"I feel like it's staring at me."
This is what my butthole looks like when I have hemorrhoids.
[Intro music]
Today I'm going to be reacting to a new movie on HBO Max called Moonshot.
It stars Lana Condor, Cole Sprouse and it's a romantic comedy that set in space.
If I seem a little bit off in this video, I am recovering from being sick right now.
I don't know what I have.
I took the Covid test twice and I tested negative
so it might just be the common cold or the flu or whatever,
but it's been kicking my ass.
And every time I get sick, I don't want to do anything else
but stay at home, watch movies, and just be comfortable in my pajamas.
So it's very fitting that we'll be watching the movie for this video
and I'm wearing my Tommy John pajamas
which is the sponsor of today's video.
You already know that I'm basically in my pajamas all the time anyway
so this is nothing new.
Except that for once, I actually have high quality pajamas, thanks to Tommy John.
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this is pretty much the perfect brand for you to buy from.
I ordered the Kentucky blue pajamas set top
and I can feel how premium it is
from the fabric and the fit and how it feels on my body.
And I've never had matching set pajamas before so this is a first for me.
I actually have a coordinated outfit even though I'm at home.
They're designed for motion
so I haven't experienced any wedgies or any pinching
or wringing up or anything like that.
It's comfortable and breathable.
Some of the products I ordered other than the Kentucky blue pajamas set,
include a Black Onyx sweatshirt.
This is pretty much a classic pajama for me
because I love wearing sweatshirts when I go to bed.
I also got some Charcoal Heather shorts,
which will be super useful when it gets hot later on.
And the last thing that I got is a Rugby Tan bra
and that has also been very comfortable.
So if you would like to try Tommy John today,
you can click the link in my description box below.
You can use my code to get 20% off plus free shipping.
Now without further ado, let's go ahead and watch Moonshot.
"Hi, I'm Walt and this is my official application
for the Kovi Industries Student Mars Program.
Regardless of whether this movie turns out to be good or not,
I cannot deny that Cole Sprouse is doing a very good job
at inhabiting the role of a dorky space boy
much more than his role for Jughead on Riverdale.
Because when I was forced to watch that show,
no way in hell did I ever believe he was supposed to be some badass.
Look at him in this movie.
He's like a natural.
Everyone knows at least one white guy who talks like this.
"... this is my official application."
...this is my official application.
"For the Kovi Industries Student Mars Program."
"Not that the last 36 applications weren't official,
it's just this is my final one.
Because they are actually making me graduate after this semester, so..."
You have the rambling that's supposed to be seen as endearing,
but nobody actually gives a shit.
He has it nailed down.
"... all I wanted to do was go to the Sun.
And I know that you can't actually go to the Sun.
My mom would try to tell me that, but I would just stare at it."
I swear to God, I'm not even making fun of him right now.
I'm actually pretty impressed with his facial expressions.
He's trying to get that Oscar for whitest boy alive.
The camera was zoomed in close for a reason.
He was like I'm gonna do some facial work.
Can I just say I hate it when characters have names
where both the first and last name can be considered its own name.
You literally have a movie that set in outer space
and your main guy character's name is Walter Scott.
"... to meet you on Mars."
Well, 2049 is not that far away.
Hmmm. I don't think it will be that advanced by 2049.
If anything, I feel like we have regressed looking at the past three years.
It's funny looking at older sci-fi movies that show a couple years from now
and they think everything is just so much more advanced and refined
and in actuality when you get to that year, literally nothing happened.
There had been no flying cars just corruption and a new mutation of COVID.
"... Brandon out of here?
Will you stop..."
Eww. That is so rude.
I hate when people do that.
I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.
If I'm on my laptop, do not look at what I'm doing.
Don't even put your face close to me.
This is 2049, have they not learned from 2020?
"What are you doing? Get out!
Just looking for the bathroom.
Who walks into bathrooms without knocking?
Walt."
