(calming music)
- So, I was born here in Seoul in 1986,
and then I was adopted to the US
when I was about three months old.
I was adopted to Northeastern Connecticut
and I lived there for 23 years
before moving to Sacramento, California,
where I lived for about eight years,
and then moved here four years ago.
So, I think my upbringing was pretty standard
as far as Northeastern Connecticut childhoods go.
Grew up in a two parent household, I was the oldest of four,
I have a sister who's the same age as me
who's biological daughter of my adoptive parents.
I have a brother and then I also have a sister
who's seven years younger than me.
My parents were always open to the conversation
about my heritage and adoption,
but it wasn't something
that we really had conversations about
until I became interested in moving here,
probably just because of my own negligence
and not wanting to really dig deep
into that part of my life,
but it did come up a few times in conversation
in relation to my youngest sisters exploring Korea,
because she came on a trip when she was maybe 11.
So, at that time I think I was 18,
which would have been the prime years
of me really hating my Koreanness, so to speak.
But, yeah, they were always open about the conversation
and willing to talk about it.
I think I was just perpetually aware of differences.
I think for most, I don't want to speak for other adoptees
but, at least, for my sister and I it was kind of this...
One of the first things that we remember about being young
is noticing differences
and then gravitating towards people
who also experienced differences
and connecting on those differences,
but I'm trying to think of an instance
where it was just acutely obvious.
Probably times where my parents would pick me up from school
and other kids would just be a little confused,
understandably, when these white people are picking me up.
But, I mean, just even long before that, I think,
the first time you see a photo
or the first time you recognize self in the mirror, I guess,
then it's pretty obvious that you're different.
In the context of Connecticut,
different was just all of the negative associations
with different, right?
Although it's something that I've thought about
a lot recently because, in retrospect,
I think around the time that I was processing
how out of place I felt,
I didn't acknowledge that pretty much
everybody's going through that, right?
In the adolescent years
going into teenage in high school years,
every one of my friends was experiencing
some degree of that.
I think my experience might've been a little more obvious
because you can't hide being Korean, physically,
but so when I have processed it
and like revisited those emotions later in life,
it's hard for me to say now that it was all negative
I think it was just a natural part of growing up
and coming into my own,
and accepting my identity and being more curious about it.
Around the time that I was 18 I started processing identity
in multiple different levels,
and being able to watch other friends
go through their experience
and being more comfortable with their own identities,
I think, helped me a lot in terms of figuring out
what exactly my emotions were.
And at that point I was able to recognize,
"Okay, my primary emotion right now is just anger
and it's like ugly and it's wild,
and I can't place the source of it,
I can't place what to do with it,"
but it was up until that point
that I had no idea what the emotions were,
they were just kind of all swirling around
mixed with caffeine and other things
that 18 year olds have in their systems.
At that point, I think it was my first year university,
just tried to take a little more responsibility
for my own emotions and look into it a little harder,
even if it was uncomfortable.
I didn't really talk to anybody about my identity
or being Korean pretty much right up until the point
that I decided to move here, so this was when I was 30.
I had had conversations with my partners in relationships
to varying degrees of depth about where I'm at
with my identity,
but those conversations were always halted
because just emotionally I was not ready
to talk about it at all.
Even if they were well-intentioned
and really wanted to help me process,
it was just not something that I had the ability to do
at the time.
So when I was younger
I don't even remember talking to anybody about this at all,
even my sister, we didn't really talk about it.
Yeah, I think if I was able to coherently express myself,
then they would have been open for the conversation.
I just don't think I could articulate anything
that was happening inside of me,
it all just sort of came out as did
which was usually in anger, mixed emotions,
and things like that.
I don't remember them sitting me down and saying,
"Let's dig through your adoption,"
because I do remember the first time
that we actually did that,
And it was right before I was moving here
and they had to give me all these files
and then photos that they hadn't seen in years.
And at that point I remember thinking like,
"Wow, this is the conversation that I assume we had
when I was younger, but I have no memory of."
I didn't really have these conversations about
being Korean American until right before I came here,
because I kind of needed an explanation
for my friends and family and partner and employer,
and everyone that I knew
as to why I was just dropping everything
and moving here on such short notice.
And that was a really weird experience
because I went from not talking about this at all
to then all of a sudden
having to tell every single person I know.
I don't know if I even really started to have
open conversations
or if I just started saying the same thing over and over,
because I was sick of explaining it to people
and I was just saying,
"Yeah, I'm going to explore my roots, I'm out"
And then that was it.
The first reason that I wanted to come was
the story that I'd created in my mind
about finding my birth mother and hearing her story
and learning about Korea,
and a striking it rich as a millionaire, some other stuff,
in my head that there was no context of reality
about what my experience here would be,
it was just all of these inflated dreams of things
that I'd thought of throughout my entire life.
And so that seemed like a good enough reason
to explore coming here.
So a few friends that I have talked about the different...
We made up these stages that adoptees go through
and I think at a certain point when you're younger
almost all adoptees think about that,
they think about meeting their parents.
And for me, personally,
that started as very selfish reasons, right?
I wanted answers or I wanted a conversation
or something that I was owed,
but then I think the more that I've learned
and most of my friends have learned
about what it was like for birth mothers in Korea,
the interest changes entirely.
So, where a lot of my friends are at
who haven't met their birth families is just
kind of understanding how difficult it was
for birth mothers
and wanting to hear what that experience was like for them.
I think that when I came to Korea I was hoping for,
honestly, I have no idea what I was hoping for
I think I was just hoping to be all right.
I was hoping to find purpose to a degree.
I think that by the time that I got here
I had just kind of told the stupid story so many times
that I was like,
"Shit, well, now I have to actually
explore my Korean heritage
and I have to like become a Korean chef and speak Korean,"
and all this nonsense that just didn't matter at all.
But at the time it seemed super real,
there was a lot of pressure coming here, right?
I had told everyone that I know
that I was coming here to look for my birth mother
and to learn about Korea,
and I just started living, I guess.
Life happens and then you just...
The reasons that you are in one place just change
and then four years later, I guess, here I am.
Since I got here, I think almost instantaneously
there was just like a huge relief,
I all of a sudden didn't really care about
how I was identifying myself
which was strange because it went from the polar opposite
of rejecting everything, or just not rejecting, I guess,
but not wanting to put in the time to process being Korean
to then being in Korea and realizing,
Oh, well, nobody else really gives a shit
so I don't give a shit either."
And that's cool,
I went from having to explain my whole life story
and my journey here
and all these things that I'm gonna seek out,
to then getting here and meeting people
and realizing that they're just living their lives too,
they not really care about the story of some adoptee
who is here learning about Korea.
And so that was awesome, actually,
meeting a bunch of people who just didn't give a shit
was helpful for me,
because then all of a sudden I could stop
worrying about that part of my life and just live.
I think that it's important for people to ask questions
of themselves about their identity,
whenever they're comfortable with that.
And whatever that piece is
I think that there's a separation that's going to exist
with my friends who, I guess, are not willing to process
that part of their identity,
but there's just things that
we're not gonna have in common anymore,
there's things that I do want to share
that I can't really connect with people on anymore.
So, that sucks but I think, in general,
if people feel that their identity is important to them,
then, yeah, they should absolutely explore it
and feel supported in exploring it.
I mean, I can definitely think about
the most difficult moments,
the darkest or the most challenging moments.
And that was absolutely the first push
towards exploring my identity, that was challenging,
that was entirely new to me,
just mentally it was exhausting,
emotionally I wasn't really ready to do it.
In addition to that I had for some reason,
right before I came here
I had scheduled two weeks of traveling
right before I came here,
so I was just physically drained too.
And then when I got here
I didn't have any idea about what I was doing,
and I kind of befriended some people
and started working in a restaurant
where I was not actually like set up emotionally
to do what I wanted to do, which was explore my identity.
And so there were some really dark, dark times there
where I just felt entirely alone,
but at the same way embraced by people in Korea.
It was this super weird experience.
Just most days thinking,
"Okay, well I'm in Korea this is great."
I'm learning things every single day
but then also thinking,
"What the hell am I doing here?
What am I learning?
It's like 7:00 AM again and I'm like wasted off Soju,
what is the point of being here?"
I was working at this restaurant
that I didn't like the food that we were making it all,
so nothing made sense for a few months there
but in relationship to me exploring my identity
and what was the happiest moment, I think...
I mean, overall I've been super lucky,
I've had a really great experience both being here
and then personally just being able to process things,
I've been very fortunate with that.
I don't know, there's just some days you just feel great,
you just feel super comfortable in your own skin
and that's maybe one of the benefits of living here,
that just comes naturally every day
and I didn't really get that that much before
when I was in the US.
Yeah, it's gonna be entirely contradictory
but just encouraging people to just make their own decisions
when it comes to just not listen to stories,
that gets tough, it's tough
because for a while when I got here
it was the only frame of reference that I had
about what other adoptees are going through,
was to listen to stories like this.
But, I don't know, people have to go through things
their own way,
I don't recommend doing anything the way that I did,
I don't recommend people trying to glean
bits of information from my story,
but I think what I would want to share is just that
for people who are curious about that experience
and becoming more accepting of their own identity,
that there is worlds of people who are comfortable.
That feeling of not knowing what your identity is
Korean or American,
I think that it's becoming less and less common.
The younger generations are so much more comfortable
and that's super cool to see,
all my friends who are in their twenties
are very comfortable with their identity,
so hopefully people will feel more themselves
when they go through the process
of exploring their identity.
My name is Greg Norrish
and this is my Korean American story.
(calming music)