Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic.
I remember it so you don't have to.
Teenage Mutant Fuckin' Ninja Turtles.
This is the shit!
When we were growing up, Ninja Turtles were everywhere:
Comic books, TV shows, breakfast cereals...
They even had a pie named after 'em!
It tasted like splooge, but we didn't care.
As long as it had the Ninja Turtles on it, we were happy.
So when we heard they were actually making a live-action movie based on this phenomenon,
we proudly pissed our pants with joy.
We shit ourselves with excitement.
We vomited up vast amounts of excrement,
shit on it, rolled around in it, put it back in our mouths,
and proceeded to vomit it up again in roaring anticipation!
...
...Okay, maybe only I did that,
but still, bottom line, we were hyped as hell!
These movies kicked ass back then, and I'm sure they're gonna kick ass now.
Which is to say, I haven't actually seen these movies in years.
But that's why, as a special treat, I'm gonna sit down and review the movies WITH you...
...as you're watching it with me.
So, grab your vintage Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle box of cookies and enjoy the show!
*gag*
...Just watch the movie.
Alright, New York. So far, so good.
Actually, I like this opening, because it doesn't even look like a Ninja Turtles movie.
This could be the opening to Shaft. Watch:
("Shaft" theme) ♪Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?♪
♪Shaft!♪
You see?
April O'Neil, Channel 3 Eyewitness New—
NC: Whoa, whoa, whoawhoawhoawhoawhoawhoaWHOA.
WHO is that?
April O'Neil—
No, no-no-no-no-no-no-no.
Listen, lady, I'm sure you're a fine actress and everything, but, uh...
You're not April O'Neil.
No, no, this hot honey you see here is April O'Neil.
Yellow jumpsuit, nice legs... damn, she's fine!
So come on, where's the real April O'Neil?
Come on, cough her up!
Charles: Just what is going on out there, April?
Okay, alright, no, no, it's cool, it's cool, you know, no prob.
I mean, at least we still get to see her in the yellow jumpsuit, right?
NC: OH, COME ON!
That's not a jumpsuit! That's a RAINCOAT!
There IS a difference! There is a difference!
Look, you watching? I'll show you the difference.
Here, watch close:
Jumpsuit,
raincoat.
Jumpsuit,
raincoat!
Jumpsuit, raincoat, jumpsuit, raincoat, jumpsuit, rain—
THEY LOOK NOTHING ALIKE!
All I gotta say is, the Turtles had better be a hell of a lot better...
Leonardo: Awesome!
Michelangelo: Hahah, righteous!
Excuse me one moment:
OH MY GOD, LOOK AT THOSE COSTUMES! Those are INCREDIBLE!
That is EXACTLY what radioactive ninjutsu reptiles in their late teens would look like!
I mean, they're unbelievable! I mean, they're phenomenal!
I mean, OH MY GO—
I apologize for that.
But even you had to admit, those costumes are pretty incredible.
The guy who put these all together was Jim Henson, the Muppet guy,
and do you know how much those puppeteers had to squat
in order to get their hands up those asses?
It's not even worth thinking about!
If this movie was done today, chances are they'd probably turn them all
into computer-generated images.
Huh—bullshit!
They set out to rescue April from the evil Foot Clan, who want to destroy her
because she's giving evil pajama-wearing psychopaths a bad name.
*smack*
NC: Oh no, you di'in't!
Alright, April's gonna kick some ass!
*clatter*
*sheesh*
NC: As you probably guessed, the Turtles save April and take her back to their home in the sewers.
There, she meets the Ninja Turtles' mentor, a giant rat named Splinter.
And I have to admit, saying this all out loud is making me realize
just how friggin' weird this movie is.
Raphael: Where do they come up with this stuff?
So Splinter explains to April the origin of where they came from.
You see, years ago, Splinter was just an ordinary pet rat in Japan.
After his master is murdered, Splinter somehow makes it to New York,
and comes across a canister of ooze and four baby turtles.
Within a day, both the turtles and Splinter grow in size and even begin to form words.
Baby Turtle: Pizza... pizza!
It could happen!
Splinter decides to name them after the famous Renaissance painters,
because giant, mutated turtles seem to scream of the Renaissance period.
It made sense back then!
Wondering how much acid she dropped, April decides to help them defeat the Foot
and bring order to the city.
And either way, they're helped by a vigilante known as Casey Jones,
who's pretty cool, despite the fact that he looks like Jason's homosexual Canadian brother.
Casey: Oooh!
Now the leader of the Foot Clan is an evil kitchen utensil known as The Shredder,
which everyone says is a giant Darth Vader ripoff, but I don't see the resemblance.
Shredder: I am your father!
Okay, it's a ripoff!
But you gotta give this guy credit, he has a diabolical scheme to...
...actually, what was the plan again?
Shredder: Punish these... Turtles.
*snickers*
I'm sorry, uh... I don't care how menacing or powerful you are, uh...
There's no way you can make "punishing turtles" sound threatening.
I'm sorry, it's just not humanly possible. BUT...
You see, he's using kids and teenagers to fight his battles.
If you went up to a hitman and said you wanted them to hunt down some turtles,
they'd probably laugh in your face.
However, if you get a bunch of stupid kids, stone them off their asses,
get dressed up in shiny metal, recruit them to be ninjas,
and THEN ask them to hunt down some turtles?
Duuude, sign me up!
Michelangelo: Awesome!
My only problem with this plan is the costumes they're assigned.
I mean, I know they're supposed to be ninjas and everything,
but those costumes are so tight, I don't even think they can TALK.
*mumbling orders to each other*
Hur-dur-dur-dur-dur?
*CLANG* AAHH!