"... astrophysics major?
How did you know that?
I was in your Intro to Fluid Dynamics class."
Okay, so the blonde girl is going to be the fake love interest for Cole Sprouse.
But his actual love interest will be Lana Condor.
He only thinks he likes the blonde girl
but it turns out that he's fallen for Lana Condor even more deeply
and that is the lesson for white couples who are both blonde should not be together.
"Mars has been our mirror our foil.
A telltale reflection of what has been deepest in our hearts.
With so few landmarks, guideposts, or constraints...
our human seeking has rushed to fill it."
I don't believe she's ever strucked those words together in her head, ever.
Isn't it funny when Hollywood people try to pretend they're smart?
Is this what people have to say now leading up to a kiss?
They just have to spin nonsensical ideologies
that don't really make any sense.
And as long as you stare at each other for like five seconds,
that's enough for a kiss?
"Applicant ID 781-2439.
Thirty-seven applications found.
Application one, rejected.
- Application two, rejected. - Stop, stop. Please stop."
Dude, he has been rejected 37 times from this program.
At some point, you just have to accept that you're stupid.
I feel like so many people have a hard time accepting that they're mediocre,
but it's okay.
It's okay to be average.
It's okay to be dumb.
It's okay to not be special.
If you think about it, it's kind of unrealistic to expect to be.
This bitch is me at any coffee shop.
I literally look like that on a fucking daily basis.
"- We had a plan.
One year, long distance and then he comes back to Earth and I graduate
and we use his terraforming expertise and my focus on eco reconstruction...
He checks all the boxes.
Oh. You mean, literally."
So she's a very type A character
who is used to always have like a plan for everything
and it's very rigid under structure.
We already know what her character development is going to be like.
She's going to learn to loosen up more
and that's a way for her to transform and grow as a character.
I like that this actress is getting more roles after To All the Boys
but it's kind of a bummer that is basically the same role as she had
in the To All the Boys movie.
Like she's still a very type A character.
"What does this Mars genius have that I don't?
Everything.
Could you actually be more specific?
I'm trying to figure out why they keep rejecting my applications."
Bro, I don't know how to tell you this, you're just dumb.
If you have been rejected several times,
you're just dumb.
But seriously speaking how does he not know why he's been rejected?
Because this is supposed to be a futuristic high tech kind of society, right?
Surely his results would show all the reasons why he was rejected.
It would probably be very prescriptive with percentages
for why he didn't go for this certain category.
How the hell are you gonna go to Mars
when you can't even dump out a trash bag properly.
"... you just got the world's first interstellar cat video.
This little genius snuck into one of our escape pods back on Earth.
Oh, so he is gonna get an idea to sneak onto the escape pod
by using the same method that the cat did.
"... hear me out for one minute."
Oh my God, this bitch talk so much.
Has Lana Condor been through enough? Fuck.
"It's something I have to do when I'm nervous.
I dance to relieve tension."
She dances whenever she's nervous.
Very quirky of her.
This is the kind of shit
the only pretty girls get away with.
If a pretty girl dances whenever she's nervous
to release her nerves,
people think that's quirky and cute.
You see an ugly girl do that, you're like,
"What the fuck is she doing? Is she okay?"
You catch me doing that shit on public, I would get tased.
[Music]
This is giving Suite Life of Zack and Cody shenanigans right now.
It's giving Disney Channel.
He's going back to his roots.
But if it was that easy to sneak onto a ship
literally by just doing cartwheels,
wouldn't everybody be doing that by now?
How's his man who has been rejected 37 times from some elite program
somehow able to sneak onto a ship?
I need a machine to administer care for me
whenever I go through my night terrors.
Me try to go to sleep when I'm being haunted by my thoughts,
just have a needle stick itself on my neck so I can just pass out like that.
"This is Sophie, my girlfriend.
Long-term girlfriend.
Why are you two standing so far apart?
Most young couples are all over each other, kissing... at an alarming frequency."
This is what's so weird about any fake dating story.
You have these random side characters who are like,
"How come you're not making out in front of my face?
Why aren't you doing it on top of this table right now?"
Most people wouldn't give a shit.
You tell them you're a couple,
they're like, "Okay, whatever, I don't give a shit."
"You can't change things without telling me, okay?
There's a plan and we stick to the plan.
I didn't change your plans. Calvin did.
I didn't ditch you to go to Mars for a job, Calvin did.
You know what?
Perhaps he has a point.
Perhaps he snapped.
"Hi, I'm Calvin. I'm a terraformologist.
And you've spent your entire lives trying to check an impossible set of boxes...
But maybe when you find that thing
that you're willing to cross the entire universe to be with...
...make sure it's ready to do the same for you.
Don't terraform yourself.
It's your life, too."
I have no words.
I truly have no words.
"I'm done.
Tabby... let's get married.
- What? - ...he's right.
I should have never put Mars before us.
Before you."
You're telling me his improvise speech was so good,
he inspired the gays to get married.
He said nothing about terraforming.
But he did say LGBT.
The T stands for Terraform.
What the fuck is going on?
They literally just had a lecture and then two random lesbians got engaged
and now they're having a party.
What kind of program is this?
Do they actually learn anything?
I know he's not looking at her like she's the most beautiful thing in the world
when she's literally wearing aluminum foil.
This is what my lunch looks like when I don't have Tupperware
and I need to bag it up.
You cannot convince me that she can look around,
see him in his red boxers, and feel her heart fluttering from that.
From that?
That will give me the eek.
Literally what was that even supposed to mean?
I feel like movies just think that
if you have to conventionally good looking people
stare at each other for a few seconds,
that's supposed to be chemistry.
If I just stare at you for a few seconds,
that doesn't mean I'm falling in love with you.
It probably means I just spaced out
and I happen to be looking at your vicinity.
Oh my God, is the spaceship you're gonna collide against something?
Are they all gonna die?
That would be something.
That would actually make me wake up to this movie.
"How do you feel about air ducts?"
This movie solution to getting out of any problem
is literally just going through air ducts,
which are conveniently big enough to fit a grown man.
"Walt. Walt?"
This is literally me whenever I'm on my phone.
You could never rely on me for a heist or a high stakes mission
because my phone will die within the first few seconds.
"I feel like it's staring at me."
This is what my butthole looks like when I have hemorrhoids.
Oh no, they're staring at each other for a prolonged amount of time.
I know what this means.
Shut it down.
"Where are we?
We are about five minutes from where I grew up."
Bitch, you live like this?
It smells dank as hell.
"Why haven't you called?
My tablet died.
You can't disappear like that, okay?"
Yeah, we had a whole movie about whether Lara Jean and Peter Kaminski
can survive long distance and now we see that they cannot.
Look at how easy it is for her to get bored of her man
now that that new white guy has entered her life.
Why are you looking at the gays?
They're not going to help you.
They're literally falling asleep.
"I can't help you anymore.
I can't risk it.
Calvin... is here."
Yeah, man.
She can't risk it for a new dick.
Your biggest credit is Riverdale.
That dick ain't worth it.
"You're not supposed to be here.
And you are? 'Cause you can buy a ticket."
Oh, he said classism is real.
"You are so obsessed with escaping your average existence
that you would blow up my life, her life, for what?
For some sort of adventure? For some stupid journal entry?"
She do got a point.
He's just a basic bitch afraid of mediocrity
that he's got to fuck up everybody else's life just so that he can be relevant.
Facts are spoken.
"Sophie, I couldn't blow up your life if I tried."
Ohhh.
"You're living his life.
Do you think he's gonna move for you?
Do you think he's gonna go back to Earth for you?
That he's not going to get offered a better job,
and you're gonna go along with it...?
He's never gonna meet you halfway.
