How do you stop being used for sex and what do you do if the guys expected you to pay
but he's not kind of made up for it yet.
Welcome to Ask Mark, this is number 27 and first of all, I wanted to thank you for your
feedback last week.
I've tallied up the answers and overall it's pretty close.
I asked the question or should I split the Ask Mark videos into say four separate videos
or should I keep them together as one in four overall was pretty 50-50.
Ah the pros are splitting it would be that the contents are a bit more sort of organized.
The cons is that there's more editing time there for me and probably YouTube doesn't
like me as much.
So look at this stage, what I'm going to do is split them into two.
I've got a main question and a piggyback question and we're going to see how that goes.
It's just going to be a case of editing time and if I can split it further, uh, I may even
go back to the four in one concept.
I'm just going to see how it goes with my editing time, et cetera.
So thank you for your contribution and for feedback.
Today's first question is a really interesting one and it's from LaShawn, and it demonstrates
a fascinating mindset about sex and being used for sex.
LaShawn, says hi, Mark.
Awesome video.
So I slept with this guy after one month.
Prior to that we went out five times and he never tried to make a move on me, not once,
was very respectful, never mentioned sex, treated me very well when we were together,
but usually I would text him first, et cetera.
So we had sex for the first time about a week ago, which I initiated.
It's now been five days, and he hasn't contacted me.
I reach out to him and he's ignored my text.
I feel so hurt and used, but I really like this guy.
We have so much in common and he treated me like a girlfriend when we were out, so I'm
not sure what to do at this point.
Okay.
This question I've found fascinating because it demonstrates very clearly an important
point relating to expectations regarding sex.
So LaShawn here through most of this relationship has done the initiating.
She's uh, she's uh, texted the guy, she has set up most of the dates by the sounds of
it.
She has even taken him home and initiated the sex.
So she is directly responsible for everything that's happened.
Now, even if the guy has initiated, you've still, as long as you're a consenting adult,
you're still responsible for that decision.
But it's particularly obvious in this example because LaShawn has initiated.
Now given that what expectations is LaShawn attaching to says she's saying, I will enjoy
sex if number one, the sex is good and I liked the guy.
Ah number two, I wake up happy the next morning, and number three, he keeps talking to me and
does what I want for the next two weeks dadada proceeding it - something you can control,
something you can control, something you can't control.
The third thing there, what he does after sex is, is not something that's within your
power.
He can.
He can always change his mind.
There are always things he can do after sex that you might not like but which are always
possible because you can't control what someone does.
If you come to sex with the expectation that something X, Y, Z is going to happen afterwards.
In other words, I can enjoy the sex on the night.
I can be pleased I did the next morning, but two weeks later I can think it's a bad decision
because of subsequent things.
It tells me that you're not having the sex just for the sex.
The sex has all these expectations attached to it.
Any time it has these expectations attached to it, there's a risk of you feeling like
shit afterwards because there's, you're trying to control things and relying on circumstances
that you have no control over.
The best thing I can say here and LaShawn's example is so clear because she initiated
it, is you have to take responsibility for sex and the reasons you're doing it.
If you're going to initiate only based on you being happy.
If two weeks later he's still there, then ask yourself, is that the right reasons to
initiate?
If you're going to have sex, it has to be for you.
It has to be for the right reasons.
It has to be because you're empowered relating to your sexuality.
It has to be because you want to enjoy sex on that night in that spot.
If it's conditional, you know I mean you could talk to the guy about it before, but you're
still, he's still his own man.
He can still choose what he wants to do, and you're always, anytime you're attaching these
expectations, you're always going to have that possibility that it doesn't work out,
and you end up feeling used.
And the second point, which I'm going to talk about in a follow-up video, is how to stop
being used isn't a very empowering question.
It's not increasing his non-physical attraction.
It's not empowering yourself sexually.
It's not changing the things that may be made the guy flake or made the guy lose interest
after sex.
It's just literally gonna stop being used.
There's not really many good answers about it.
