WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL, IN HERE, OUT THERE, ALL AROUND THE
WORLD, TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
PLEASE.
THANK YOU, PADRE.
FOLKS, I GOTTA SAY, I FEEL YOUNG TODAY.
AS I DO EVERY DAY, BECAUSE I WEAR MAKEUP.
BUT EVEN MORE SO BECAUSE, EARLIER TODAY,
PRESIDENT BIDEN WELCOMED A SPECIAL GUEST TO THE WHITE
HOUSE: FORMER PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, WHO GOT A STANDING
OVATION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WISH I KNEW WHAT THAT FELT LIKE.
THEN, HOPEFULLY, THEY LOCKED THE DOORS TO KEEP HIM IN.
HE CAN COME OUT AFTER THE MIDTERMS.
THIS IS A PRETTY BIG MOMENT, ACTUALLY, BECAUSE OBAMA
WAS BACK IN THE WHITE HOUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FIVE YEARS.
HE WAS THERE TO PROMOTE OBAMACARE AND GET THAT PACK OF
SMOKES HE FORGOT IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM.
( WHISPERING ) DON'T TELL MICHELLE.
OBAMA OPENED HIS SPEECH MEMORABLY:
>> VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN-- VICE PRESIDENT--
( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: IT'S FUNNY, I'M NOT SURE IF I BUY THAT WAS A JOKE.
I THINK HE WENT UP THERE, AND THE FIRST THING HE SAID WAS A
GAFFE.
HE AND BIDEN HAVE MORE IN COMMON THAN WE THOUGHT.
OBAMA EXPLAINED THAT THIS WAS AN UNUSUAL DAY FOR HIM:
>> COMING BACK, EVEN IF I HAVE TO WEAR A TIE, WHICH I VERY
RARELY DO THESE DAYS.
>> Stephen: YES, FROM WHAT I'VE SEEN OF YOUR RETIREMENT,
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU RARELY WEAR A TIE, OR A SHIRT.
( LAUGHTER )
HE THEN LOOKED BACK AT WHAT IT TOOK TO GET THE AFFORDABLE CARE
ACT GOING.
>> REPUBLICANS TRIED TO REPEAL WHAT WE HAD DONE.
THEY TRIED EXPLICITLY TO MAKE IT HARDER FOR PEOPLE TO
SIGN UP FOR COVERAGE.
AND LET'S FACE IT, IT DIDN'T HELP THAT WHEN WE FIRST ROLLED
OUT THE A.C.A., THE WEBSITE DIDN'T WORK.
( LAUGHTER )
MOMENTS.
( LAUGHING ) >> Stephen: REMEMBER WHEN
AMERICA'S BIGGEST PROBLEM WAS THERE WAS A WEBSITE THAT TOOK A
WHILE TO LOAD, BUT THEN WHEN IT DID, YOU GOT HEALTH CARE?
( LAUGHS )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( LAUGHTER )
TURN TO REMINISCE.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, WELCOME BACK TO THE WHITE HOUSE, MAN.
FEELS LIKE THE GOOD OLD DAYS.
( APPLAUSE )
SO MANY GOOD MEMORIES.
WE JUST HAD LUNCH TOGETHER, AND WE WEREN'T SURE WHO WAS SUPPOSED
TO SIT WHERE.
>> Stephen: HE'S JOKING, OBVIOUSLY, BUT IT STILL MUST BE
NICE THAT BIDEN NO LONGER HAS TO SIT AT THE VICE PRESIDENT'S
TABLE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SUPPOSEDLY-- SUPPOSEDLY-- WORD WAS OBAMA WAS THERE TO CELEBRATE
PRESIDENT BIDEN'S SIGNING AN EXECUTIVE ORDER
TO EXPAND COVERAGE UNDER THE AFFORDABLE CARE ACT.
BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SPECULATING THAT OBAMA REALLY
WAS THERE BECAUSE BIDEN IS FALLING IN THE POLLS AND
DEMOCRATS ARE LOOKING FOR A SPARK.
