What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million?
A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.
[laughter and applause]
It's an honor to be at a roast hosted by Shaq's dick.
Wow, Ludacris and Snoop Dogg are here.
If I was 38, I'd be freaking out right now.
You might know Ludacris from your mom's
That's What I Call Music CD.
Come on, let's hear it for Shaq, right?
[cheers and applause]
Thanks for being here and taking a break from throwing barrels
at Super Mario. [laughs]
[laughs] Please don't eat me.
Shaq has shattered eight backboards and 79 cervixes.
Snoop's son just got accepted to play division
one college football. Yeah.
So Snoop Dogg found out he has a son.
And now speaking of someone who probably doesn't know
he has a son, Justin Bieber is here.
Justin, you know, I lost my dad on 9/11,
and I always regretted growing up without a dad,
until I met your dad, Justin. Now I'm glad mine's dead.
And now for the greatest transition
in the history of comedy, two people from the movie
Soul Plane are here.
Soul Plane was the worst experience of my life
involving a plane.
There is a lot of star power up here.
These men combined have made
millions in child support payments.
[cheers and applause]
Kevin does all of his own stunts.
He climbs into his own chair. He goes up on his wife.
[cheers and applause]
You know, a lot of people don't know this.
"Shaquille" is an Arabic name for "handsome,"
and "O'Neal" is the Irish word for "just kidding."
Shaq's dick is so big, he has to use Dropbox to send a dick pic.
Jeff Ross, it's great to see you here
once a year at these roasts. How's the Uber driving going?
Chris D'Elia finally answers the question,
"What if Dane Cook had half the talent and a rich father?"
I'm excited Snoop's here.
Snoop, you look like Shaq's skeleton.
[cheers and applause]
All these rappers on stage,
and Martha Stewart has done the most jail time.
[cheers and applause]
Now, that's not fair. Justin Bieber, everybody.
[cheers and applause]
Seems like only yesterday you were discovered on YouTube.
Time flies when you're a piece of shit.
Justin, Selena Gomez had to [bleep] you.
She is literally the least lucky Selena
in all of entertainment history.
In case you didn't know, I am Shaquille O'Neal.
Shaq Diesel...
and Martha Stewart's baby daddy.
And trust me, Martha know how to work that mother[bleep],
boy, let me tell you.
Once you go Shaq, you never go back.
Ain't that right, Martha?
But I'm not the only baller here tonight.
What's up, Snoop? What it do baby?
Snoop made a reggae album.
If you're a rap fan, you may not have it.
But if you're a reggae fan,
I know you don't [bleep] have it.
Look at all these scrubs on the stage.
Chris D'Elia, Hannibal, Natasha, Pete Davidson, Jeff Ross--
I haven't seen a more disappointing lineup
since the last Lakers game.
Look at Jeff--Jeff got a body like a cafeteria lady.
Justin, as a father of six, you gotta straighten up, son.
You know, last year you were ranked
the fifth most hated person of all time.
Kim Jong-Un didn't even score that low.
And he uses your music to [bleep] torture people.
But thanks to that music,
Justin is worth over $200 million...
and in prison, four packs of Cools.
Justin got a tattoo of Jesus on his calf.
Why you gotta bring Jesus in your mess?
Baby is the most hated video online, like,
statistically if you check that shit out, okay,
and there are also ISIS videos online, okay?
That means that someone saw a video with a guy screaming,
"Death to America" and sawing someone's head off and thought,
"Nope, still not worse than Bieber featuring Luda
in a bowling alley." Thank you.
Thank you, guy half my age. [laughs]
Seriously, man, I'm proud of you.
You have it all.
You literally are a guy who has it all,
except for respect, love, friends,
good parents, and a Grammy.
I know you're all wondering why I'm here tonight.
It's because Martha Stewart changes
people's lives for the better. I believe the bedroom
is the most important room in the house,
but I don't have to tell you that, Ludacris.
You have three kids with three different women.
May I suggest pulling out sometime,
and finishing on some fine,
highly absorbent Martha Stewart bed linens?
[cheers and applause]
Let's get to the reason I'm here tonight,
which is to give Justin Bieber some tips to use
when he inevitably ends up in prison.
The first thing you'll need is a shank.
I made mine out of a pintail comb and a pack of gum.
I found Bubblicious works best, and it's so much fun to say.
You see, when I did my stretch,
all the hood rats on my cellblock
wanted to break off a piece of Martha Stewart's ass,
so I walked into the chow hall,
picked out the biggest bull [bleep], and I stuck her.
From then on, prison was easier than making blueberry scones.
[cheers and applause]
Shaq, I hope your mom doesn't still hold a grudge.
So, Justin, my final piece of advice is call me, or--
[cheers and applause] Or not. I'm out, bitch.
[cheers and applause]
Martha Stewart's here because Paula Deen refused
to sit with this many black folk.
Martha, I want to [bleep] you so bad.
I bet your pubic hair is 50 shades of gray.
Martha went to prison for dumping worthless stock
for idiot consumers to buy, which reminds me,
Ludacris' new album drops tomorrow.
But enough about Ludacris, let's talk about "food-acris,"
Shaquille O'Neal.
Shaq's dick is so big, he uses it as a selfie stick.
Snoop, you look like a retired WNBA player.
The only person that's inhaled more smoke than Snoop
is Pete Davidson's dad inside the World Trade Center.
Thanks, Pete.
Justin, I feel like the roast fans
really want blood this time, even though most of your fans
haven't even gotten their periods yet.
But if you can take a joke,
then so can the Beliebers watching tonight,
because face it, Biebs, you've become a cocky little shit.
You are the King Joffrey of pop.
[cheers and applause]
Anyway, Biebs, you have such a huge career behind you.
And as you sat here taking it like a man tonight,
you were probably thinking that none of us
know what we're talking about,
'cause you're gonna fly out of here
on a private jet full of cash and models,
and we'll all be trying to finger-bang Martha
Stewart at the afterparty.
And you know what, Biebs, you're right.
And I know you'll never end up
like Kurt Cobain or Amy Winehouse...
respected. Yeah. I don't need no warm-up.
I've been smoking and drinking. I feel real good about myself.
[cheers and applause]
Justin's life changed when Usher heard one of his songs
and liked it, which only goes to prove that Usher ain't black.
Now Justin, most niggas, like myself,
we go a little crazy when we get famous.
But, nigga, you bought a monkey.
I mean, that monkey was more embarrassed
than the one that started the AIDS epidemic.
It's amazing to have Kevin Hart and Shaq here.
Is this a roast or is this Tyler Perry's Of Mice and Men?
Shaq's a very unique player in NBA history.
He's the first player in NBA history
to have his shoe size, IQ,
and jersey all be the same number.
Shaq is a police officer in Florida.
If you want to escape from Shaq, just jog slowly away from him
'cause that's-- And he'll fall eventually.
Snoop is here. Snoop Dogg. Snoop D-O-double-G.
Snoop is like a cool-ass salamander.
Snoop, the only way you'll get another hit
is if you stand behind Suge Knight's car in a parking lot.
Chris--I don't know if you know this about Chris.
He doesn't smoke weed. He doesn't drink.
He's never done any drugs.
His only vice is performing horrible standup comedy
all around the country. It's good to see Comedy Central
diversifying its talent with whatever race Pete Davidson is.
You just look real-- You're just real vague, man.
You have a weird, vague-ass face,
and I don't like it. You seem like a nice person,
but when I talk to you, I don't have fun.
And now the man of the hour. Justin Bieber.
They say that you roast the ones you love,
but I don't like you at all, man.
I'm just here 'cause this is a real good opportunity for me.
I hate your music, man.
I hate your music more than Bill Cosby hates my comedy.
[cheers and applause]
Listen, I don't have a lot of time, all right?
I'm currently over at stage 24 hosting Spike TV's
"Your Mother's a Fat Bitch" awards show.
As far as I'm concerned, this guy is doing it right.
Here's a couple things I know. October 18th, 2010,
Bieber accused of assaulting a 12-year-old
at a laser tag arena. Kaboom!
March 4th, 2013, two hours late to a concert in Dubai
because he refused to stop playing a video game.
Say what? If anything, Justin Bieber,
not only do you need to continue to live your life
with the same reckless abandon, I suggest you turn up the heat.
Look, I'm new to comedy, but here's a joke, all right?
What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million?
A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours.
[laughter and applause]
All right, all right. I'm playing.
Kevin is so short, he calls Lil Wayne "Wayne."
I love Kevin Hart's career plan.
Do everything Martin Lawrence did, only shittier.
And, Martha, thanks for coming.
I know that's probably something you don't do much of anymore.
I'm a huge fan of Chris D'Elia.
Chris gets a ton of girls. You want to know why?
'Cause I'm a big fan of Chris D'Elia.
That's right. That's right, hey. Thank you. Luda.
Luda and I had a lot of hours making the song Baby together.
In fact, he told me it was the only baby
he ever made on purpose. Snoop Doggy
Dogg, what's up, man? He's way too shy to admit this,
but he was actually the Billboard's top male artist
the year I was born. And look at you now, Snoop.
You're one of the ten dudes at my roast
sitting right next to Martha Stewart and that Hannibal guy.
How cool is this? So cool. You made it.
I'm proud of you, man. I'm proud of you.
Thank you so much and good night.