-Thank you very much for watching "The Tonight Show."
I appreciate it, everybody. Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, the big news today is that President Trump
has been released from Walter Reed hospital.
Here's a message from his doctor earlier today.
-He's met or exceeded all standard
hospital discharge criteria.
He'll receive another dose of Remdesivir here today,
and then we plan to get him home.
Though he may not entirely be out of the woods yet,
the team and I agree that all our evaluations,
and, most importantly, his clinical status
support the president's safe return home.
-Yep. Good news?
It's safe for the president to return home,
mostly because everyone at The White House
already has the virus.
When she heard he was coming home,
Melania immediately checked herself into Walter Reed.
But this was nice.
The staff went all out to welcome Trump home.
They even hung a bunch of balloons
that looked exactly like the coronavirus.
Yep, Trump left the hospital for two reasons.
One, he was feeling better.
Two, he didn't want to get billed for another night.
[ As Trump ] I know how these things work.
[ Normal voice ] A reporter then asked about
Trump's mental status, like if he has any neurological symptoms
or fogginess as a result of having the virus,
and here is what the doctor had to say.
-I think you have seen the videos and now the tweets,
and you'll see him shortly.
You know, he's back, yeah.
-The reporter was like, "Yeah, we did.
That's why we're asking you."
Some crazy times when you can judge the president's health
from his videos and tweets.
This afternoon, Trump broke the news on Twitter,
saying, "I'll be leaving the great Walter Reed Medical Center
today at 6:30.
Feeling really good. Don't be afraid of COVID.
Don't let it dominate your life.
I feel better than I did 20 years ago."
I'm not surprised Trump feels better than he did 20 years ago.
Back then, he was $800 million in debt.
Trump left Walter Reed today, but he actually left
the hospital for a little while over the weekend. Watch.
-The president got in his S.U.V. and went out
to wave to supporters gathered outside.
-He's there in the back seat, wearing a mask and waving.
Others in the S.U.V. with him exposed.
Health experts say the president likely still contagious.
-Yeah, according to "The New York Times,"
Trump wanted to leave the hospital,
and doctors wanted him to stay inside,
so they compromised, and Trump left the hospital.
Yeah, the Secret Service had to take Trump around
after 50 Uber XL drivers were like, "Hell no."
What is happening?
Trump even turned a hospital stay into chaos.
The Joker caused less trouble when he visited Gotham General.
You could tell the Secret Service
thought the joyride was a bad idea.
Right after, they went on eBay looking for a used Popemobile.
Well, it turns out Trump's joyride
may have even his own family thinking
he is acting irrationally.
According to sources, Don Jr. is deeply upset
by his father's decision to drive around
and thinks Trump is acting crazy.
You know things have gone off the rails when Don Jr.
becomes the voice of reason.
In response, President Trump was like,
"I'm not acting crazy,
and here's 15 all-caps tweets to prove it."
Meanwhile, on Saturday night, The White House
released some photos to show that Trump was busy working
while he was at Walter Reed.
Here is one of Trump signing a document.
Could we zoom in on that?
People are saying that he's just writing his name
on a blank piece of paper, but that's not true.
That's not true.
That's not a blank piece of paper.
That's just his entire plan to stop COVID.
It seems like a photo op, but they've really just been
handing Trump blank pages to sign for the past four years.
"This is urgent, Mr. President."
[ As Trump ] Oh, well, then I have to sign it.
[ Normal voice ] Well, some people online are calling
the announcement ceremony for Amy Coney Barrett
"The Rose Garden Massacre" after it's been identified as
the super-spreader event.
Take a look.
Yeah.
By the way, could those seats be packed together any tighter?
Even the C.E.O. of Southwest was like,
"Come on, give him a little room."
Right after that photo, Trump was like,
"Okay, now let's all get in a big pile."
Let's change gears.
I saw that Coca-Cola announced that they are discontinuing
their coconut-water brand Zico.
It's a big blow for all of those people who love pretending
that they like the taste of coconut water.
-Hey! Hey!
-Coca-Cola knew it was time to discontinue Zico
because they actually did it a year ago, and no one noticed.
And, finally, this is exciting.
A pretty famous house just got put on the market.
Watch this.
-The house that played a central role in the 1991 thriller
"Silence of the Lambs" is for sale
for the price of just under $300,000.
Fans of the movie can buy the on-screen Pennsylvania home
of the fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill.
-Man, I know people are buying a lot of houses right now,
but you've got to draw the line somewhere, right?
Yeah, Realtors say they'll be happy to give you
a tour of the front porch and nothing else.