Have less sex, uh, play games to figure out his interest before sex.
There's, there's not that many empowering answers to that question.
But what I really want you to take home from this is, are you attaching subconscious expectations
to your sex because your expectations won't change what he does, this is very important
is he's not going to stay or go based on what you expect from it.
He's going to do his own thing.
So if you don't expect him to stay, it's not going to mean that he doesn't.
And if you do expect him to stay, it's not going to mean that he does.
It's just going to mean if you attach expectations that you're at a chance of feeling like shit
like LaShawn does now.
So ask yourself, if I'm going to have sex, am I doing it for the right reasons?
And if this guy were to disappear tomorrow, would I still be okay with the decision?
Do I still want to enjoy my sexuality for me?
If the answer is no, perhaps it's not the best time to have sex with that guy yet.
Hope that answers your question, LaShawn.
And the second question comes from Adam and Adam says, hi, Mark, uh, Adamina here.
Uh, brilliant advice to us girls out there.
Thank you.
I'm facing a small dilemma.
This is the guy I'm dating paid for dinner once even though, uh even after I offered,
uh, and then the second time we went out, I paid full bill when the check came as he'd
gone to a loo in the interim.
It's convenient timing.
No, it actually, it actually sounds pretty legit to do that because you're not going
to sort of wait around.
I think that's pretty fair.
The third time though, he decided to book a hotel through Expedia, but then came up
with the excuse that his credit card didn't work and see if I could book it for him and
that he'd pay.
Now I make the reservation through my credit card and paid for it as well.
I jokingly said that I didn't really expect him to pay me back and that he could make
it up with a couple of dinners on his part.
My question to you is, Mark, did I do anything wrong by footing the room bill?
I mean, would it make sense?
Would it make me lose my attraction with him?
Also, what do I have to watch out to see if he is someone who sponges off women?
So far, he doesn't seem so, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility.
How do you spot a guy who takes advantage of women paying?
I thought this was an interesting little situation because it shows that this couple is starting
to set up that kind of even uh, investment into one another.
Literally in this case with money and the investments just swung a little bit one way,
and this is where, uh, Adamina has to just make sure that it swings back the other way.
The guy was a gentleman on the first date, paid for dinner, awesome.
Second date, he was in the toilet.
And I think it's pretty reasonable in that situation Adamina would cover, he then says
his credit card doesn't work, but I'll uh, can you pay for it and I'll pay you back and
Adamina, I don't know if she said this text or in person says, look, don't worry about
it.
Uh, I will, um, you could buy me a couple of dinners.
Now depending how I come across and depending on the tonality, the context that it was put
in, I could see myself and I could see a lot of guys going.
Yup.
Okay, fair.
And not expecting her to taking, taking that comment seriously.
So I think overall, uh, did I do anything wrong by footing the bill?
No, I don't think you did.
I don't think you did.
I mean, look in this case, let's give the guy the benefit of the doubt.
It sounds like he, you know, he paid for the first, he doesn't sound like a sponge.
Um, but definitely now, the ball's in his court because you're at this point now where
okay, you've invested a bit more, and it's his turn to be true to his word.
And I think the next couple of dinners would be on him.
So, uh, you say you're out with dinner with him.
Um, I'd certainly be expecting him to fund the next couple of dinners and if he doesn't,
if he doesn't come through in his word there, that's when I'd be thinking, okay, is this
guy sponging now.
That's when I start to get suspicious as it stands right now, no, I agree.
I think, ah, he doesn't seem to be, but if he does it again now, if he's not true to
his word, quite possibly.
Well, thank you both for the questions.
We'll put out another video very soon and look, leave your comments, thoughts, questions,
et cetera below.
Give the video a thumbs up and yep add them in, I want to see them.
So that's ask Mark.
I'm gonna put another video out tomorrow.
We'll see how this split thing goes and look.
Yeah, leave a comment and make sure you subscribe.
And I'll see you tomorrow in the next, Ask Mark.