[YMS] -So I saw Jurassic World Dominion and it was very, very bad: it was bad even before the movie started because someone in the theater had terrible B.O.
It might be the smelliest audience I've ever been in.
Now I have not enjoyed any of the Jurassic World films: when people were praising the first one I was kind of confused,
the second film was so hilariously bad that I kind of enjoyed it for that,
and this third film seems to be the breaking point for a lot of people.
And I think the biggest reason is because of how anticlimactic this film is: it is two and a half hours long for absolutely no reason
and the entire movie lacks any sense of build-up.
It is completely devoid of tension and excitement, the movie just dicks around for two and a half hours and then it ends...
The action scenes were boring as fuck: I was legitimately fighting off the urge to sleep with all of my might, it was a very sleepy movie.
It was a whole bunch of baby nonsense like "Oh no, the dinosaurs are chasing me, wow this is so crazy, they're still cha- this is chase scene and there's dinosaurs in it..."
Nothing interesting, or creative, or impressive, or visually stimulating...
The dialogue scenes were more entertaining than the action scenes, but mostly because everyone's acting was so bad:
Bryce Dallas Howard was the only person in this movie that actually felt like they were trying,
it sincerely felt like she was acting against a bunch of non-actors
and even her performance wasn't like amazing or anything, it was just not as bad as everyone else's...
The funniest part of the movie was actually a really bad line delivery from her,
[Clip] -We gotta get you off this plane!
-WHAT?!
[Tim and Eric clip] -WHAT?!
[Bryce] -WHAT!?
[YMS] -You sure you don't want to do another take?
[Bryce] -WHAT?!
[YMS] -Now this film is one where they try extra hard to be nostalgia baby, by bringing in actors from the original Jurassic Park film...
and yeah they're technically in the movie, I guess, but they don't feel like the same characters at all...
The characters are not written with any thought or care and the actors are clearly not taking this seriously,
this is just a paycheck movie to pretty much everyone involved.
It's also crazy just how surface level their attempts at nostalgia are: like "Hey remember Sam Neil and Laura Dern? This is like the old movies right?"
But it never feels like the old movies: there's an overabundance of CG with barely any practical effects,
the editing is absolutely atrocious, the music is awful; what qualities of the original films do they think are in this movie?
It's a bunch of Bullshit...
Even if we ignore the attempts at nostalgia, the more modern elements don't work either:
they ended the previous film with the implication of "Oh no, the dinosaurs are loose and now humans and dinosaurs will just have to co-exist together and that will be fun."
And that made me kind of excited for this movie, because it seemed like a writing cluster Fuck.
I was curious as to where they would go with the story because it seemed ridiculous...
And of course, they pussed out and didn't really do anything with it: the vast majority of the movie took place in the middle of nowhere anyway,
it felt no different than any of the other films in that sense.
There's one very boring chase scene where Chris Pratt is being chased on a motorcycle by some raptors and there's buildings...
Like, whoa crazy he has to dodge buildings instead of trees this time...😒
But I want to see some actual impact on society, not just a change of background...
They kind of just glossed over it at the beginning of the movie...
They made a really, really shitty imitation of an internet media company known as "Now This."
You see the logo in the corner and there's a reporter being like, "Yeah these dinosaurs are living among us now.
"Wow that's so crazy, by the way we're no longer doing a bunch of text on top of viral amateur shot videos.
"no we've got professional cameras and sound and an orchestral soundtrack and we're doing this in widescreen.
"We don't talk about police violence anymore we just talk about dinosaurs existing."
They made absolutely zero effort to make this look like an authentic internet video.
There's absolutely zero reason why this opening segment should be from Now This...
It is nothing like any of the content they have ever made!
Oh, it turns out Now This is owned by Vox Media, which is owned by Comcast, which owns NBC Universal, which owns Universal Pictures, which owns Jurassic World...
So they're just advertising other things that they make money off of, cool...
*Stupid voice* -Is now this officially a part of the Jurassic World cinematic universe? Whoa!
One of the reasons I saw this movie, is that the director Colin Trevorrow said that the new dinosaur in this film,
the Giga, short for a Gigantosaurus which is real,
Uh... it's like the Joker, he says...
Uh... he pro- promoted the film... talking about how the DINOSAUR would be like the JOKER!
HE SAID THAT THE DINOSAUR, IS LIKE THE JOKER!
WHAT IN SWEET FUCK?!
[Clip] -Giga cringe...
[YMS] -And uh... yeah, I watched the movie and the dinosaur didn't really do anything...
It was big! Whoa!
*laughs* It was such a big dinosaur...
There's a total of ZERO people that would have drawn the connection to Joker just by watching the film:
it's no different than the other dinosaurs trying to kill them!
Yeah Colin, I really got the impression watching the film, that the giga wanted to "watch the world burn."
