Thank you so much.
This is wonderful to see your faces,
and I'm sure you're thinking to yourself finally,
we get to see her face.
You people, how patient have you been?
Happy new year.
This is our first show back in 2021.
And so, yay.
[CHEERING]
We're here.
Obviously, there are a lot of negative things going on.
So instead, I want to talk about something positive-- my COVID
test.
[LAUGHTER]
It's positive.
Yes, so I tested positive before the holidays.
I'm fine now, everything's good.
I'm all clear.
I want to thank everyone who reached out
with kind words of support.
I wish I could have hugged each and every one of you that
would have been dangerous and illegal, probably.
[LAUGHTER]
And to thank my audience for being here, again.
These are the same people who were supposed to be here
to watch the show in December.
We had to cancel it, and I made you wait, sitting there
in your little Zoom things.
You've been there the whole time, haven't you?
You have not moved or change clothes or washed.
I assume.
I don't know.
Thank you so much for being patient.
It's still day 12 of our 12 Days of Giveaways--
that's why you're here.
You're back--
[CHEERING]
-- to be part of that.
[APPLAUSE]
So, all right, this is what happened, you guys.
I was getting ready to tape the show
that you were going to be here for.
And I was in hair and makeup and getting my face powdered
and my extensions put in, and then
my assistant Craig walks in and said,
you tested positive for COVID.
And then everyone around me ran away.
It's funny, people just really get scared.
And they ran.
Some have not come back since.
[LAUGHTER]
So anyway, I left the studio immediately,
and our COVID safety team informed everyone
that I had been in contact with, everything.
They told Andy Lassner, and when he heard,
he literally ran at full speed off the lot, which is amazing.
I didn't realize that you could run, Andy.
I thought it was just the slow walking, no?
No, when I heard COVID, I took off.
Yeah.
It really was-- you were very, very far away from me.
Anyway, you left so fast you forgot
your phone, which is amazing because your phone is
like a child to you.
[LAUGHTER]
Anyway, so then I went home, obviously.
I had to quarantine.
And Portia made me sleep in a different room
on a different bed because she wanted the race car
bed all to herself.
And so I slept for the first three days--
this is my experience with COVID.
The first three days, I slept for 16 hours a day,
and then like on the fourth day, I woke up with back spasms,
and I thought I had pulled a muscle
or slept weird because I was in a different bed,
but it just persisted.
And so the doctor put me on pain pills and muscle relaxers.
Jackpot, finally, this thing is paying off.
So, anyway, the painkillers did not help.
My back got worse.
It felt like I cracked a rib.
You know, I make you laugh so hard that your ribs hurt--
that's what it was like for me.
Now I know how you feel when I make you laugh.
Anyway, they finally put me on a steroid pack
because the other stuff was not working,
and the steroid pack work.
But here's the thing about steroids,
they make you really speedy and really edgy.
So the best thing to do I decided
was to stay on the muscle relaxers and pain
pills with the steroid pack to balance it out.
I don't know if that's the best way, I'm not a doctor,
but that's what I did.
I'm going to ask Sanjay Gupta if that's the thing because he's
on later.
I'm still on them.
I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
I just find the muscle relaxers helpful.
But then, anyway, so my brother kept
asking how I was every day.
And I said, I'm fine, but I have this really bad back pain.
And he said, a friend of mine had COVID,
and he had back pain.
Then I talked to several other people who
said, oh, they had back pain.
So now, apparently, back pain is a symptom
of COVID, which I did not know, but anyway, now you know.
I'm not saying if you have back pain, you have COVID,
but it is a symptom.
That's the only symptom I had.
I didn't have a headache; I didn't have a fever;
I didn't lose my sense of taste, although I did wear Crocs
with socks for a day.
So you be the judge.
[LAUGHTER]
And anyway, I started to feel better,
and I'm very fortunate very, very blessed
that was it for me.
The weird thing is I don't know where I got it.
I still don't know where I got it.
I wear a mask.
I wash my hands.
I only lick three or four door handles,
so it's a mystery to me how that would happen.
Anyway, I know a lot of people out
there are struggling with this illness right now.
My heart goes out to all of them.
As always, I hope the show will give you
some joy, brighten your day.
And I'm very excited to see this guy.
I haven't seen him for a month.
Give it up for tWitch.