 minutes late.
You get frustrated and consider this to be rude and inconsiderate, but your spouse doesn’t
see it that way, or at least doesn’t seem willing to actually commit to being on time.
The next time your partner does arrive late to something, and you’ve been waiting around
for them, your natural reaction would probably be to say something like… “you’re 12
minutes late!
Again!
You’re ALWAYS late, it’s so incredibly inconsiderate!”
Now, the problem here is with the statement “you’re always late’.
That’s imprecise language.
I bet your spouse isn’t always late.
Even if they’re chronically running a few minutes behind, they still probably show up
on time half of the time or a third of the time at the very least.
So, your comment is imprecise… they’re not always late.
Yes, maybe were 12 minutes late today, and maybe they do often run late... but to say
they’re “always” late is blatantly false.
It’s imprecise language.
And it gives your spouse something to immediately point out in defense -- they can simply think
of one recent occasion where they showed up on time, and they’ve disproven your point.
They’ll latch on to that phrase “always late” and try to challenge you on it, because
they don’t want to be accused of something that’s not true.
This can immediately spiral into a serious, heated argument that’s totally unproductive
and damaging to the marriage overall.
And it all started with a little exaggeration on your part.
A PRECISE statement would be something like, “Honey, we’re already 12 minutes late.
This happened last week, too.
I’d appreciate it if you’d make an effort to be on time, because we don’t want to
be inconsiderate.”
Phrasing it this way - using precise language - is far more likely to lead to a civilized,
constructive discussion about your spouse’s chronic lateness.
It’s less likely to cause your partner to immediately become defensive or focus the
argument on semantics.
So, always try to be precise with your language, and avoid exaggerating the truth or giving
your partner any reason to get defensive.
#6 - Use the word “I” rather than “you” with your partner.
A Harvard professor who specializes in marital conflict suggests using the word “I” whenever
you’re making a complaint to your spouse.
This one is especially useful when you’re saying something that your partner might call
“nagging”... if you have a complaint about something your spouse is doing -- leaving
dirty dishes in the kitchen, for instance -- then start your sentence with “I” when
you broach the subject.
As an example, you could say something like: “I know you’re busy in the mornings, but
I’d really appreciate it if you could put the dirty dishes into the dishwasher before
you leave for work.”
Now, compare that to the same statement phrased with the word “you” instead: “You always
leave dirty dishes in the sink when you leave for work, can you just put them in the dishwasher?”
The first one -- where you used the word “I” rather than “you” in your comment -- will
make your spouse feel less like they’re being personally criticized and more like
you’re simply asking for a favour.
Saying “You need to stop doing X thing” feels like an accusation, whereas saying “I’d
appreciate it if you would stop doing X thing” is a lot more approachable and less confrontational.
This may not seem like a particularly important strategy, but it has been proven to reduce
the likelihood of a discussion turning into a full-blown argument.
I’ve seen this actually make a big difference almost immediately with some of my coaching
clients in the past, and I always try to use it in my own marriage.
#7 - Use My “3 Sentence Rule”
This one is simple, and similar to the previous couple we’ve just discussed.
Basically, whenever you’ve got something on your mind and you want to vent those frustrations
to your spouse, limit yourself to a maximum of three sentences total.
This will ensure you don’t go on a rant that escalates the discussion as soon as it
begins, and keeps you focused on the specific topic at hand.
Let’s say, for example, that your spouse constantly makes excuses to avoid social gatherings
with your family.
Understandably, this might upset you, and you may want to bring the subject up with
your partner.
Using the 3-sentence rule, you might say something like:
“Look, I know you don’t really enjoy hanging out with my family, but they’re important
to me.
I’d really like it if you would please try to come to our family get-togethers more often.
Even just once or twice a year would be great.”
That’s all you need to say to get your point across, really… and by keeping it brief
and using a polite, non-confrontational tone, you can keep emotions in check and usually
avoid a more serious argument.
This is especially powerful when you combine it with the previous couple of strategies
I covered, like using precise language and the word “I” instead of “you”.
And lastly, a bonus tip, number eight…
#8 - Watch my full video tutorial for free at MarriageGuy.com.
I know, I know… shameless self-promotion, right?
But really, the full video tutorial I’ve put up on my website, MarriageGuy.com -- and
there’s two versions, one for men and one for women -- is packed with proven, easy-to-apply
techniques that can start making a huge difference in the health of your marriage immediately.
In that video I basically lay out a step-by-step plan to save a marriage from the brink of
collapse, with or without your spouse’s involvement.
So, if you do worry about the future of your relationship and you think you need to take
action to save it before it’s too late… you should absolutely go to MarriageGuy.com
right now and watch that full tutorial video for free while you still can.
That’s about it for this video, thanks for watching to the end…
I hope you’re able to put the things I covered in this video into practice, because if you
do use these techniques properly, it’s going to make a big difference to how often you
fight with your spouse and how damaging those fights are for your marriage.
PLEASE PLEASE please subscribe and like this video, and feel free to ask questions below
or visit BreakupBrad.com/Coaching and get my personal 1-on-1 help to save your relationship.
See you next time!