Well, thanks for having me here on your birthday.
I'm very flattered by that, that you asked
me to be here on your birthday.
I can only imagine who said no.
You're always my request.
You know what else I'm imagining?
What a sweet thing, that donation to your wildlife fund.
Yeah.
But what are the gorillas going to do with that check
when it arrives?
It's not like they can take it to the bank.
They probably can't even sign it.
And how many bananas are they going to buy with that?
I don't ask.
I just give him the money and see
what they want to do with it.
I don't know.
I know they know how to save themselves,
as long as they have the money.
Last year you showed up--
I like this outfit very, very much.
Thank you.
You're not dressed the same way.
I don't know why you had the desire--
last time he showed up--
I don't know why I decided to wear this, either.
Speaking of bananas.
Yeah, right there.
There you go.
That was my--
Yes.
And there was a banana that he pulled out of his crotch area,
and gave it to me.
Yes.
Well, we were in the Olympic spirit, as I recall.
That was the reason for that.
There was no reason for the banana in your--
No, there was no reason other than for a mid-show snack.
It's nice to have a banana.
You were a bold man.
There goes the banana.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yeah.
And what was great is Michelle Obama was on that show, also.
Yeah, that was what was not so great.
Did you see her?
Did you pass her?
She summoned me after the show.
And so I'm wearing this, I'm wearing this dumb outfit.
It's funny, because you think like, oh, this would be funny.
I'll come out-- and then all of a sudden you're
face to face with Michelle Obama.
And I mean, look at this.
It's like-- it couldn't be more humiliating.
And then she showed up on my show,
and I had to act like that didn't happen.
But that did happen.
Yes.
Did she bring it up, or no?
No, but I could see it in her eyes,
that she'd seen things that no human being should ever
have to see.
You can't unsee it.
Yeah, you really can't.
So we saw each other on a beautiful vacation that we--
That's right.
--had to be on at the same time.
And Billy is just so adorable, and he's healthy,
and everything's good, right?
Thank you.
Yes.
And thank you, again, for the beautiful donation--
you and your viewers, as well-- made to Children's Hospital
in Los Angeles.
[APPLAUSE]
Look at him.
There he is.
Yes.
That was on his first birthday.
He never stops eating, this kid.
And one of the few words he says is eat,
and he says it all the time.
So he'll eat his food, and then he
will jump up in your lap, in anyone's lap,
and eat the rest of your food.
He's a little-- it's like living with a Cookie Monster.
It's really crazy.
I couldn't even get over how adorable he was.
He's just sweet as can be.
He'll grow out of it.
That's true.
My daughter's 4 and 1/2 now, and she's very precocious.
Also adorable.
What is she precocious about?
Well, everything really.
She thinks she's the teacher at school.
Last Monday, on Martin Luther King Day,
they had the day off school.
So the nanny took her, because we're at work.
And so then he took her to this dinosaur exhibit,
and they had toys and all these tunnels.
You know those things, the gerbil tubes
they put the children in, and they seemed to like them?
They also had a little golf course there
and they had golf clubs.
And my daughter saw the golf clubs, and she calls them--
I don't know where this came from-- but she calls golf club
hookers.
She's like, I want a hooker.
But there were no hookers available,
because each of the kids had a hooker.
And so she went around to all the adults at the place saying,
do you have any more hookers?
I really want a hooker.
That's sad.
I told her we don't call them hookers,
we call them sex workers.
That's right.
Good for you.
We're very woke.
Good.
Teach them the right things.
Let's talk about the Bachelor.
And I know you always make a prediction-- or Molly makes
a prediction.
My wife, Molly, is very good at predicting--
She's been right every year.
She has been right.
They really could just not do the Bachelor,
and she could tell him who he's going
to be with for the next four to six weeks until they break up.
Right, right.
She could tell them who he's going
to be on the cover of Us Weekly with a big tear
down the middle with.
She has selected Cassie.
Oh.
She believes Cassie is the--
[APPLAUSE]
Some people agree with her.
I can see that.
Cassie.
Some people agree with that.
It's going to be Cassie, [INAUDIBLE]..
Do you believe the bachelor is a virgin?
Well, he says he is.
I know he does.
I used to tell my mother that, too.
I think maybe that's the deal, that maybe he
doesn't want his mom to know that he's been, you know.
Because if I were to announce, hey,
I just want everyone to know, I'm an adult virgin.
People would say like, yeah, that makes sense.
Yeah.
But you look at this guy, and there's no way.
It's just impossible.
I mean, look at that.
That's not a virgin.
So you really think he's lying?
Yeah.
Are you being honest about this?
I asked him if he would submit to a polygraph test,
and they said no.
That's interesting.
Yeah.
So you think this whole thing is so that women
are like, I'll teach you.
That kind of thing?
I didn't even think about that angle.
Why else say you're a virgin, unless it's going
to get girls to go, let me--
you can't really be bad in bed if you're not
compared to anyone.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
There's a real learning curve.
Yeah, definitely.
Hey, Ellen, I'm sorry.
I don't want to change the subject,
because we should determine this man's sexual habits.
But it is your birthday and you are so generous--
you just gave the audience bracelets and everything.
You always give gifts to the audience.
So I thought it would be nice and right
if today, on your birthday, everyone in the audience
brought a gift for you.
So come on up, guys, and bring Ellen her gifts.
The audience brought your birthday presents.
Wow.
Thank you.
These are all things I think you're going to love.
I wonder what that is.
I don't know.
Thank you.
And so thank you so much for bringing--
Oh, wow.
Thank you so much.
One giant skate, that'll be great.
Oh, thank you.
It's a plunger.
Thank you very much.
Wow.
Thank you very much.
So let's just keep these coming, and we'll get everybody up
here.
Thank you so much.
We'll get all these gifts, and Ellen will--
This is amazing.
--write thank you notes to--
I didn't expect any of this.
--everyone who gave her one.
Yes, yes.
Thank you so much.
[CHEERING]
We're going to have to take a break.
We'll be back.