>> STEPHEN: FOLKS, I'M A REAL ANIMAL LOVER.
I ESPECIALLY LOVE DOGS WHICH IS WHY I DO A SEGMENT ON THE "LATE
SHOW" CALLED "RESCUE DOG RESCUE," WHERE A CELEBRITY GUEST
AND I HELP FIND RESCUE DOGS A HOME BY LYING ABOUT HOW GREAT
THEY ARE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT, SO
FAR, EVERY SINGLE DOG THAT WE HAVE SUCCESSFULLY BEEN ADOPTED.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YEAH.
AND I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS-- I'M ABOUT TO DO IT AGAIN.
IT'S TIME FOR ANOTHER EDITION OF "RESCUE DOG RESCUE!"
♪ ( HOWLING )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HELLO!
OF COURSE, IT IS NEARLY ALL HALLOW'S EVE, SO WE'VE GOT A
SPOOOOOKY BATCH OF PUPPIES BACK THERE.
HERE TO HELP ME OUT IS A MAN WHOSE BARK IS WORSE THAN HIS
BITE, BILLY EICHNER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HI, BILLY!
GOOD TO SEE YA!
THANKS FOR JOINING US, BILLY.
ARE YOU EXCITED TO HELP LIE ABOUT SOME PUPPIES TO FIND THEM
NEW HOMES?
>> YES!
AND THAT IS THE "FIRST" LIE-- BECAUSE I HAVE A SERIOUS DOG
ALLERGY AND THEY'LL FLARE UP IF I HOLD A PUPPY.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
THAT'S NOT A JOKE.
IT'S TRUE.
WHAT IF I HOLD THEM AND YOU JUST LIE ABOUT THEM?
>> I'M IN!
>> STEPHEN: GREAT!
WHO HAVE WE GOT?
OH, HERE WE GO!
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) OH, WHO'S THIS LITTLE FELLA?
OH, GREAT.
ALL RIGHT.
BEFORE WE GET STARTED -- A REMINDER: ALL THE PUPPIES WE
HAVE HERE TONIGHT ARE ACTUAL ADOPTABLE DOGS FROM
"NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FIRST UP -- YES, HELLO!
HELLO!
MEET WINNIE.
IF YOU ADOPT THIS LITTLE BANANA, EVERYONE WILL FIND YOU
"APPEALING."
( LAUGHTER ) SERIOUSLY, SHE RELEASES AN
INTOXICATING PHEROMONE THAT MAKES BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE WANT TO
HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) WINNIE REMINDS YOU, WRAP THAT
BANANA.
( LAUGHTER ) ALL RIGHT.
WHO DO WE HAVE NEXT?
>> THIS IS ZERO!
HE'S DRESSED AS A DOCTOR, BUT THAT'S JUST A COSTUME.
IN REALITY, HE'S A HIGH-POWERED CLASS ACTION ATTORNEY WITH A
BEAUTIFUL LAKE HOUSE.
( LAUGHS ) DOCTOR MONEY ISN'T GONNA PUT A
WINE CELLAR IN YOUR BOAT IS IT, ZERO?
>> Stephen: OKAY.
UP NEXT, WE HAVE -- WHO'S THIS?
OH!
THIS IS BINX.
SHE'S DRESSED LIKE A SHARK, BUT IRONICALLY HER FAVORITE STEPHEN
SPIELBERG MOVIE ISN'T "JAWS," IT'S "CATCH ME IF YOU CAN."
( LAUGHTER ) SHE THINKS IT'S A STIRRING
MEDITATION ON THE PATHOS AT THE HEART OF AMERICAN CAPITALISM.
SERIOUSLY, SHE WON'T SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
( LAUGHTER ) LET'S SEE WHO WE'VE GOT HERE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> MAX IS A FOOTBALL PLAYER WHO
FULLY SUPPORTS A PLAYER'S RIGHT TO KNEEL DURING THE NATIONAL
ANTHEM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: YES!
WHO TAKES A STAND AGAINST SYSTEMIC RACISM?
YOU DO!
>> BUT DON'T GET TOO EXCITED, HE'S ALSO A GLOBAL WARMING
DENIER.
WAKE UP, MAX!
ANYWAY, YOU'LL HAVE SOME INTERESTING CONVERSATIONS.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, THIS LITTLE FELLA RIGHT HERE -- OH,
HELLO!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS LITTLE FELLA IS CHUCKIE.
HE'S NOT DRESSED AS THE POPE FOR HALLOWEEN, HE'S ACTUALLY
STARRING IN HBO'S SPIN-OFF TO "YOUNG POPE," ENTITLED "DOG
POPE."
( LAUGHTER ) WHEN HE FIRST SAW THE SCRIPT, HE
WASN'T SURE ABOUT ALL THE SEX SCENES, BUT EVENTUALLY DECIDED
THEY WERE TASTEFUL AND NECESSARY TO THE PLOT.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS CHEERLEADER IS KENNY.
-- PENNY.
"TWO-FOUR-SIX-EIGHT!
WHO WON'T WATCH YOU MASTURBATE?" ALSO, MORE IMPORTANTLY, PENNY
IS A SPECIALLY BRED HYPO ALLERGENIC-DOG MAKING HER SAFE
FOR EVERYONE TO CUDDLE WITH?
>> REALLY?
AMAZING?
>> STEPHEN: NO, BILLY!
THESE HAVE ALL BEEN LIES!
YOU TOUCH THIS DOG, YOU WILL DIE!
>> OKAY.
WELL, THAT DOES IT FOR "RESCUE DOG RESCUE."
>> I'M SURE ALL THE SMOKE IS GREAT FOR THE DOG, BY THE WAY.
>> Stephen: IT'S FINE.
DOGS LOVE CARBON DIOXIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) HEAD TO THE "LATE SHOW'S"
WEBSITE: WWW.COLBERTLATESHOW.COM FOR INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE
DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA.
BILLY EICHNER EVERYBODY!
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BILLY EICHNER!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )