*Radio static*
[Tucker] Come in, Blue Command! This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha! Do you read me?
[Caboose] Ok, that is the last of it. Your armor is clean now!
[Tucker] Did you get all the black stuff off?
[Command] This is Blue Command. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha.
[Tucker] Hello! Command! We need help!
[Command] Roger that, Blood Gulch, what is your request?
[Tucker] I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but, uh, we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!
[Command] ..dude. How long have you guys been down there?
[Tucker] No, no-no, not- not like that! We need more men to help us!
[Command] Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?
[Tucker] Yeah. That got blown up, too.
[Command] Wow. Sucks to be you.
[Tucker] Yeah, we know.
[Command] Ok, here's what I can do: the nearest Blue forces can be there in sixteen days, or I-
[Tucker] Sixteen days?! That's almost two weeks!
[Command] OR I can hire a nearby Freelancer and get him there within a few hours.
[Caboose] I like the 'in an hour' one.
[Tucker] Yeah, me, too. Roger that, Command, we prefer the quicker solution.
[Command] 10-4, Blood Gulch, we will contact Freelancer Tex and have him there posthaste. Command out.
[Tucker] Whoever he is, make sure he can fix a tank.
[Caboose] What's a Freelancer?
[Tucker] Freelancers are independent. They're not Red or Blue. They're just guns for hire who will fight for whoever has the most money.
[Caboose] ..like a mercenary.
[Tucker] Right. Or like your mom when the rent is due.
[Caboose] ..oh, that's funny!
[Tucker] Yeah, y-you didn't think that was too obvious?
[Caboose] No, no, not at all, it was- it was good.
[Church] Tuuckeerr.. Tuuuuckeeerrr...
[Tucker] Who the hell are you?!
[Church] I am the Ghost of Chuurrch, and I have come back with a waarniiiing...
[Caboose] You're not Church! Church is Blue. You're white.
[Church] Rookie, shut up, man, I'm a freaking ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?
[Tucker] Yeah, that's definitely him.
[Church] Now I gotta start over again.
*Voice clearage*
Tuuckeer... Tuuuckeeerrr... I have come back with a warniing..
[Tucker] Is it really necessary to do the voice?
[Caboose] Yeah, it's kinda annoying.
[Church] Fine. Ok, here's the deal: I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-
[Caboose] What's the warning?
[Church] Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!
[Caboose] Oh, sorry.
[Church] Seriously, man, I mean, I'm coming back from the Great Beyond here. You think this is easy?
It's not! It's not like I can just, y'know, pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration.
[Caboose] Sorry.
[Church] I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man!
*Deep sigh*
Okay, here's the deal-
[Caboose] Is this the warning?
[Church] Alright, that's it. I swear to God, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you.
[Tucker] Yeah, you're even starting to bug me.
[Church] Ok. Tucker.
You remember that I told you I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?
[Tucker] No.
[Caboose] Sidewinder? Isn't that the ice planet?
[Church] Yes.
[Caboose] Cool! What was that like?
[Church] Umm.. It was cold.
[Caboose] That's it? Just cold?
[Church] Whatdya want from me? A poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really - fuckin' - cold.
[Tucker] Would you just let him talk?
[Church] Alright, well, one day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember I was out on patrol with my partner, Jimmy.
That Jimmy was a real good kid. Everybody liked him.
[Tucker] Did you think I was a good kid, Church?
[Church] Tucker, don't get jealous, man, just listen to the story, ok?
Like I said, guys were hanging around, waiting for some action, bitching about the cold..
[Blue #1] Man, it's fucking cold.
[Blue #2] I hope we get some action-
[Church] Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home.
[Jimmy] Yep. As soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me.
[Church] And that's when Tex showed up.
Private Nicky was the first to go. He was halfway across the base, when all of a sudden, he just started screaming bloody murder.
[PVT Nicky] Bloody murder! Bloody murder!
[Church] The whole thing was over before it even started.
Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head, and beat him to death with it.
[Tucker] Wait a second. How do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible.
[Church] That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming.
[Jimmy] This doesn't seem physically possible! *Death groan*
[Church] Bottom line is: These Freelancers? They're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst.
[Caboose] If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?
[Church] To tell ya, I dunno why I'm not dead. Coulda killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into each other once before.
[Tucker] Where?
[Church] You, uh.. you remember that girl I told you about back home? Well..
..let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married.
Guys, I'm fading fast, and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here.
[Tucker] Ok.
[Church] I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing. You'll regret it...
[Tucker] SO, Tex and Church were after the same girl.
[Caboose] I told you his girlfriend was a slut.