- Hum.
- (sighs) okay.
Let's do it.
(hardcore rock music)
Hello and welcome to Cry Battle,
the show where whoever cries the most wins.
And we're with Anthony Padilla.
- Hello.
And I'm ready to cry.
- Anthony, are you a big cry baby?
- I don't know about the word baby but I do cry--
- Uh huh.
- Quite a bit.
I'm not afraid to show my emotions at least
since going to therapy.
Before therapy, I was a (phew) wall.
- Walled up?
- Wall.
- I went to therapy for the first time on Sunday.
- Sunday?
- Dude it was Sunday.
- Less than a week ago was your first
experience with therapy?
- It was four, yeah four days ago,
and I was like, oh.
- How was that?
- I was really crying.
- Oh, you actually got into it?
- Yeah.
When did you do therapy?
Was it four days ago?
(laughs)
(upbeat rock music)
So the first round is crying on command.
Do you feel like you can cry on command?
- I don't know,
I feel like sometimes I can muster up a little like
glossy look but I don't think I've ever gotten to the
point where it's like, on command tears dropping
down the cheeks kind of status.
- [Jordan] Nice.
- What about you, you pretty good at it?
- I've been practicing for a couple months now now
that I know that we're actually filming this show.
- Oh, you've been practicing, shit.
- How're you feeling?
Ready?
- No, but let's do it, yeah.
- All right, let's go three, two, one, go.
(suspenseful string music)
(explosions)
(sighs) How you doin' man?
- I felt it.
I couldn't feel a drip.
- You got a little drippy.
- Whoa, I don't even know what I was thinking about,
I was just, it was an empty void in my head.
- Really?
I also was empty.
(laughs)
- That's why we're.
(laughs)
I'm like, I'm so empty.
(laughs)
Life is meaningless.
- Okay, when I say sad,
you say childhood.
Sad.
- Childhood.
- What comes to mind?
- Feeling like I was never good enough.
- Oh god, fuck.
I'm laughing because I almost immediately started crying.
(laughs)
- I saw it, I saw your,
why did you--
- [Jordan] I'm crying right now.
- Yeah, why did you cry from that?
- I don't know.
- Why did that make you cry?
- It's 'cause I felt the same way.
(both laughing)
- It was too relatable?
- I was like whoa.
(laughs)
I just went to therapy on Sunday.
(hardcore rock music)
And now for a round called watching
emotionally manipulative videos.
- Oh, great.
- [Jordan] Now, on the screen we see this dog here.
- I see a dog, it's just a still frame of a
dog pushing dirt.
I don't know what's about to happen,
but I know it's gonna be--
- [Jordan] It's gonna be--
- It's already, I feel it.
- Three, two, one.
- Play.
- [Male Voice] Anything at home.
- No!
- Oh, fuck.
(suspenseful music)
- Yo, that's fucked up.
- That's really messed up.
- He's burying another dog.
- Oh, was it another dog?
- Don't you see the legs popping out?
- [Jordan] Oh, fuck.
- The dog is burying another dog.
- He's burying another dog,
I thought he was digging up a human.
- No!
Whoa, so maybe this dog is actually just burying something
it thinks that it wants to save later to eat.
- Yeah, yeah maybe the dogs like I'm gonna
eat the fuck out of this other dog.
(both laugh)
(hardcore rock music)
Okay, now for a round called looking at yourself
in the mirror and crying.
Basically, you look at yourself in the mirror
and attempt to cry.
So, let's do it.
(suspenseful music)
(explosion)
Man.
What are you thinking about?
- I'm telling myself I'm good enough.
- Oh god.
(laughing)
Stop doing that.
(hardcore rock music)
Okay, so this round is called cutting onions.
Supposedly, onions like when you break the cell walls
of an onion, they make you cry.
- Is there a reason for that?
- There's like a chemical release.
I guess the blunter the knife, the more damage to the cell
walls and more gases get released to dry your eyes out.
- Oh, got it, got it.
- Yeah.
But I don't know, I'm not a scientist,
I'm just the son of a doctor, so,
who am I to say?
- Damn, that sounds like an insult.
- On a plane,
there was someone like suffering from a medical emergency.
And we were on vacation and my dad,
they were like, "Is anyone a doctor?"
And I saw my dad go.
(laughing)
- I wonder if that happens all the time?
It's probably like the same thing as someone
realizing that you own a truck with a bed,
and you're like, mmm, no I'm not helping you move.
- In an interview, you said you would choose Squirtle
as your starter Pokemon.
- Yes, 'cause I'm not a chode.
- 'Cause you're not a chode?
- Yes.
- That's a good reason.
- Oh.
- Were there any, oh, wow.
Oh wow.
Okay, oh God, yeah, nice, nice, nice.
Yeah, cry for me dude.
Cry for me bro.
- Do you like that?
- [Jordan] I like it, please.
- Do you like it?
- [Jordan] Yeah.
- Do you want more of it?
- Yeah.
- You like when I cry for you?
- I want you to cry all over my face man.
(laughing)
When you were 15, you were diagnosed
with Henoch-Schonlein purpura?
