[show music]
[Marc] Ladies and gentleman, welcome to The Earliest Show with Josh and Sam!
[Sam] Hi.
Oh, thank you sir.
Wow!
It's The Earliest Show. Good morning. How are you?
Why do you think she doesn't call?
When you call somebody you expect someone to give you a call back,
because if you don't then what the [bleep] is the whole point of anything?
When you are in a relationship, you give the person a call back
even to tell them if you're not interested.
Well you know, yesterday we told a really amazing story,
but we have to give a little retraction on it--
- Oh my God. - We said that a women had 12 babies--
- Couldn't have been possible. --And we were saying,
[ they try to pronounce "duodecaplets" ]
We didn't know how to say it.
So I hope that wasn't the problem. Was that the retraction?
What could it have been? How many kids did the women have?
Uh, she had a few less than what we originally thought.
- [Sam] OK. - [Josh] A few would be 3.
- So did she have 3 less? - 10.
- She had 10 less? - She had 10 less than 12.
She had twins.
- So she had a normal twins. - And we say a congratulations to that.
- [Marc] Still a miracle. - [Sam] It is still a miracle--
It's still a miracle but we made it a whole story!
- OK. - We made a whole story
that we talked about the [stammering] the duo-DiCaprio thing. Like 20 minutes.
Although, I think someone has something to shoot for.
So there's a new report out there. Marc, tell me if this is true.
It turns out, you know how they say you have to go to the dentists
every 6 months and brush and floss, keep it clean.
Turns out you just have to go once when you're a kid
and once when you're an adult.
Check the baby teeth. Check the adult teeth.
- Get it right. - Don't put a thumbs up.
You know we're going to have to retract it tomorrow!
- What? No. That one's a 100%. - So, what's going to be
the story for tomorrow? Name something. What's the hot topic?
- What are we working on right now? - Rainbows were invented.
- Rainbows were invented! - We thought this whole time
they were a figment of our imagination. They have been invented.
First of all, no. They're not a figment of your imagination either.
They exist. They're not invented though.
Tell me two people that have seen the same rainbow at the same time.
[stammering] Me and all of my friends.
Oh. Yeah. Good one.
Well, OK. I'm really excited because it's Fall
- which means it's class photo day. - I am excited for this.
I am very excited for this.
Let's bring up photos of a few people you might recognize.
Let's see Sam. Pop up Sam's. Marc pop up Sam's.
- Here comes my full photo Marc, right? - Ah, look how cute that is.
I think I'm going to give you a run for your money on my picture.
- OK. I can't wait. Show me. - Alright. Marc, put that picture on there.
Marc, do me a favor and put that picture on there.
- Marc, put his picture up. I want to see! - Marc, put the picture on.
Pop it on now!
- Awww! - There we go. It's up right now.
- Oooh. Bleh. - Fantastic.
Maybe Marc's instincts were right for once.
Um, you know what I think it's time for?
I think it's time to dance over to The Social Wall.
- We almost jinxed on that. - Marc play the music. Play the music Marc.
♪
[softly] There it is.
♪
Interesting.
Welcome to The Social Wall presented by Cap'n Crunch.
Here we go. First post.
@GrandmaFay1934 says:
I'm trying to text my son. Is this my son?
- No. You're talking to a show. - Quick answer.
No. You're talking to a show.
Next post.
@WhirlingGirlvish21-- Terrible pun. Staring off terribly.
How can I tell if a guy likes me? #EarliestShow.
- [Josh is snorting] - They flirt with you.
They love you. They take care of you.
OK. They love you. They take care of you. Come on. That's funny.
[mimicking] They love you. They take care of you.
[shouting]
- Let's move on. - Next post.
@CattitudeDude-- We got to get cooler people watching this show.
- Sounds like my kind of guy. - Yo, Sam.
My idiot cat always chews up my video game wires when I'm gone.
What lame stuff does your cat do when you're away? #EarliestShow.
Hashtag, this feels like too many characters to be able to--
- Are you making these up? - Well, let me tell you what my cat's doing.
We can cut to that right now in the Kitty-Cam and see what Nancy's up to.
So that's it, that's the whole deal?
- That's the cat? - Yeah.
- You dress it up? - She likes clothes.
She can't tell you she likes clothes.
She doesn't fight me.
Let's go to commercial. We'll be back with more The Earliest Show.
- Oh wow, very abrupt. - [show music]
♪
Ever wanted to make your own milk?
Now you can with the Dairy Stream.
Step 1: Flip the switch. Step 2: Trust the process.
Step 3: Enjoy your fresh milk flavored dairy liquid.
- [chokes up] - Order now!
[show music]
- We're back Marc? - [giggling]
Welcome back to The Earliest Show.
- [chokes up] - Uh-oh.
We've got an incredible guest for you guys.
He's on TV. He acts. People write words for him and he says them out loud.
- Give it up for Jake Johnson, New Girl. - Yeah!
♪
- [Jake] Hey, how are ya? - There he is.
Hey how are ya?
- Hiii. - Hey. What's up with him?
He's not so happy.
He's kind of upset right now. He's very angry.
I asked my girlfriend to marry me and she didn't say yes.
Do you even know what that means? You must know what that means.
Um, mine said yes. [chuckles]
So, no I don't, but I hear you man.
- You married? - I'm married. Yeah.
Yours just said yes?
That's how it goes usually.
No, that's not how it always goes, because--
By the way, I can get her back. Is that what you just asked me?
