Namaste Everybody I am Lisa A. Romano the breakthrough life coach and today I
want to do a video about why it's so hard for us to stay away from a
narcissist once we've ended the relationship and even though we can hear
ourselves saying I should not go back I don't want to talk to him or I don't
want to talk to her why is it so difficult for us to listen to that
little voice and what we can do to help ourselves better understand what's going
on inside of our very multifaceted body because very often times will happen is
we'll judge ourselves it's kind of like an addiction people don't want to be
addicted and I mean I've worked with people who are addicted to all different
types of things all different types of chemicals and pornography and alcohol
and you name it people and what will happen is you'll hear people say that I
don't want to do this and then they'll do it they'll pick up the agent or
they'll pick up what they're addicted to and while they're in the activity of
that which they are addicted to their dissociated from pain right I can relate
to that myself and then after we're coming down from this this partner
eliezer we were dissociated from the pain that the escape we start to feel
guilty for allowing ourselves so we think allowing ourselves to participate
in that which we hear ourselves saying we don't want to participate in and
oftentimes I'll hear my clients and even myself judge you know oh I'm such an
idiot or oh I can't believe I called him or oh I can't believe I hold her or I
can't believe I did this and I just want to address it because I
think it's really really important that we understand what's going on inside of
ourselves so that we don't have to judge it judge ourselves anymore because when
we judge ourselves we are inducing shame and shame is really what keeps us stuck
right so we we are shame-based even a narcissist
ashamed based right and so until we begin to heal the shame we are
resonating with similar frequencies to the types of beings that we do not want
to resonate with so it all comes down to us appreciating what's happening to us
on an internal level and then doing all that we possibly can to heal that so
that we can resonate with a different frequency and remember as you shift
frequencies remember this is a multi-level universe right
multi-dimensional plane it's not a unilateral plane it's multi-dimensional
so we can be really below the veil of consciousness and resonating with people
who are as below the veil of consciousness and then as we become
awakened we begin to attract a different tribe into our experience who resonate
at that frequency and as our consciousness expands and our vibrations
expand and we heal then we continue to move up this ladder if you will this
vibrational ladder and we begin attracting into experience all the
vibrations all all the things all the beings and all the experiences that
resonate with these new vibrations so it really is up to us to heal these
vibrations that keep us attracting people who you know are not good for us
right and so shame is a big deal so it's important that we don't judge ourselves
so I'm hoping that this video can help you guys out with that so let's
understand that we are in fact multi-dimensional human beings let's
understand and let's appreciate the fact that all human beings are born asleep
literally in a dream state let's understand that all children are in a
theta brainwave state up until about the age of seven and what that means is that
we are being downloaded with what's happening in our experience what's being
downloaded our subconscious mind thoughts beliefs ideas but also our
frequencies we are resonating with what is happening in our experience and
that's not our fault so the fact that we as we get older and we begin attracting
narcissistic people into our life it's really not a fault and so when we start
to become aware we have aha moments we go into codependent recovery or
psychotherapy or whatever it is you're on some spiritual awakening path and you
you realize I can't ignore red flags anymore this just doesn't feel right I
don't feel safe around this person you know this woman keeps cheating on me you
know this man keeps lying to me you know she hates my children or he hates my
children or you know he devalues me you know I he gasps likes me I know it I
feel it and we want to end this relationship part of what's so damn
difficult is that we as impacts and codependents and just you know people
who are less narcissistic than a narcissist by far we are self reflective
and if you are a self reflective person you care about how you affect other
people that can be a dangerous thing when you're dealing with a narcissist
because very often times we enter into relationships and we assume that the
other person is thinking the way we're thinking we assume that the other person
is self reflecting on the conversation and the words and the tone and the
behavior that they used in conversation with us we assume that this person has
empathy like we have for them we assume this and oftentimes we don't understand
that when you're dealing with someone who has in high narcissistic traits who
is highly reactive especially when triggered which is a classic sign when
you piss somebody off that has high narcissistic traits they're coming for
you and when we're dealing with someone like this we have to understand that
this person isn't taking into account how their actions are going to affect
you or us or the other people people like this are not taking into account
the big picture they're highly reactive they're shame-based
you have triggered them and that's it you know it's all--it's they're in
complete defensive mode and the thing with that is that they are so damn
convincing right they believe with every ounce in their being that you are wrong
and they are right they believe with every ounce of their being that you
deserve to be punished they could be transferring all their
shame from their mother or their father or
some prior lover on to you but they will not see it they believe with every ounce
of their being every fiber of their body that the person that has triggered them
deserves to be hurt now when we're trying to leave that relationship and we
are already highly empathic codependent or we're just somebody who is self
reflective and we're not the type of person who lashes out at other people
when we're hurt right we kind of like crawl away and lick her own wounds and
cry and you know I know that's who that's kind of person I am
but when you're that type of a person who doesn't want conflict
who doesn't want controversy who really doesn't enjoy the fight what happens is
this person's coming at you and they are so damned convinced that you are the
devil that you are the Antichrist you know
that you are the worst person that have walked the face of the earth and it can
jack with how you feel about yourself it can make you doubt how you feel about
this person who is now persecuting you it can make you doubt how you feel about
leaving this person and what is really I think what is very difficult is that we
many of us suffer from great self-doubt so if you've come from a home that was
less than perfect where you left the home environment struggling with an
identity and a sense of self and you left the home experienced experienced
full of self-doubt and low self-esteem you know and you have a small
hippocampus rather than a larger hippocampus which is involved which is
associated with low self-esteem and health by the way if this has been your
experience you've been living in survival right and you've been
conditioned to worry what people think about you and you've been conditioned to
seek this other person's approval when you are standing in front of a
narcissist and you are trying to leave the relationship and they come at you
with guns blazing and they're saying things like you're crazy you're the
selfish one you're the narcissist you don't know what you're talking about
everybody thinks you're crazy all you have to
is listen to what I'm saying no one else thinks like this but you you're just
super sensitive you know I'm not saying anything wrong you're just crazy you
know everyone knows you're crazy when you're listening to these types of words
and these phrases coming out of somebody's mouth from a body that is
completely 100% convicted you can feel like they believe what they're saying
about you and if you come from a place of self-doubt you're standing in front
of this person and all of the codependent stuff the codependent
crazies are kicking up you're losing this person's approval this person's
gonna go and talk about you on Facebook you know say something about your
business call your boss call your co-workers call your mom when you were
dealing with that type of a person who is so convicted and so convinced it can
make you feel very wobbly it can make you doubt your reasons so what I want
everyone to understand is that you have the right to leave any relationship it's
it's your right now that doesn't mean we're callous and that doesn't mean that
we don't consider all our options and that doesn't mean that we enter
relationships and exit relationships so we have no consideration for this other
person that's not what I'm saying what I'm saying is if you are in a
dysfunctional relationship and you are married to a female narcissist or you
are married to a male narcissist or if you're in a relationship with someone
with high narcissistic traits and you are getting the sense that it is you are
unable to meet in the middle there is no cooperation and let's face
it relationships are all about negotiation it can't all be your way and
it can't be all your spouse's way your partner's way the best relationships are
flexible right rigid relationships you know when they crack they break so it's
important to realize that healthy relationships are built on negotiation I
see you and you see me but there's an openness and there's a willingness I
want to hear what you have to say and I'm going to take
what you have to say without any prejudgment I'm going to show a blank
I'm going to listen to you because so often times when we're in communication
with someone very often times were not very good listeners and we are
anticipating what the person is going to say and we are already thinking about
what we're going to say to this person even before they finish the sentence so
showing up 100% authentic you know being vulnerable telling our partners this is
what I think and this is what I feel this is what I need you know how do you
feel and what do you need and what do you think and what do you believe you
know and what are you willing to negotiate when am I willing to negotiate
it's very important that people have this in their relationships but when and
if you're in a relationship where you have found that you are fawning to keep
the relationship stable and in good relationships are not relationships that
are built on taking care of one person that's not a relationship okay but we
have to recognize that when we're in relationships with these types of people
we have a right to our own reality of them and it's very very important that
if you take an inventory if you look at the history history of your relationship
and you recognize that you've never been heard male a female you have never been
heard you have always had to tone yourself down you have always had to
acquiesce you have always had to be the one to say I'm sorry if you recognize
that your needs are not being met then you must also understand from a
cognitive plane there is no way that this person is going to agree with what
I'm going to say about the state of our relationship of us wait for our partners
to give us permission to feel something and if we are in a relationship with
someone who is highly narcissistic then we are going to be wait we're going to
be waiting forever because somebody with high narcissistic traits is not
interested in listening to you so you have to ask yourself am i somebody who
feels consciously or unconsciously that I need validation or permission from my
partner to feel a particular way about my partner I know that I did one of the
reasons it took me so long to finally get the car
to accept that I needed a divorce was because and this was all below the veil
of consciousness I did not recognize that there was an undercurrent within me
that sounded like this I feel this way about him and I need him to agree
I need his permission and my mother's permission and my brother's permission
and my father's permission and my sister's permission and my
mother-in-law's permission I need the permission of people outside of me to
say that what I think and what I feel about this person and my marriage is
valid and if I never get it that means that my perception is invalid it took me
many years to figure out that that was a mirror that was a mirror to little
lisa's experience because I was not allowed as a child like so many of you I
was not allowed to have an experience I wasn't allowed to dislike liver and
onions and and the analogy my father gave me when I was about 6 7 years old
he said you have to like liver and onions because I like liver and onions
now if you don't like spinach that makes sense because I don't like spinach just
take a moment and think about what that does to a little kid am I allowed to
have my reality of my tastebuds am I allowed to have this experience of
disliking liver and onions I guess not because daddy doesn't give me permission
so this way that I was living my life seeking permission from the outside
seeking permission to feel what I feel was ridiculous but it made sense it was
a mirror and a window into the little girls belief system that was mine that
had been conditioned into make when I was a little girl so for anyone out
there who is judging themselves for not being able to stay away from a
narcissist don't judge yourself it's not your fault it's going to take time for
you to recognize what it is what's the linchpin that's keeping you stuck and it
might be that you think you need permission from this
or it might be that because this person is so convinced that you are wrong that
that is jacking with your ability to hold on to yourself because you have
suffered with self-doubt for so long so it's important to understand why we
might why it might be difficult for us to stay away from narcissistic people it
really really is because once you understand why very often times that is
the that is the aha moment we need to say okay
I don't need his permission or I don't need her permission and okay no wonder
I'm full of self-doubt because they are so convinced that they're right and
remember NORs highly narcissistic people are
convinced that they're right which means that everybody else is wrong anybody
else that disagrees with them is wrong and so dear ones I really hope that this
video has helped you understand the self a little bit more I hope that you
recognize that shame is at the core of codependency and even narcissus
narcissism true narcissism I hope that you recognize the power of loving
yourself and not judging yourself I call it nudge the judge if you enjoy
these types of videos and these types of ideas you can also check out my book
codependent now what it's not yet you're programming it is full of life skills
that people who are suffering with self-doubt and low self-esteem can use
to help them navigate life reclaim their life and learn how to deal with their
feelings learn how to set boundaries and learn how to deal with difficult people
in their lives thank you so much for being a part of this community namaste
bye for now