- We're living in very scary political times.
A lot of my friends are turning to astrology
(audience laughs) to cope.
You laugh, but I think astrology is a really useful tool
for people who don't have personal agency.
(audience laughs)
Let me explain.
You never see finance bros checking their horoscopes.
It's never high-powered corporate lawyers
googling astrological compatibility.
No, it's always just your saddest,
loneliest female friend,
who happens to be my target demo,
so I have to be careful
(audience laughs) with this joke.
It's always your saddest, loneliest female friend
who has her own page on Etsy
where she knits scarves for cats.
She's nodding. (audience laughs)
Being like "everything's crazy because Mercury's
"in retrograde," and you're like
"okay Carla, or maybe it's because you didn't vote."
(audience applauds)
Carla, Carla, Carla.
Maybe it's because you listened to Susan Sarandon
and you didn't (bleep) vote.
Please vote, everybody,
I know that like I sound like I'm standing on a soapbox
when I say "please vote" but we'll all be
on soapboxes when sea levels rise.
We have a very scary election coming up,
could be our last. (audience laughs)
On the bright side, we've got a lot of really cool,
diverse democratic candidates.
I wrote this three months ago. (audience laughs)
Who's it gonna be?
Biden, you guys, and that's fine,
I can feel the excitement, it's palpable,
it's fine if it's Biden,
I just hope his running mate is a dialysis machine,
(audience laughs)
because he's gonna need it.
My boyfriend recently made me go to a Bernie Sanders rally.
(audience applauds)
Yeah, yeah, it was either that or anal,
and I just, (audience laughs)
yeah, feel the Bern, you know, either way.
I would be thrilled to see like a Bernie Warren ticket.
(audience cheers) Yes, exactly.
It might be the only way we'll get
a female president in 2023. (audience laughs)
Don't get mad at me, guys with beards,
that's just how time works, okay?
Dude is 78, he's had a heart attack,
he'll be 79 in a year.
I'm not an actuary, I'm just doing the math.
I'll vote for any democratic candidate,
uh, terrified of the republicans.
They don't even need to overturn Roe v. Wade,
and Roe, on a sidenote, is a great baby name
for the one you're gonna be forced to have.
(audience laughs)
They don't even need to overturn Roe v. Wade,
the laws right now are insane.
Right now in 30 states, the only way to get the government
to pay for your abortion is by sleeping
with a married republican. (audience laughs)
It's not fake news.
You might not even want an abortion,
but if you sleep with a married republican,
watch your drink, mistress,
because he's gonna make sure you get it.
(audience laughs)
I can tell you guys are a little sensitive
when it comes to abortion.
We all are, we all have different ideas
about when life begins.
My personal belief is that life begins at 40.
(audience laughs)
And republicans believe that life begins at conception,
and then ends in an immigrant detention center.
(audience applauds)
Oh, okay, you're right,
some of them are more moderate,
some believe abortion should be a private decision
between a politician and his NRA lobbyist.
(audience applauds)
And Donald Trump would actually be pro-abortion
if instead of abortion, if we just called it
taking out a minor. (audience laughs)
Thank you, that was, that is my new favorite joke.
I wrote it in memory of Jeffrey Epstein.
(audience laughs)
May he rot in hell, I just,
I just wish that they had made him
go down on a woman his own age
before they strangled him to death,
because that would have been torture.
(audience laughs)
It's actually the pedophile equivalent of waterboarding.
(audience laughs)
If they had just gotten J.K. Rowling to like
(audience applauds)
sit on his face, that would have been torture.
(audience laughs)
Actually I recently learned that J.K. Rowling
is a decade younger than Epstein,
she just looks his age because she's transphobic,
(audience laughs)
and according to her Twitter feed,
hating people for no reason just gives you wrinkles,
so watch out, ladies. (audience laughs)
The republican war on women's bodies
is personal for me, it's not because I'm a woman,
it's actually because I'm in my mid-30s,
so as you can imagine, a lot of my friends are having
miscarriages. (audience laughs)
Because they're cool, you know what I mean?
It's like girls have kids, that's easy,
women miscarry. (audience laughs)
You guys are so scared.
You're so scared, what you all need to realize
is that everybody miscarries,
that's a children's book that hasn't been written yet.
(audience laughs)
Everybody miscarries, we just don't know about it
because nobody talks about it,
but while we're not talking about it,
they're legislating it.
Right now in Indiana, there is a law,
HB1337 to require women who miscarry
to have to bury the goop.
There's no word for the byproducts of conception,
so let's all just call it Gwyneth Paltrow's website.
(audience laughs)
It's hard for female comics to talk about our periods
on stage, let alone one with an elbow.
A gasp, some weird faces, cool, fine,
you don't have to laugh at that,
that was actually the worst joke I ever wrote.
It was funny for about three months, and then, it died.
(audience applauds)
But I'm not gonna bury that joke, Mike Pence.
(audience applauds)
I'm gonna keep telling that creepy little
corpse of a joke. (audience applauds)
Thank you, making everyone uncomfortable so men
like Mike Pence never feel comfortable legislating us.
Thank you guys so much, (audience applauds)
have a good night.