- Wow!
- Was that right?
- If these, if I didn't have these gloves on,
it would be a loud clap that you'd be hearing right now.
- Loud clap for me.
- You did it man, that was impressive.
- So, who's your starter,
Henoch, Schonlein, or purpura?
(laughing)
- Holy shit.
I'd be into those Pokemon.
Just a little medical awareness.
- So that sort of left you bedridden,
home-ridden for a long time.
- It attacked my insides.
My intestines and my digestive system,
and I wasn't able to process food or keep it down
in the same way.
And, I was near convinced I was going to die
because I was just laying there not able to function
and I was just constantly vomiting.
- Oh my god, that's so sad man.
- Yeah, I can tell.
(laughing)
No onions needed.
(hardcore rock music)
- Now for a round called pulling
nose hairs with tweezers.
- [Anthony] Cool, so--
- Pick up your little mirror.
- So we're plucking?
- Yes, we're plucking nose hairs and I've read on the
internet that it'll illicit tears.
- Shall we do it?
- [Jordan] Yeah, let's do it.
- Okay.
Got dos.
Get nothing?
Oh, okay.
That one I felt.
- Yeah, okay, there you go.
Nice.
- [Anthony] Is it working for you?
- Yeah, look at this.
- Are you crying 'cause it hurts or because you're sad
that you're losing a bit of yourself every time.
You're like I grew that.
I built you with my own energy.
- (laughs) like I'm their mother.
- [Anthony] Yes (laughs).
- And now you're leaving me.
What, just because you got into Barnard?
- Barnard?
- All girls school man.
- Oh, hell yeah!
- What, what do the girls prefer more?
Is it, was it the emo hair, the fro-y,
sort of long hair, or the current,
this is new.
- This is newer, yeah.
This is within the last two months.
- You know what, fuck what the girls think.
What does Anthony prefer more?
- I think Anthony prefers what he's got going
on at the moment.
- [Jordan] Right now?
- Yeah, like I actually shower every morning
which is great.
This is--
- Wait, you're saying that you shower every morning?
- Yeah.
Top that.
- You know what's annoying?
- [Anthony] There's a lot of hair.
- Is my girlfriend, I'm sort of ragging on her,
(laughs)
and sort of my hag.
- I like how I haven't mentioned my girlfriend at all,
you're like well my girlfriend!
- Yeah, this is my show to talk about my girlfriend
and our problems so,
Gwen if you're watching this,
stop laying down on the bed with your hair wet.
(laughs)
- That's where you're gonna draw the line?
- Does your girlfriend do that?
- Ahh, mmm?
- Out of the shower, hair on the bed.
- Not so much, but that doesn't bother me so much,
'cause I'm not a little asshole.
(laughs)
(hardcore rock music)
- Okay, now for a round called using cry sticks
and saying sad lines from movies,
and seeing who does it the best.
Actors sometimes can't muster up tears themselves.
- Because they're bad, or?
- Because they're bad.
So they just like rub this under their eyes and it kind
of like pulls the tears out.
- I didn't know that you could just rub lipstick
under your eyes and it would just work like that.
- This round works a little differently.
Whoever can say their line the best,
the most emotionally well acted way, wins that.
- Okay, cool, I'm in.
- [Jordan] Sounds good.
- Let's do it, yeah, absolutely.
- [Jordan] Nice.
- [Anthony] Whoa, how'd it get my snot going?
It does it's whole thing.
- It did the snot too?
- Mhmm.
Oh my god.
- Read your line.
- Now I know I've got a heart.
Because it's breaking.
- And I still love you,
in my own fucked up way.
I miss you.
I really do.
Can we still be friends?
(laughs)
I can't open my fucking eyes.
- Yeah, me neither.
Wilbur didn't want food.
He wanted love.
- Just because we can't be together doesn't
mean I don't love you.
(laughs)
- You finally did it you maniacs!
You blew it up!
- You get nothing!
You lose!
Good day, sir!
- You don't know how it feels to be worthless
when nothing you do matters!
I feel that way every day!
- Sometimes you love people so much
you have to be numb to it
because if we actually felt how much we love them,
it would kill us.
That doesn't make you a bad person,
it just means your heart's too big.
- Smile you son of a bitch.
- Happy Christmas, Harry.
- Happy Christmas, Ron.
(hardcore rock music)
- Unfortunately, I have won Cry Battle.
- Did you?
- Yeah, I think so.
Thanks so much for coming on man,
I really appreciate it.
- Thank you man, I just want you to know you
are good enough, okay?
- (laughs) fuck you.
That's really fucks me up.
Phew, okay.
Let's do it.
- Yeah, are we supposed to leave?
'Cause I can't even I can't even open my eyes.
- I don't know,
I can't open my fucking eyes.
- Wow, well that was something.
My names Anthony Padilla.
I'll be here on Comedy Central's channel all week.
I had to pay them to do a takeover.
But that's totally cool.
If you want to see more of this disgustingly
weird stuff that we made,
make sure to click over here.
I promise you, you will not be disappointed.
And please, subscribe.
Comedy Central paid me to say that.
(relaxing music)