What about those flying ones that just attack their plane for no reason?!
Seems like they also want to watch the world burn, Colin!
This is so stupid...
Oh yeah, I almost forgot, the little girl named Maisie in this film, sounds like she's doing a fake British accent the entire movie;
which is weird because she's actually British and she doesn't sound like that in interviews...
So, maybe they told her to exaggerate the British sounds as much as possible...?
I don't know...
It's really weird... I have no idea what that was about...
As I mentioned before, this film is shockingly anticlimactic.
But I didn't mention exactly how stupid the ending felt...
Basically, the movie tries to end on kind of a heartwarming note,
but they also realize that they've written themselves into a corner with humans and dinosaurs coexisting,
so they play some cheesy ass music and show a compilation of the dinosaurs and regular animals, all just hanging out!
*stupid voice* -Oh the flying dinosaurs are friends with the birds now they- birds, their wing buddies!
*drunk voice* and the herbis avoir dinosaurs, they have uh... herbivore friends now, the horses and elephants are just... HANGIN' OUT, with the dinos...
*Back to normal voice* Like, current existing species of herbivores, don't just all hang out with each other, because they're herbivores, you know that right?
Co-existing can mean just not attacking each other; but they're all best buddies now...
And I might be wrong, because this movie was putting me to sleep, but this had nothing to do with anything the main characters did, right?
Like, this weird resolution of "Oh, the dinosaurs are cool buddies with everybody now..." Like... did... anybody do anything to make that happen??
I genuinely don't remember, it could have been an important plot point but, I... I don't remember...
Oh yeah, Chris Pratt was barely in the movie; that's a weird one, especially when your movie is two and a half hours long!
He didn't really do anything... there was way too much nonsense going on, they tried to fit in way too many characters and they'd had to give everyone something to do so everything was just really convoluted...
It was a narrative mess, it was a visual mess and it was a nasal mess, because the theater was stinky... It was a big doo doo.
It might be one of the least exciting movies ever made, out of films that try to be exciting:
I spent less time thinking about the characters and more time thinking about just how many people were working on set.
You're all coming together, dedicating your hard work, your time and effort, into making a big pointless piece of shit...?
It's kind of fascinating when you think about it...
Anyway, this movie was very bad, it was not as funny as the previous one.
Do not watch it.
And I'm giving this one a two out of ten.
Thank you.
Another dinosaur thing I saw was Prehistoric Planet on Apple TV plus.
And one of the reasons I decided to check this out, is because the showrunner is...
JOHN?!?!?!
Mr. Favreau decided to use computer-generated models to make something that looks like a nature documentary,
except this time the project actually makes sense:
it's in a documentary format, David Attenborough is narrating, the dinosaurs do not start talking and singing in a narrative inspired by Hamlet...
It's like this is what he wanted to make the whole time, but for some reason he made the Lion King 2019 first...
This is a five episode long series with each of them being directed by people who worked on the visual effects for the Lion King 2019.
A lot of the same choices and techniques from the Lion King 2019 were used on this series, and it works!
*sarcastic* Who would have thought that making a documentary works best for documentaries!
Wow that's so crazy!
The visuals in this series are pretty great: many of these shots feature computer animated models in live action environments
and that really helps to create an immersive visual experience.
I particularly love things like these night vision shots,
where they alter the condition under which these images are shown and it does a fantastic job at making these computer-generated models feel real.
Filming techniques like these help to keep the show interesting and engaging.
The music was also very well done: it is not quite as great as the music from Planet Earth 1 and 2 from the BBC Symphony Orchestra,
but it is miles above the music featured in many Netflix-produced David Attenborough documentaries.
My biggest criticism with the show is that it is wildly speculative: there are a lot of guesses made in this show and they are certainly educated guesses.
I searched through the supplementary material and even long twitter threads from the show's consultants
and a lot of things that they show are simply just not ever addressed...
And yeah, I completely understand that without this level of speculation, there wouldn't really be as much of a narrative aspect to the show,
but I wish they did a better job at attempting to explain or rationalize why they perceived certain things the way they did.
On the BBC Planet Earth series, they dedicated a good 10 minutes at the end of each episode to explain how they got certain shots
and the making of the episode. I feel like something like that would have been appropriate for this show,
because even though they have supplementary material for the show, I found myself starved for a more thorough and detailed discussion.
Anyway this show isn't perfect but I really enjoyed it for what it was: it was pretty entertaining and there was a lot to appreciate.
So yeah, check this one out whenever you want,
uh...
THANKS JOHHHHHN!
and I'm giving this one, a seven out of ten, thank you.
[Adum] -What the fuck is going on🤣
-Ah he's so quick! He's got lightning fast free-
[Friend] -Oh my god...
[Adum] -How do you do... 🤣 *laughs hysterically*