LOTS TO TALK ABOUT IN THE NEWS, SO LET'S GET RIGHT INTO IT.
TODAY IS DAY 24 OF THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.
WHICH MEANS, IT'S THE LONGEST SHUTDOWN IN UNITED STATES
HISTORY.
OTHER THAN THE ONE WHERE HALF THE COUNTRY MENTALLY SHUTDOWN
RIGHT AFTER THE INAUGURATION.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S DIFFERENT.
BUT THIS IS AWFUL, THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT ISN'T WORKING RIGHT
NOW.
I'M NO EXPERT ON HOW THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT OPERATES, BUT
HERE'S THE THING, HAS ANYONE THOUGHT ABOUT JUST UNPLUGGING
IT, LIKE... BLOWING ON IT, AND THEN JUST PLUGGING IT BACK IN?
( LAUGHTER ) OR DOING THAT THING-- JUST
OPENING THE BACK AND ROLLING THE BATTERIES?
( LAUGHTER ) 800,000 AMERICANS ARE NOW
WORKING WITHOUT GETTING PAID.
SO, AS PROMISED, TRUMP REALLY IS RUNNING THE COUNTRY LIKE ONE OF
HIS BUSINESSES.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU'VE GOT TO GIVE HIM CREDIT.
BUT THERE ARE A FEW BRIGHT SPOTS.
TO SHOW THEIR SUPPORT FOR THE UNPAID AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS
IN THE UNITED STATES, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS IN CANADA
SENT DOWN HUNDREDS OF PIZZAS FOR THE WORKERS HERE.
ISN'T THAT NICE?
IT'S LOVELY, ISN'T IT?
( APPLAUSE ) A LOVELY GESTURE.
JUST WHEN YOU THINK CANADIANS CAN'T BE MORE CANADIAN, THEY
CANADIAN AROUND AND OUT CANADIAN THEMSELVES.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, OVER THE WEEKEND,
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" REPORTED THAT AT ONE POINT, THE F.B.I.
WAS SO CONCERNED ABOUT THE ACTIONS OF PRESIDENT TRUMP, THEY
OPENED AN INVESTIGATION INTO WHETHER HE WAS WORKING ON BEHALF
OF RUSSIA.
NOW, EVEN IF TRUMP WASN'T, IT'S NOT A GOOD SIGN THAT THE F.B.I.
DECIDED TO INVESTIGATE HIM.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE, IF A BUNCH OF RANCH
DRESSING GOES MISSING, AND THE POLICE ARE LIKE, "BETTER CHECK
OVER AT CORDEN'S PLACE..."
( LAUGHTER ) I KNOW I NEED TO MAKE LIFE
CHANGES, YOU KNOW?
AND THEN THIS MORNING, TRUMP FLAT OUT TOLD REPORTERS, "I
NEVER WORKED FOR RUSSIA."
YOU REALIZE WHAT THAT MEANS?
HE'S DOING IT FOR FREE.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S POSSIBLE HE'S A TRAITOR AND
A BAD NEGOTIATOR.
THINK ABOUT THAT, THOUGH.
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES HAD TO COME OUT AND SAY
HE DIDN'T DIRECTLY WORK FOR RUSSIA.
THEN TRUMP ADDED, "I MEAN, IT HARDLY FEELS LIKE WORK WHEN IT'S
YOUR FRIENDS."
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE HAD TO TELL YOU ABOUT
THIS, A WOMAN WAS RECENTLY BANNED FROM A TEXAS WALMART
AFTER DRIVING AN ELECTRIC SHOPPING CART AROUND THE PARKING
LOT FOR SEVERAL HOURS WHILE DRINKING WINE FROM A PRINGLES
CAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, I SHOULD ADD, IT WAS 9:00
IN THE MORNING.
IF YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW WHAT MY GOALS FOR RETIREMENT ARE,
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT.
( LAUGHTER ) SHE WAS DRINKING WINE FROM A
PRINGLES CAN.
I WILL SAY, IF YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA OF HOW TO GET THOSE CRUMBS
OUT OF THE BOTTOM OF THE CAN, I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT.
IT MAKES SENSE.
( LAUGHTER ) I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE NEVER
THOUGHT OF DRINKING WINE OUT OF A PRINGLES CAN BEFORE.
"OH, THIS PINOT GRIGIO IS ROBUST, IT'S OAKY WITH NOTES
OF... BLASTED PIZZA."
( LAUGHTER ) AND FINALLY, WE HAVE TO TELL YOU
ABOUT A NEW WORLD RECORD.
YESTERDAY, AN INSTAGRAM POST BEAT THE PREVIOUS RECORD FOR THE
MOST LIKES TO DATE, AND THIS IS COMPLETELY REAL, MORE THAN 36
MILLION PEOPLE HAVE LIKED THIS PHOTO.
TAKE A LOOK.
IT'S A-- THAT'S IT.
IT'S JUST AN EGG.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT AN ACCOMPLISHMENT.
OLDER GENERATIONS TOLD THEIR KIDS STORIES ABOUT GOING TO
WOODSTOCK, PROTESTING THE VIETNAM WAR, WATCHING THE MOON
LANDING... WE CAN TELL OUR KIDS ABOUT THE TIME WE ALL LIKED A
PICTURE OF AN EGG ON INSTAGRAM.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I'M WORRIED ALL THIS
INTERNET FAME HAS GONE TO THE EGG'S HEAD.
HERE'S A PICTURE OF THE EGG JUST THIS MORNING.