-Hey, everybody. Welcome to "Tonight Show: At-Home Edition."
My name is Jimmy Fallon. Thank you very much.
It is Day 59 of quarantine.
59, I believe. That's the number going out there.
So almost 60.
Tomorrow's 60 days in quarantine.
I'm staying at home.
I'm wearing my mask if I do go out, which is rare.
I'm walking my dog.
My dog, Gary, was faking a limp today.
She was --
She didn't want to walk as long as I wanted.
I go, "Gary, come on.
This is a thing."
She started, like, limping.
I go, "Alright, no problem."
So, I try to walk her home really slow,
stopping all the way.
Then once we got home, running around
like nothing -- like nothing happened.
Let's get to some jokes here.
Guys, if things aren't crazy enough,
this weekend, it snowed in New York City.
We've been quarantined for so long,
most New Yorkers woke up, were like, "Holy crap!
I slept through the summer."
Yeah. What season is it?
Listen, I just saw that across the country,
as states lifted restrictions,
several mini-golf courses have reopened.
But this is a little different. You know at the end
when you have to get the ball in the clown's mouth?
The clown's now wearing a mask.
Very difficult.
Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin announced
that restrictions in Russia will be lifted tomorrow.
That's right. Putin said now that people can go back
to enjoying all the old restrictions.
Some entertainment news. I saw that there's a television series
based on the "National Treasure" movies coming to Disney Plus.
And this is strange -- the Nicolas Cage role
will be played by Joe Exotic.
Check this out. 7-Eleven has teamed up with Nike
to create a pair of 7-Eleven sneakers.
Take a look.
And this is cool -- All the sneakers
are made from the same leather as their hot dogs.
They wait for it to rotate
probably a good 100, 120 rotations.
Then they make the sneakers.
Listen to this. A rare type of sea slug called the blue dragon
has been washing up on a seashore in Texas.
Is it me, or does "blue dragon" sound like
knock-off male enhancement pills that you get at a 7-Eleven?
Right next to the sneakers.
Well, once the pandemic's over,
I read that more workplaces will go back to cubicles
and private offices instead of open-floor plans.
[ Fake crying ] That's too bad, because I'm really gonna miss
hearing everyone's hilarious ringtones.
Ah, yeah. You're a fan of Lizzo.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, you're a fan of Lizzo, too. Your ringtone's Lizzo.
I get it. [ Chuckles ]
I heard that a lot of grocery stores
are now limiting the amount of meat you can buy.
It's awkward when you try to check out with too much,
and the cashier's like, "We got a meat hog at register five.
We got a classic meat hog."
I read that some people on dating apps
are trying to get their matches to break social distancing rules
and meet up. And they're even trying out
some quarantine-themed pick-up lines, too.
I'll show you what I mean.
For example, there is, "I just tested negative for antibodies
but tested positive for your body."
There's also, "Is that a testing kit in your pocket?
Because I hope it is a testing kit in your pocket.
There's a shortage of those."
And finally, "I'm a Cuomo in the streets
and a Fauci in the sheets."
There you have it.
That's the monologue right there, everybody.
Oh, my goodness.
What a show we have for you tonight.
Multitalented guy.
We're so happy to have him on the show.
Seth MacFarlane is here.
This is his charity --
peacocktv.com/forgood.
He's doing this at-home variety series
starting tonight at 7:00 p.m. on Peacock.
Check out what he's doing. It's all for great causes.
So, we love having Seth MacFarlane on the show.
Also on the show, founder of the Momofuku restaurant group.
And he has a show, he's the host, called "Ugly Delicious."
My man David Chang is on the show tonight.
And here is his charity that he's working with tonight
to raise some money for the restaurant workers out there.
And for musical guests tonight, we have Lady Antebellum
who will be performing "Champagne Night,"
which is a song that was composed
by one of the winners of "Songland" on NBC.
You know, during these times in quarantine,
I'm looking for anything that can inspire me,
whether it be from my wife or something my kids say
or something I hear a bird chirp
or things I've seen on Instagram.
It's time for "#Blessed #Inspired."
♪♪
-And now, "#Blessed #Inspired."
-Guys, we've been holed up in this quarantine for a while now,
so we're looking for any inspirational thoughts
or quotes or visions.
And I know where to find them -- Instagram.
It's time for "#Blessed #Inspired."
Our first inspirational quote is...
"Your opinion of me doesn't define who I am.
But if my pic of my homemade sourdough doesn't get any likes,
do I even exist?"
[ Chimes ]
How about this morsel?
"Do one thing each day that scares you.
Unless it's catching a spider,
which my wife and I agreed is really more her department."
'Cause I'm not touching that thing.
[ Chuckling ] Ew.
[ Tibetan bowl chiming ]
Here's a treasure.
"There's no saint without a past,
no sinner without a future.
And there's definitely no Patriots without Tom Brady."
Oh, they ain't gonna do it this year!
No way, Tom!
Nuh-unh. Tompa Bay. Tompa Bay.
Here's a spot of light
sent through a prism of a raindrop
and refracted and "reflacted"
and reflected and refracted in fractals.
"Words can come back to haunt you,
especially if you just ate tuna salad
and you're wearing a face mask."
[ Bowl chimes softly ]
Here's a bonus chunk of granola.
"Be a voice, not an echo.
Unless you're trying to really annoy someone,
annoy someone, annoy someone."
[ Chimes ]
I see you!
See you over there!
[ Chuckles ] This is a little blessing.
"Some say that happiness is a warm puppy,
but nobody says that happiness is a room-temperature cat."
We're down to our last gentle nugget.
"Help people even when you know they can't help you back.
Then keep reminding them about that time you helped them.
They love that."
That's all we have time for
for this edition of "#Blessed #Inspired."
Thank you very much.
[ Tibetan bowl chimes ]
♪♪
Oh, that guy --
That guy has it all figured out.
That guy's found peace.
Hey, you know what? I want to check on some friends,
'cause I miss my friends.
I miss my crew over at NBC. I miss the Roots.
So I got a chance to check in with Tariq from the Roots today.
And he just seemed a little bothered, just a little irked.
Check it out. -♪ Tariq's Irk List ♪
♪ All the things that irk Tariq ♪
-Hey, Tariq! What's up, my man?! How you doing?!
-Hey, what's up? What's up, Jimmy?
-[ Laughs ] You doing good, man?
-I'm good. I'm just thinking of some stuff
that I need to add to my Irk List.
-Your Irk List?
-Yeah, you know, like, my list of things that irk me,
piss me off.
-What do you mean? What's irking you?
What's bothering you? -I mean, you know,
I'm just tired of being talked down to in my own home, Jimmy.
-People in your house are talking down to you?
-Yeah, exactly. Exactly, man.
The wife, the toddler,
the teenager, they all talk down to me.
I mean, granted, they're all taller than me, you know?
[ Both laugh ]
That's cool. I'll give you that.
-You're not that short, though.
-I'm not that short, but, you know, just a little bit.
You know, I just want to be built up a little bit, man.
You know? -What are they doing to you?
-They're too petty, man.
It's like they take all my favorite things,
and they store them just a little bit beyond my reach.
-[ Laughs ] -Right?
So, like it's to make me think I can reach it
and then, you know, I try. And then I realize I can't.
And then it's like, "Oh, you know, why don't you grow up?"
But I'm full grown.
[ Both laugh ]
It's like, I don't have, you know,
a retractable mechanical arm.
I don't have, like, a ladder,
a proper stepping stool,
or a trampoline to pick up snacks, you know?
[ Both laugh ]
-You're not Inspector Gadget.
-Yeah, what I wind up having to do
is, like, risk life and limb by climbing up on a stool.
And then I get what I need.
And then, like, to get back down, it's more of an ordeal.
I got to like, you know, come down to one knee.
You know what I'm saying?
God forbid I jump off the stool.
I mean, I could be jumping to my doom. Nah.
-This is stress he does not need.
This is stress you do not need.
-Exactly. It's too much, man. It irks me.
My 4-year-old son Tariq, you know Tariq.
-Yeah, I love him. -He can reach everything.
He can reach everything,
no matter how high we try to hide it.
-He's a cool dude.
-Last week, I found a pile of wrappers
and containers and stuff, like, hidden in the cabinet
of all sorts of stuff, man --
gummies, snack bars, Go-GURTs, random KIT KAT wrappers.
[ Both laugh ]
It was a mess.
And this is all stuff that we keep on a shelf
that's like 12 feet high. You know what I'm saying?
I'm like, how can you reach that?
-Yeah, man. -If you're that smart
and that self-sufficient,
you should be able to wipe your own butt, right?
-[ Laughs ] -I mean, you should be.
But no. No.
You know what I'm saying?
I feel like he probably can,
but he'd just rather, you know, like, call for the royal wiper,
like Prince Akeem in "Coming to America."
And then, you know -- -Why not?
-Exactly. Then here I come.
-He knows what he can do and what he can't.
-Yeah, it irks me, man. It irks me.
[ Both laugh ]
You know what else irks me?
-What?
-You know, talkative tooth brushers.
-Talkative tooth brushers?
-Yeah, it's like my wife, man.
I feel like, if it's something pressing you that much
that you have to tell me right now,
don't wait until you're brushing your teeth.
The electric toothbrush is going.
The water's going and stuff. And then, you know --
[ Mumbling indistinctly ]
-[ Laughs ]
I don't unders-- It's like you're speaking in Morse code.
I don't understand that. -That is insane.
-And then, you know, she spits out the toothpaste,
and it's like, "What time did you leave us last night?"
And I'm like, "What do you mean, what time did I leave you?
Like, I'm still -- I didn't abandon my family.
Like, I awakened, and I left the room.
I started my day. Like, what time did I leave you?"
And then, you know, when I leave the room --
Actually, she's never, like, bothered --
She's never worried about what time anything happens
unless it's my time.
Like, when it's her time, she's allergic to time.
But if it's me, it's like, "What time did you wake up?
What time did you leave? What time is the show today?
What time do you guys get done?"
Like, you know, what time? What time? What time?
But if we have to be somewhere, say, at 5:30,
we're leaving the house at 5:45.
You know what I'm saying?
[ Both laugh ]
And it's like, come on, man.
Like, she's allergic to time otherwise.
I don't know, man.
It's crazy. Crazy.
You know, I mean, like me, I'm never late for anything.
I'm always on time. And you know that.
You know that, right? I'm always on time.
I pride myself in being, you know, early even, right?
-Sometimes you're -- Sometimes you've been late for work.
-When I'm late for work, Jimmy, that's on purpose.
-Tariq, it is great catching up with you, my man.
Try to stay less irked, okay, my friend?
-[ Scoffs ] I'll try. I don't know.
-[ Laughs ]