One of the things I love about this movie is the Turtles' disguises,
which is pretty much just a trench coat and a fedora hat.
How can nobody recognize them in that?
I mean, how stupid do people have to be to NOT recognize a big turtle in a trench coat?
Cabbie: Looked like sort of a big toytle... in a trench coat.
NC: The movie comes to a thrilling climax at the top of a tall building,
where The Shredder challenges our heroes to a man-on-turtle brawl.
And of course, being the Ninja Turtles...
...they get their green asses handed to them.
Michelangelo *panting*: What point did we lose control here?
NC: But all that changes when Splinter comes into the picture.
It's sensei vs. sensei, giant rat vs. giant cheese grater,
the battle of all battles begins! Here it goes...
*yelling*
This is gonna be good!
Here it comes!
*clang*
BULLSHIT!!
What kind of a battle was THAT?!
He sticks out his foot like a cartoon character, and he TRIPS?
What a rip-off!
*whatevs*
NC: All I gotta say is, the next film had better be a lot better...
And what exactly IS the secret of the ooze?
It was made... in a LABORATORY!
And... that's about it. There's not really any surprises on top of that.
Kind of a big letdown.
But the Turtles are back, and this time around, they're...
...well, more kid-friendly, I guess.
After all the parents complained about the violence and swearing in the first film—
you know, everything that made it GOOD—
—the second film tones down the action and the bad language.
So instead of using their weapons to fight people,
they use stuff like cold food, belts, and yo-yos.
You know, stuff you find lying around the house, so now all your kids will know
how to turn ordinary household appliances into blunt bad-ass weapons.
Thank you, parents of America!
Splinter: Idiots.
NC: And as for the bad language...
I don't know, I don't remember too much swearing in the first film...
Michelangelo: Ninja kick the damn rabbit!
Damn!
Damn.
DAAAMMN!
Okay, okay, so every kid was swearing like a bastard after they saw this movie.
But granted, it's a LOT better than their original cut:
(VO from "Boyz n the Hood") Fuck that, man! Them niggas around the corner tripped out, man!
Where my—fuck that, man! Where my strap? FUCK that sh—
Never let Spike Lee direct a children's movie.
Michelangelo: Can you believe this guy?
So the story centers around the return of the sinister Shredder.
After doing a short ripoff of Tim Burton's Batman,
he gets back into action by plotting his revenge against those pop-culture spewing reptiles.
Michelangelo: Bummer! *coughs*
NC: He steals a canister of ooze from that guy in "Titanic", and decides to make his own evil mutants.
Within seconds, two innocent, harmless animals are transformed into
the sinister duo of Bebop and Rocksteady!
Shredder: Tokka! Rahzar!
NC: Yeah, like I said, Bebop and Rocksteady.
*confused grunts*
NC: Now the one scene everyone remembers is the fight scene that takes place
in the whitest of all rap clubs, led by the whitest of all rappers.
You guessed it: Vanilla Ice.
Turtles *groaning*: Oh, no!
Gee, it looks like they're pretty freaked out about all those monsters breaking into their club!
But wait a minute...
I think the Ice is feelin' somethin'.
I think he's conjuring up a rap!
A sort of... ninja rap, if you will!
Vanilla Ice: ♪Yo, it's the green machine—♪
HE IS!
Look at that! A totally unrehearsed, yet somehow totally choreographed rap scene
entirely made up on the fly!
What. Talent.
I gotta tell you, this guy is goin' places!
Like the unemployment line!
So the film climaxes as The Shredder drinks what's left of the mutated ooze
and turns into a mutant himself.
Jesus Christ, look at that! THAT is a badass villain!
Donatello: It's a Super Shredder!
Alright, this is gonna make up for the shitty climax in the last movie.
Four mutant turtles vs. one giant mutant Shredder?
This is gonna be good!
*death groan*
*rage intensifies*
WHAT THE FUCK?!?
Are you telling me that a regular Shredder can survive a seven-story fall and a dump truck crushing him,
and yet a SUPER Shredder can't survive a bunch of wood falling on him?
Bullshit, bullshit, BULLSHIT!
*sigh*
You know, I'm starting to realize that, uh...
these movies aren't quite the masterpieces I remember them to be.
NC: I mean, they're weird as hell, they don't make any sense,
and they keep pissing me off with their anticlimaxes!
But, I shouldn't give up hope.
After all, there is still one last movie left:
And seeing how now, they've had two movies to experiment with
and find out what works and what doesn't,
I think we can safely assume that THIS is gonna be the best of the bunch.
So, sit back and let's enjoy "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III".
*sobbing* Oh my God, it's so terrible! IT'S SO TERRIBLE!
*looniness ensues*
BLURBITYBLURBITYBLURBITYBLAH!
*wailing*
This is the worst thing that no one should ever have to see!
It—it's afwul! It—it's terrible!
It's—it's—
It's so bad, I am forced to make up a word to describe how bad it is.
This movie is... is...
HORRIBUFUCKUS!
It's the most horribufuckus movie I've ever seen in my entire life!
*sigh*
Okay, like I said, these movies aren't the masterpieces we remember them to be.
But it's best not to look at them as movies, but more as...
...a homework assignment.
Make a movie about four mutated turtles in their late teens,
who are named after Renaissance painters, led around by a giant rat,
know ninjutsu, eat pizza, dress up like flashers,
fight a guy who's named after a cheese grater...
...and make it plausible.
And you know what? With the exception of the last movie,
I'd probably give this project an A...
...minus, but still an A.
I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
*TMNT theme plays*
*Captions provided using transcript from Channel Awesome Wiki (and best guess from ears) as reference. NC rocks*