Did you ask me if I can get her back?
- No. - I can get her back.
- Uh-oh. - That's not something I can't do.
Don't talk down to me like I can't get her back. I can get her back.
- He just got here. - Well, if you asked her to marry you
and she said, "No" my guess is that you can't get her back.
That's not true. Do you like chocolate?
- No. - OK. How about now?
No. And if you keep asking I'm going to get a restraining order,
- 'cause this is stalking. - Ask me.
- Ask me if I like chocolate. - And leave me alone.
Because the reason I said no is because I don't love chocolate and I'm never gonna.
Yeah, but about this? What if you hadn't had enough chocolate?
Maybe you only had a taste of chocolate, and you haven't had the full thing.
- Maybe you only had a piece-- - Chocolate makes me sick! I like vanilla.
- Ask me if I like chocolate. - And I like strawberry.
- Maybe there's a certain type of chocolate-- - I don't love chocolate!
- What about dark chocolate?! - I don't love you, and I'm never gonna!
You may love it! You never gave it a shot!
- You know what chocolate I had before you? - What?
Was the best chocolate I ever had. And can I tell you this?
- Don't you dare! - I do like chocolate!
I just don't like yours.
And after you, I'm going to get chocolate.
- No you're not. - From him and him and him,
and her and her and her. They can pour chocolate all over me!
- Get it off your body! - Jesus!
They're hugging. They're playing. They're play-play, yeah.
Stop! Stop it! This is stupid!
I was talking about a girl. I wasn't even talking about chocolate.
I don't care that you don't like chocolate.
I want chocolate on my face just not yours.
- I don't love you. - I don't love you.
What's New Girl?
What's what?
- What's New Girl? - What's Old Girl?
- What? - Well, that's a good question.
If Zooey's the New Girl who's the Old Girl?
...who's the Old Girl?
- What? - If Zooey--
If Zoo-ey is the New Girl then what's the Old Girl?
- What's the Old Girl? - And when did--
And how old was she, and when did she pass?
...And did she pass?
Now I heard that you directed an episode of New Girl.
Was it tough bossing around your friends?
- No. - Ugh...
- Jake, thanks so much for coming out. - Thank you so much.
- It was such a pleasure to have you. - What a pleasure.
- It was a blast. - Stick around for Monumental Makeover.
♪
[Jake] There's a real funky smell coming from you lady.
[Josh] What is it? Why didn't you take a shower?
[Jake] Honestly, what is that? - [Josh] What is it?
- These are squirrel tails. - Those are squirrel tails?
[Jake] That's honestly what it is? It smells like a dead animal.
♪
It is time for one of my favorite segments:
Monumental Makeover with Janice Crawl. Whoo!
Hi, everybody. Thank you so much.
- We are so excited to have you here. - Me too.
I can't wait to show you what I did.
- Woooooow! - I'm so excited.
- Wow! - Yep.
Now I cannot wait to see who you found today to makeover. Now who is it?
Today I made over a guy named Bert Donaldson.
- Yeah, who's... - Ooooh.
- What is that? - I want to meet him.
And um, I took him on a fashion journey.
- Oh wow. - Because you should've seen him before.
- Well, let's see that. - Let's check him out.
- OK. - This is Bert before. Eww. G'ross.
- That's a normal dude. - Might throw up.
I'm going to throw up. I made this fool over.
OK. Let me guess how. Let me just throw it out there.
Did you give him like a brown leather jacket and maybe a grey button-down and a fedora,
and try to promise him that he's going to feel better and be a better person,
but in the end you're doing nothing and take all the clothes back?
Is that what it is?
[chuckling] I'm sure the makeover was much more nuanced than that.
Go on. Bring him out. Go Janice, bring him out.
Go Janice, go.
Let's bring out Bert Donaldson.
♪
Wow.
I paired him in a brown leather jacket with a grey button-up,
with skinny black jeans, and a fedora.
So what is that? That's a brown leather jacket and a fedora?
That's a brown leather jacket and a fedora.
What is that? Is that a button-down shirt?
- A button-down shirt. - Hey Bert, you know you don't
get to keep the clothes? Did she tell you that?
- Yeah, I heard that. - Don't tell him.
- He just found out. - So anyways, this is a very,
very stylish outfit for 2016.
- It's a very man on the go, you know-- - Yes!
- He's off and he's running for his very-- - Where is he going?
Is he going to an Indiana Jones movie?
- Do you have a wife or a girlfriend? - I do not.
- You will after this makeover. - Really? OK. Right now. Would you go out with him?
I know you're single. Would you go out with him right now wearing that leather jacket?
You just made him up. Would you go out with him right now?
- Yes. I-- of course I am. - Give him your number.
Janice, give him your number.
- Can you remember things? - I'll put it in my phone.
- Oh. [chuckles] He has a cellphone.
- Yeah. - Tech savvy.
- Is that surprising? - Put it-- Take it.
5-5-5, 0-1, 6, 8.
Call it and see if she's lying.
[Janice sighs]
Why isn't your phone ringing?
- It's a pizza place. - It's a pizza place?
It's the closest pizza place to my house, OK?
No. You know what? Ask her out right now.
Do you want to go out with me?
No?
- Why was that a question? - This is stupid. We're done.
Can we be done? You do it? Nailed it.
Alright guys, we'll see you later.
Good night, good morning.
Close enough. Did they break up?
- Yeah. - Uh, yeah.
- Did you tell her? - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.