-Hello and welcome to the 77th annual "Golden Globe Awards,"
live from the Beverly Hilton Hotel
here in Los Angeles. [ Cheers and applause ]
I'm Ricky Gervais. Thank you.
You'll be pleased to know this is the last time
I'm hosting these awards, so I don't care anymore.
I'm joking. I never did.
NBC clearly don't care either -- fifth time.
I mean, Kevin Hart was fired from the Oscars
because of some offensive tweets. Hello?
Lucky for me, the Hollywood Foreign Press
can barely speak English
and they've no idea what Twitter is,
so I got offered this gig by fax.
So let's go out with a bang.
Let's have a laugh at your expense, shall we?
Remember, they're just jokes.
We're all gonna die soon,
and there's no sequel, so, yeah.
Remember that.
But you all look lovely all dolled up.
You came here in your limos.
I came here in a limo tonight
and the license plate was made by Felicity Huffman.
[ Laughter, audience groans ] No, shush.
It's her daughter I feel sorry for. Okay?
That must be the most embarrassing thing
that's ever happened to her.
And her dad was in "Wild Hogs."
So, lots of big celebrities here tonight --
I mean, legends, icons, yeah?
This table alone -- Al Pacino, Robert DeNiro...
[ Cheers and applause ]
...Baby Yoda. Oh.
Oh, that -- That's Joe Pesci, sorry.
I love you, man. Don't have me whacked.
But tonight isn't just about the people in front of the camera.
In this room are some of the most important
TV and film executives in the world,
people from every background.
But they all have one thing in common --
They're all terrified of Ronan Farrow.
He's coming for ya. He's coming for ya.
Look, talking of all you perverts,
it was a big year for pedophile movies.
"Surviving R. Kelly," "Leaving Neverland,"
"Two Popes." [ Chuckles ]
[ Laughter, audience groans ] Shut up. Shut up.
I don't care. I don't care.
Many talented people of color
were snubbed in major categories.
Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do about that.
The Hollywood Foreign press are all very, very racist.
So.... [ Laughter ]
Fifth time. So...
We were going to do an "In Memoriam" this year,
but when I saw the list of people that had died,
it wasn't diverse enough.
No.
It was mostly white people, and I thought, nah,
not on my watch. No.
Maybe next year. Let's -- Let's see what happens.
No one cares about movies anymore.
No one goes to cinema.
No one really watches network TV.
Everyone is watching Netflix.
This show should just be me coming out, going,
"Well done, Netflix. You win everything.
Good night." But no, no, we got to drag it out for three hours.
You could binge-watch the entire first season
of "After Life" instead of watching this show.
That's a show about a man who wants to kill himself
because his wife dies of cancer,
and it's still more fun than this. Okay?
Spoiler alert, season two is on the way,
so in the end, he obviously didn't kill himself.
Just like Jeffrey Epstein.
[ Scattered laughter, groaning ] Shut up.
I know he's your friend, but I don't care.
[ Laughter ]
You had to make your own way here
in your own plane, didn't ya?
Right. But seriously, most films are awful,
lazy, remakes, sequels.
I've heard a rumor that there might be a sequel
to "Sophie's Choice."
I mean, that would just be Meryl Streep going,
"Well, it's gotta be this one then."
[ Laughter ]
All the best actors have jumped to Netflix and HBO, you know?
And the actors who just do Hollywood movies now
do fantasy-adventure nonsense.
They wear masks and capes and really tight costumes.
Their job isn't acting anymore.
It's going to the gym twice a day and taking steroids, really.
Have we got an award for most ripped junky?
No. No point, we'd know who'd win that.
Martin Scorsese, the greatest living director,
made the news for his controversial comments
about the Marvel franchise.
He said they're not real cinema
and they remind him of theme parks.
I agree.
Although I don't know what he's doing
hanging around theme parks.
He's not big enough to go on the rides, is he?
He's tiny.
Right?
"The Irishman" was amazing.
It was amazing. [ Cheers and applause ]
It was. Matter of fact, it was great.
Long, but amazing.
It wasn't the only epic movie.
"Once Upon a Time... in Hollywood,"
nearly three hours long.
Leonardo DiCaprio attended the premiere,
and by the end, his date was too old for him.
[ Laughter ]
Even Prince Andrew was like, "Come on, Leo, mate, you know?
You're nearly 50-some."
The world got to see James Corden as a fat pussy.
[ Laughter, audience groans ]
He was also in the movie "Cats." But no one saw that.
And the reviews, oh, shocking.
I saw one that said,
"This is the worst thing to happen to cats since dogs."
Right?
But Dame Judi Dench defended the film
saying it was the role she was born to play
because she -- I can't do this next joke.
[ Laughter ]
Because she loves nothing better
than plunking herself down on the carpet,
lifting her leg, and licking her...
[ Laughter ]
[ Coughs ] Fur ball. Fur ball.
She's old-school.
[ Sighs ]
It's the last time. Who cares?
Ahh.
Apple roared into the TV game with "The Morning Show,"
a superb drama, yeah... [ Cheers and applause ]
...a superb drama about the importance of dignity
and doing the right thing
made by a company that runs sweatshops in China.
So, well, you say you're woke,
but the companies you work for, I mean, unbelievable --
Apple, Amazon, Disney.
If ISIS started a streaming service,
you'd call your agent, wouldn't ya?
So if you do win an award tonight,
don't use it as a platform to make a political speech.
You're in no position to lecture the public about anything.
You know nothing about the real world.
Most of you spent less time in school than Greta Thunberg.
So if you win, right,
come up, accept your little award,
thank your agent and your god, and...
So... [ Cheers and applause ]
It's already three hours long.
[ Sighs ]
Right, let's do the first award. The first award?
[ Laughter ]
The first award is for Best Actor
in a Television Series, Musical or Comedy.
To present the award are a couple of actors off the telly.
What can I say?
Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon.