GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THIS WOULDN'T BE A LATE NIGHT MONOLOGUE WITHOUT A DONALD TRUMP
STORY, AND, YESTERDAY, A NORTH KOREAN OFFICIAL TURNED DOWN AN
OFFER BY DONALD TRUMP TO VISIT THE COUNTRY AND MEET WITH KIM
JONG UN, SAYING THE OFFER IS "PROPAGANDA" AND "NONSENSE."
THIS DOESN'T MAKE TRUMP LOOK GOOD.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN TROUBLE WHEN THE LEADER OF NORTH KOREA IS
LIKE, "I CAN'T ASSOCIATE MYSELF WITH THAT GUY."
(LAUGHTER) TRUMP GOT TURNED DOWN FOR A
MEETING WITH KIM JONG UN.
SO I GUESS HIS SEARCH FOR A VICE PRESIDENT ISN'T GOING SO WELL.
SERIOUSLY, HOW DO YOU GET DENIED BY NORTH KOREA?
NORTH KOREA MET WITH THIS GUY: (LAUGHTER)
IN SOME LIGHTER NEWS, MEDIA OUTLETS EVERYWHERE WERE
REPORTING ON THIS TODAY-- IT HAS GAINED A LOT OF TRACTION ONLINE,
APPARENTLY WE HAVE FOUND THE WORLD'S "MOST HANDSOME HORSE."
PEOPLE ARE SAYING THIS IS THE BEST LOOKING HORSE IN THE WORLD.
HIS NAME IS FREDERIK AND HONESTLY GUYS, I'D RATHER BE
DOING MORE IMPORTANT NEWS STORIES.
BUT SINCE EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT IT, LET'S GO AHEAD AND
CHECK OUT THIS "GREAT-LOOKING" HORSE.
HOW HANDSOME CAN A HORSE BE?
OH MY LORD!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) WOW, THAT REALLY IS A
GREAT-LOOKING HORSE.
HAVE WE GOT ANOTHER PICTURE OF THAT HORSE?
WOW.
I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT, BUT THAT HORSE MAKES ME WANT TO BE A
BETTER MAN.
THAT IS A BEAUTIFUL HORSE!
ISN'T THAT?
IT'S TAKING THE WIND OUT OF MY SAILS!
I CAN'T TELL JOKES ABOUT THIS HORSE AS BEAUTIFUL AS THAT!
WHOO!
LET'S MOVE ON TO THE NEXT STORY.
ANYWAY, A STUDY BY THE PEW RESEARCH CENTER DETERMINED THAT
MORE MILLENNIALS BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18 AND 34 ARE LIVING
WITH THEIR PARENTS THAN AT ANY OTHER POINT IN HISTORY.
MILLENNIALS WERE HAPPY TO TAKE THE POLL, WHILE THEIR PARENTS
WERE PROUD OF THEM FOR FINISHING THE POLL.
HONESTLY, I ACTUALLY THINK PARENTS ARE THE ONES TO BLAME
FOR THIS.
IF THEY REALLY WANT THEIR KIDS TO MOVE OUT, THEY JUST HAVE TO
DO ONE THING: CHANGE THE WI-FI PASSWORD.
NOW TO OUR MAIN STORY-- MAIN-- THAT MANE-- SORRY.
CAN WE SEE THAT HORSE ONE MORE TIME?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) LOOK AT THAT MANE.
COULDN'T YOU JUST LOSE YOURSELF IN IT?
THEY SAY HE'S WILD, BUT I KNOW I CAN TAME HIM.
ANYWAY, SORRY.
GET WITH IT.
THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY RIGHT.
LET'S GET SERIOUS.
A SCHOOL BOARD IN NORTH CAROLINA HAS VOTED TO DO AWAY WITH NAMING
CLASS VALEDICTORIANS, STATING THAT IT FOSTERED AN ENVIRONMENT
OF "UNHEALTHY COMPETITION."
SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
THE SAME STATE THAT DOESN'T LET TRANSGENDER PEOPLE USE BATHROOMS
IS WORRIED ABOUT HURTING SOMEONE'S FEELINGS.
IT'S NOT THAT THEY DON'T LIKE ALL VALEDICTORIANS, NORTH
CAROLINA JUST DOESN'T LIKE ANY BOYS WHO WEAR GOWNS.
I MEAN, IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
IF SCHOOLS STOP KEEPING TRACK-- TRACK-- RACETRACK-- HORSES--
(LAUGHTER) (SEXY MUSIC)
(CHEERING) MAN, THAT'S ONE HORSE I'D LOVE
TO RIDE.
OH, NOT LIKE THAT!
I'M NOT SAYING IT LIKE THAT.
I'M SAYING I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH IT!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)