Hi, I'm Nicholeen Peck and I teach parenting, good communication and family relationship building
all over the world through the lens of the principles self government. And in this video,
I'm going to be talking about why principles are better than rules.
Now, in past videos, I've said things like family rules and stuff like that.
I think rules and family government are things that people usually joined together in their
heads. But I will say that having a principle that you govern your family by is much better
than having a family rule and all of the rules in our home are actually based on principles.
In this video, I'm going to be talking about the difference between rules and principles
and some of the principles that you're going to want to have in order to keep
your family governing well. So let's first talk about self government because we're going to be
looking through the lens of self government. Self government is when a person possesses a knowledge
of their own behaviors and they examine how their behaviors relate to what they know
about cause and effect on a regular basis. And they see if they can make adjustments. So they
take full responsibility and ownership for their behavior, for their thoughts for their emotions,
and they change them if there's a problem. They are humble, they are honest. These people are
following principle. Self government is actually a principle. It's one of the key principles of
freedom, that most free societies are founded upon that principle of self government.
Meaning that each person can control some of their own destiny by making their own decisions,
and that other people do not get to ever actually choose for them because that all happens
on the inside. There are many other principles that people follow. Principles like honesty,
integrity, they follow principles of liberty, they follow print health principles, religious
principles, communication principles. There are many principles that people follow, we're going
to touch on just a few of those here. But the main thing I want to convey to you is the difference
between a principle and a rule because rules actually can be problematic, where principles
can usually always lead us in the right direction. Years ago, I started doing treatment foster care
for troubled teens and these youth ages 12 to 18, would come to my home to get treatment. My home
was a therapeutic treatment care foster home, and they were supposed to get treatment from me. Well,
when they came to my home, I didn't want to just do behavior modification. I didn't want to just
teach them things that would make them want to not have a bad behavior. On the outside, I
wanted them to want to not have a bad behavior on the inside. I wanted their heart to be convicted,
they want to make the right choices for ever, not just right then. And so I knew that if I was
going to help them have a change of heart, which is what happens when a person's self governs,
then I was going to need to base my entire environment on principle and not manipulation.
So just so you know, that is the opposite of principle. When you're governing by principle,
then it is truth and integrity. But when you are governing despite a whim, then it's manipulation.
And I did not want that for my foster children or my children. In fact, I don't think I could ever
be happy knowing that I wasn't doing something that was honest by the children. Then in 2009,
when the BBC made a documentary of our family called The World's Strictest Parents and brought
to troubled teens to our home to stay for eight days, people saw that principle truly
was powerful. In fact, our episode became the most watched episode that they had ever had on the BBC
because of how calm it was. Being able to be calm, even when things are going a little bit crazy
is actually a principle. So I had practice living calm for years and years with my foster
children. And because of that, I was ready to live that principle, even if some rowdy or
disrespectful children came to my home, which they did. But in the end, at the
end of the program, they were actually begging not to leave our house and they were enjoying
the time that they had at our house because it was so calm. At first they hated calm, then they
wanted to have calm, then they wanted to never leave calm. That's how powerful that principle
of calmness was for them. So let's talk about the difference between principles and rules. But
before we get to these exact differences, click the subscribe button now. There's a lot of content
on this channel you're not gonna want to miss new videos come out all the time, so be sure to
click the notification bell too so that you don't miss them. Rules or laws are limited to a specific
situation, or maybe a few specific situations. Think of like seatbelt laws and speed limit
laws where you can go this speed limit here, but over here, you have to go this speed limit. If
speed limit was a principle, then you would have to go the same speed limit everywhere. But since
55 speed limit is not a principle, we know, and because it changes, then we know it's just a rule,
or it's just a law. Okay? Now, hopefully, there's some principle behind that law, because behind
most rules or laws, there are principles. Not all, though not all but behind most. So maybe,
what would the principle be behind a speed limit law? Maybe it would be something like safety,
right? Maybe the principle is you can only pay attention at a certain speed. And so since that's
the principle, then we have to make the laws in compliance with that principle. Maybe that's
where they're coming from. I don't know. But all I know is that speed limit 25 in a neighborhood
really doesn't make any sense except for that someone just made it a law. And we're used to it.
Principles are opposite from rules in that they are broadly applicable, which means a principle
applies to everything, not just certain experiences or situations. So that's why we
can rely on principle, and we can lean on it as we're trying to find solutions to our problems,
or trying to help people out of a tough situation. Rules can restrict free will, or
even dictate what we have to do or control us. But principles maximize our freewill or our agency,
if you want to use that word, they actually allow us to have maximum freedom and choice. So there's
a difference there. When you have a principle that you're using, you actually feel like you
get to choose. When you have a rule or law, then you feel like someone is restricting your choices.
And I do think that this is one of the problems people are facing today. We keep getting more
and more and more laws and rules that come in. And I know because I've helped write laws myself
in order to protect children. And so I know how many are happening and how easy it is to get one
to pass. Because of all of the rules and laws that keep happening, people are starting to feel like
someone else is controlling them. This gets people very frustrated, it gets people contentious,
because they don't feel like they have the liberty that they need. Where if we were
just ruling our society by principle, people would actually watch out for their own decisions more.
And if they weren't in alignment with principle, they would self correct. Big difference. Rules are
used by governments to protect us. But principles are actually everlasting or if you want to use
a biblical word, then eternal. Principles go on forever and ever. They don't stop and they give
us basically the goal to work toward, instead of trying to protect us. In a certain circumstance,
they give us ultimate protection, because it's ever lasting protection as we align ourselves with
them. So a little bit of a difference there. Rules have lots of exceptions. But principles don't need
exceptions. For instance, a parent gives a child an instruction and they say, I need you to wash
the dishes. If the child knows the principle of following instructions, the principle is I do what
mom and dad tells me to do. I honor my parents, I follow the instruction. That's the principle
doesn't matter what the instruction is, I follow it, right? That's living according to principle,
then they would have no problem. They would say okay, or disagree appropriately and talk about it,
and it would be done. But if the parent says, I need you to do your dishes, and the child says,
yeah, but you know, I only did a couple of these dishes, somebody else did these dishes,
then suddenly they're trying to find the particular rule that can get them out of it. Okay,
well, is the rule that I only wash the dishes that I touched or is the rule that I have to
wash the dishes from just this meal, or is the rule that I have to wash all the dishes? Well,
it's not about the rule. The principle is the parent told you something you needed to do,
and you have to follow through with the principle by following the instruction. So when you govern
by principle, things are much more clear. And as you can see, there don't need to be
exceptions. Rules oftentimes must bend to conform to principle. But principle leads to growth,
principles don't do any bending, they just take a person on a journey toward increased growth.
In fact, it's very difficult to live according to principle, because you have to put off all of
those little exceptions that constantly come to your mind because you want to turn everything
into a rule. It's just human nature to do it, to compartmentalize things and make them more simple.
But principles by nature are not. Principles, you can't put in a box like that, because they apply
to everything. So because they're so broad, that means that they're going to constantly just keep
leading the person should the person choose to follow the principle. Rules can offer guidance
and direction. But principles change hearts,. When a person chooses to honor their father and mother,
and follow instructions from their parents, that's a heart change. Taking your dish over
after a meal is a rule that can offer some basics on cleanliness, some guidance that can be useful,
but there's no heart change that comes there. Principles change hearts. So as a parent,
we definitely want to be applying principles more than just rules. Now both rules and principles
can actually modify behavior. So what that means is, you might end up using a bit of both. But if
you can find the principle underneath the rule and discuss it with the children, that's going to help
with heart change. My whole purpose as a parent who's teaching self government is teaching my
children to have a change of heart, to unify our family together so that we're bonded strongly. In
order to do that, we need to make sure that we're building on principles instead of just rules.
Rules can change based on somebody's attitude or their mood that day, but principles won't.
And that's how we know those are sure things that we can establish our parenting and relationship
foundation on. There are so many principles that I would love to teach you principles like
how to drop the subject, how to disagree appropriately with someone. Principles, like how
to correct someone in a calm way, how to keep a calm face, voice and body even when you feel like
things are starting to go out of control. These are all things that are based on principle, and
I can teach them to you in my next video, which is the not so known secret for parenting success.
So click on the link to that video now.