He's never going to follow you.
You're a coward, Sophie."
Oh, shit!
This shit got too real.
Listen, not many people have personalities, okay?
Not many people have their own individuality.
Maybe Lara Jean is just one of those girlies
who's gonna be confined to basic men
because she has nothing else going on in her life.
Is that so wrong?
What else are you supposed to do when you have no personality?
Y'all are just basic.
And that's okay.
I'm here because I am wanted...
You are here because no one cares where you are."
Bro, okay, you know what?
She won this one.
She won this argument.
She was like, here's the last word bitch.
She's like, at least somebody wants me.
Unlike you, you fucking loser.
What if she died on this rocket ship
and that was the last thing she ever said to him.
That would be kind of funny.
Damn, y'all are living in the future
and you still have this basic ass Ikea furniture.
If I could be any character in this movie, I would want to be the cat.
And not because I'm a furry,
but because it looks like it would be an easy job.
Now she's having doubts because like Cole Sprouse said,
her whole life has been dictated by her boyfriend.
The thing is, there's actually a lot of girls who are in this situation
but lack the self awareness to even know they're in this situation.
"I have been monitoring your progress
since you first entered that escape pod back on Earth."
Oh, so there were cameras.
He just didn't get into any trouble
because people who look like him never deal with any real consequences.
"You remind me of a young me, Walt."
Mmmm, I hate him already.
And of course he would cut someone like Cole Sprouse O'Brien.
No one suffers any real repercussions.
Would do you have given the main girl the same chance?
I don't think so.
Because that would have never been believable.
"Unremarkable in every way.
Truly middle of-the-road, by all metrics.
Okay...
Stowing away for an historic journey against impossible odds,
Now, that is a story people wanna hear, Walt."
Do people actually want to hear this kind of story though?
Because I gotta be honest,
I tuned out in most of this movie.
The beds in this movie are so sad.
Nobody gets a full size bed.
Even the couple's bed, you're forced to squeeze into a twin?
Absolutely not. Absolutely not.
They don't got king sized beds in the future.
What is this?
[Music]
What if she's actually fine what her life situation,
she just has depression.
Or is that something only I would deal with?
Mm-hmm, that's the theme of the movie right here.
Doesn't matter how far you move,
you're always gonna be stuck with yourself in the end.
Me every time I moved to a new country or a state
and romanticize being a digital nomad
only to realize I still have depression.
Feels bad.
This bitch just reused her aluminum foil dress and that's on recycling.
Damn, that's a good one.
That is a good one.
It's true though because so many girls will do so much for a guy
and the guy will barely give anything back.
Like...
"... you're gonna cut the ribbon.
It's gonna be very exciting. We want you there.
But, why me?
Can I be honest with you?
People cannot get over how average you are.
It's like a superpower or something, I don't know what it is."
Imagine if your superpower was that you're basic as hell.
Maybe this was cast correctly.
"Sophie Tsukino is no longer registered as a resident.
What?
She is the sole passenger on today's return shuttle to Earth.
...it stinks in here.
This ship smells so bad.
What are you doing here?
I'm following you."
Ahh dammit dammit dammit.
That's kind of sweet.
I will admit that that is kind of sweet.
She finally has someone who's willing to follow her dreams
but it's a really much of a compliment coming from him
because he got nothing else going on in his life.
Hurray. They finally kiss.
We get our happy ending.
That's the end of the movie.
I just thought it was okay.
I do feel like even though the movie tried to be a little bit more different
by having it take place in outer space
while still following the same tropes as like a teen romance,
I don't think it was very different enough to keep me entertained.
Maybe if the cast was different, I would feel differently
because I also didn't feel much chemistry between the two main characters.
Actually, I kind of would have preferred them to be platonic.
Thanks for watching the movie with me.
Go ahead and unsubscribe from my channel and goodbye!
[Music: Lonely Calling - Arc De Soleil]