3, 2, 1, go!
Is that technically not cheating?
Who keeps saying that car thieves are very clever these days?
This one isn't, is it?
He's in. I've got 34 seconds.
Thirty-four seconds for the Transit to withstand
the world's most useless burglar.
3, 2, 1, go!
Thirty-four seconds.
He's getting in.
Ten seconds.
-He just walked up on it and it opens. -Ten seconds, sire.
This is it. It's the final challenge.
It's a game of cops and robbers round the Top Gear short circuit.
You start, then 20 seconds later, a police car will give chase.
The person who stays in front the longest wins.
Who's driving a police car?
Says here it's Detective Inspector Stig.
Stig would be driving a standard 1.6-litre Vauxhall Astra panda car.
A Bugatti Veyron compared to our vans.
Jeremy went first exciting.
Exciting.
There goes Clarkson with his haul.
Okay, now, in the 1970s, 80 per cent of all bank jobs
featured a Ford Transit van as a getaway vehicle.
Twenty seconds later, Stig of the Yard set off.
Ooh, the follow-through, yes.
Oh, my door's gone. My door's gone!
He looks such a pillard.
Shedding weight, however, was good.
Detective Inspector Stig far behind.
The finish line was in sight. Here I come.
Oh no. No!
Arrested.
No! No!
I didn't make it.
That was excellent. Worthy.
Next up, James Cray.
What a majestic sight!
There goes police Stig.
Make the hammerhead.
-Has James ever gone round the hammerhead? -No.
Braking hard.
Well, he's got me. It's all over.
I'll come cleanly. It's a fair call.
He did better than I thought. This might-- you might do quite well here.
Yeah.
-Short wheelbase. -This is like a little rocket.
So the first corner, now, it's mid-endinge.
I recon I'm gonna give it the old Scandanavian flick.
He's rolled it. Have a look.
-He's out. He's lost. -He's second.
So...he could be dead.
There's a police car at the scene of the accident, so...
But if he is dead and you fancy a job on Top Gear,
why not write to us at I'm better than Richard Hammond was...
I may have overcooked that a bit.
...BBC Woodlane, London w12 7ts.
Right. It is time to add up the scores and see who's won.
Yup, now we've already filled in the scores
for the drag race, the loading and the thief test.
The tailgating is where it gets tricky.
You get a point for every centimetre under...
Every centimeter under 10 centimetres.
Right, so I was minus a half. Richard, you were 9,
and James, you were minus 4 million.
Hang on a minute. I lose 4 million points for not tailgating.
That's exactly right, and you don't get anything for the door challenge,
because you were still naming all your spanners. Who won that one?
-It was me! I won the door challenge. -Hang on.
You put that on with gaffer tape.
You can't count that.
The British Army is held together with gaffer tape.
Jeremy, it didn't open and if something doesn't open, it's not a door.
-He's right. -It did open.
-It didn't. -It did when if fell off.
You can't claim that! All right, who here thinks Jeremy one with the door?
Who thinks Jeremy won that? Hands up.
Who thinks I won fitting my door on with bolts? Everybody.
One for me. You lost.
You did. You lost.
Fair enough. I'm not sore.
Any more? We have three, so you get three.
And you get none.
Well, you're gloating, not, man.
And I get two.
Now, the police chase, that would be a big three for me.
-James you did well. Two. -Thank you.
-And you, one. -One?
Your van rolled over.
I could have been killed.
-So? You'd have still lost. -Exactly.
Exactly and now we've got to add these up,
so it's five, six, five and a half, seven a half, ten and a half.
Richard, three, fourth, ooh...
-Stretching it. -Four, seven...
Twenty, okay, and James,
you're two, three, four, five, six, seven,
three million--
sorry, minus three million nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred
-and ninety three yeah is what you scored. -Yeah.
Didn't go well for you, did it?
Not going well.
However, there was one more challenge,
because the producers told us told us to put a man with the van type ad
in a newspaper each, and then we would each get
each get one point for every response we got from our ad.
Yes, we did, so James, what was your advert?
My ad was man with van,
LDB convoy with fully functioning automatic door system,
driven by steady sensitive classically trained pianist
Nice.
Pretty good. Now remember, it's one point for each reply.
Chance for you to claw back some points here, James. How many replies?
-None. -Right.
So you're pretty much out.
Richard, your ad was?
My ad ran like this: driver with van, surprisingly spacious,
would suit anyone who lives up very narrow street,
speedy delivery guaranteed,
thanks to F1-star mid-engined layout,
which it's got, which it has.
-No denying that. How many replies? -One.
One, so you actually now get 21.
I think this man-with-a-van malarkey's not as well-paid
-as we might have imagined. -It's not brilliant.
-Let's hear it. -So, mine, very quickly, very simple:
man with van, classic Ford Transit, well-ventilated.
It had no door on it!
Well ventilated.
Willing driver, slightly bad back,
Okay, so let me work this out.
So if you-- Hammond's in the lead, but if you get
more than ten and a half replies,
you'll have won.
-Yes, eleven and a half. -Eleven and a half.
-And you got? -None.
Yes, I win! It's me! Thank you.