Clay Andrews: What do you do when your ex won't commit,
but won't let go? That's what we're going to be talking about in this video. But first,
my name is Clay with Modernlove.life. We help you get the great loving relationship that
you're looking for without having to play mind games, without having to play hard to
get, and without having to pretend and to be someone or something that you are not.
Because you, of course, deserve to be loved for the unique, amazing, and wonderful person
that you are. And if you agree with me, do me a favor by
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Facebook, whatever. No worries. Okay. So we're talking about when your ex
won't commit, but they won't let go. Now, this is an interesting dynamic, because there's
obviously a part of your ex that wants to be close to you and to interact with you and
to experience all the good things that interacting with you comes with. But there's also a part
of them that's sort of holding themselves back that's saying like, "Hey, I'm not sure
that this is going to be different than it was before. Our relationship didn't work out
for whatever reason before. It's all we can't go back and change the past." Or whatever
the case may be. And so there's these two dueling forces. One's
pulling them towards you, one's pulling them away from you. And your ex is kind of caught
in the middle in this tug of war between these two forces if they're having this noncommittal
issue where they can't really let go and they can't really be fully 100% in the relationship
with you. So, I mean, what do you do? What we want to do here is we want to obviously
continue to nurture the positive aspect of why they are being drawn towards you, and
we want to really cement that in place. Because one of the reasons they might not be willing
to commit to you right now is because they don't trust that this positive aspect is really
there to stay. Again. Maybe this is a positive aspect that
has been with the two of you all along, or maybe this is some recent change that you've
had as the result of the breakup. But they may not have full trust that this is just
how it's going to be moving forward. And understandably, they'll be a little bit skeptical. They'll
be wondering, "Hey, is this just you on your best behavior? Is this just you using some
sort of gimmick that you learned from a YouTube video or something like that?"
But we want to really demonstrate to them that this is just the legitimate version of
who you are, and obviously don't fake this. I'm not telling you to play mind games or
reverse psychology or any of that BS. But only demonstrate actual, real, legitimate
changes. Kind of how your ex is going to filter out whether this is real or whether this is
just some weird mind game thing that you learned somewhere else, is they have to see this demonstrated
consistently over a period of time. It's really hard to fake things like this, unless you're
just really, really good about committing to something.
In which case, why don't I just commit to it fully and then not just make it an act?
But if you can commit to demonstrating with consistency, whatever positive aspect that
they are seeing that it's drawing the two of you closer together, then eventually, it's
going to be different for each person because everyone has their own past and history and
issues and all that, but eventually there's going to be a switch that flips and suddenly
they're going to start to trust this is just how things are going to be. And when that
happens, they can start to relax into the positive aspect of what's going on between
the two of you. And that is obviously a very great thing to happen because it allows that
toward magnetism to be amplified and it gives them more reason to actually want to commit
to you. By the way, if you do want to learn more about
how to create this positive toward magnetism, one of the best ways that I know of to do
it is through what we call advanced relational skills. You can find a video playlist on those
right up there in the upper right-hand corner of this video. So feel free to check that
out if you're not familiar with what those are, or maybe you just want to get a little
bit of a refresh. But anyway, that's what one side of this coin
is. The other side is looking at why they are not willing to let go. Now, there could
be certain things that could be causing them to not commit fully, to not be 100% in the
relationship. What is it? Is it maybe a memory of something undesirable that happened in
the past? Is it things that are actively happening right now?
Maybe the two of you just somehow end up in arguments or maybe they think that the only
reason you're interacting with them is because you want to get back together with them and
that you have no interest in actually like understanding them and you're just using them
as a means to an end to get a relationship so that you can tick the box and feel good
about yourself? Or maybe they're just not trusting that like, "Okay, this isn't the
same relationship, that this is not a different relationship than the one I walked out of
in the first place." And so there's a part of them that's holding
themselves back. So to the degree possible, we need to address this as well too. So we
have nourishing and amplifying the positive aspect, and then we want to diminish the negative
aspect to whatever degree that needs to happen. Now, if the two of you are having less than
desirable interactions, sporadically every now and then you have an argument or whatever.
Then, yeah, obviously you need to look at why that's happening and you need to resolve
whatever it is that could be causing those arguments or those or whatever. Typically
it has something to do with communication or expectations or things like that, and what
you need to do is you need to work through this.
Again, the advanced relational skills can help you with that. So you can check out that
playlist if that's something that you might benefit from. It could be really helpful.
So feel free to work through that. And then again, we also have the trust aspect on this
side of the poll as well too. The more you can demonstrate that like, "Okay,
we're not going to veer into that negative territory." Whatever that might be, the lack
of trust or whatever. The more you can set up that consistency, the more it's going to
accelerate the process of them trusting that, okay, whatever that negative thing was, the
fighting, the betrayal, the hidden agenda. Whatever it is, the more they'll start to
actually let go and say, "Okay, maybe that was something that was happening in the past.
Maybe when you were in damage control mode or maybe when we were together and things
lead up to the breakup, but maybe that's not something that's worth being concerned about
right now." And that, again, is that trust switch that'll
flip, and these are two separate trust switches. So don't just think that because you switched
the positive one, the negative one's going to go off, or because you switched off the
negative one, that means the positive one is going to happen. But when one of these
switches does flip, ideally both of them will flip, that's going to create a massive positive
thrust forward towards the two of you actually working things out and getting back together.
But you have to amplify the positive and diminish the negative by first starting out, looking
at what's happening on an emotional level that is causing them to feel drawn towards
you and causing them to hold themselves back and then start to obviously increase the positive
and decrease the negative. And when you do this, you're giving your ex more reason to
choose to commit and less reason to let go of you. It should be pretty obvious, right?
It's so easy for people to get clouded by looking at this from the wrong perspective.
There's so many other people out there that'll tell you that it's all about mind games. Men
want what they can't have, women need to do this or women need someone who's higher status
or something like that. And it's not to say that these aren't important considerations,
but they're maybe secondary or tertiary on the big picture thing here when we're looking
at the emotional connection. Because typically if your ex is a high quality
person and a high quality partner, they're not just going to want to be with you because
you're a high status or because you play hard to get her because you know some reverse psychology
thing or because men and women are fundamentally different and speak alien languages or something
like that. But it's most likely because of something that's happening on the emotional
level. And if we can look at that emotional level and tweak things a little bit to, again,
improve the positive and diminish the negative, then we're doing a lot of the heavy lifting.
And yeah, maybe you can kind of smooth things over a little bit with some of those other
considerations. I mean, I wouldn't recommend the mind games, but if you're fully committed
to it, then okay, you probably wouldn't like following me in general, so don't subscribe
to this channel if that's the case, but go ahead with that. But in my opinion, the most
important thing that you should be focusing on is the quality of the emotional connection
between you and your ex. And if you can take care of that, everything else generally falls
into place, okay. You don't have to worry about all of these
attraction triggers or the friend zone or men are this way or women are that way, or
all these other things that people tell you to overthink about and obsessive out. If you
can just look at the quality of the emotional connection and optimize that, so much of the
heavy lifting is done for you and you can just let things take care of themselves. Because
if your ex actually wants to be in a relationship with you because you have amplified the positive
and diminished negative, they will do a lot of the heavy lifting for you.
They will get rid of the rebound relationship. They will tell all the friends and family
that the two of you are back together. They will do a lot of this work for you. They will
clear a path for the two of you to get back together if they want it to happen. So let's
work on the emotional connection, make them want it to happen, and then get back together
with them. So that it's not this weird mind game thing that a lot of people are making
it out to be. Anyway, I hope that helps you out. If I haven't
scared you off, you might want to check out our Facebook group. It's totally free, called
the Connected Couple, link to that down below. And once again, hit that thumbs up button.
And if you want to learn more about those advanced rules skills, there's a video playlist
over here, or you might want to check out this video right here. Once again, my name
is Clay. Thank you so much. Please take care, and I'll talk to you later.