I UNDERSTAND THAT THEORY, BUT ISN'T THAT LIKE YOU TRYING TO
GET THE SPARK GOING WITH YOUR WIFE BY INVITING HER SEXY OLD
BOYFRIEND THAT BROKE UP WITH HER AT YOUR ANNIVERSARY DINNER?
"LOOK WHO'S HERE, HONEY.
LOOK WHO'S HERE.
LOOK WHO I INVADED.
IT'S--
COME ON.
IT'S BRAD!
YOU LIKED HIM.
I KNOW YOU LIKED HIM, BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU EVEN YELL HIS NAME
OUT AT SURPRISING MOMENTS.
IS THIS GETTING YOU GOING?
SING SOME AL GREEN, BRAD.
HE PADDLEBOARDS!" HEY, SPEAKING OF WASHINGTON, DO
YOU GUYS REMEMBER THE SUPREME COURT?
TURNS OUT, KETANJI BROWN JACKSON IS ON A CLEAR TRACK TO BE
CONFIRMED LATER THIS WEEK AS THE SUPREME COURT'S 116th JUSTICE
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BLACK WOMAN.
THAT IS FANTASTIC!
BUT I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE'S OUT OF COMMITTEE ALREADY.
WE NEVER EVEN FOUND OUT IF SHE LIKES BEER!
( LAUGHTER )
WOULD BE CONFIRMED WHEN SHE GOT PUBLIC ENDORSEMENTS FROM
REPUBLICAN SENATORS SUSAN COLLINS, MITT ROMNEY, AND
LISA MURKOWSKI.
AAAAAAND I'M BEING TOLD ALL THREE OF THEM HAVE NOW BEEN
CENSURED BY THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, AND MURKOWSKI IS BEING
PRIMARIED IN ALASKA BY THE QANON POLAR BEAR.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ANOTHER-- KIND OF SILLY TO SEE A BEAR-- A BEAR WITH A FUR HAT ON.
KIND OF WEIRD TO SEE A BEAR WITH A HAT ON.
ANOTHER REPUBLICAN WHO HAS FLIRTED WITH THE IDEA OF BEING
REASONABLE IS MISSOURI SENATOR AND OFF-DUTY JOKER, ROY
BLUNT.
ON THIS WEEK'S "THIS WEEK," BLUNT SAID THIS ABOUT JUDGE
JACKSON: >> SHE'S CERTAINLY QUALIFIED,
SHE'S GOT A GREAT PERSONALITY, I THINK WILL BE A GOOD COLLEAGUE
ON THE COURT.
>> Stephen: OH, GREAT, SO SHE'S GOT YOUR SUPPORT.
>> I WON'T BE SUPPORTING HER.
>> Stephen: WHAT?
YOU JUST SAID SHE'S CERTAINLY QUALIFIED.
I'D HATE TO SEE HIS GUY'S YELP REVIEWS:
"GREAT FOOD, IMPECCABLE SERVICE, WONDERFUL ATMOSPHERE.
BURN IT TO THE GROUND."
( APPLAUSE )
BIPARTISANSHIP BY TRYING TO HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.
>> SHE'S CERTAINLY GOING TO BE CONFIRMED.
I THINK IT WILL BE A HIGH POINT FOR THE COUNTRY TO SEE HER GO ON
THE COURT AND TAKE HER UNIQUE PERSPECTIVE TO THE COURT.
I WON'T BE SUPPORTING HER, BUT I'LL BE JOINING OTHERS IN
UNDERSTANDING THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS MOMENT.
>> Stephen: NO!
NO, NO!
YOU DON'T GET TO SAY YOU UNDERSTAND ANYTHING IF YOU'RE
ACTIVELY FIGHTING AGAINST THAT THING.
THERE IS A REASON-- THERE IS A REASON--
( APPLAUSE )
ENDGAME" DIDN'T LOOK LIKE THIS: >> I UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE
OF THIS MOMEEEENT!
IRON MAN WAS RIGHT THE WHOLE TIME!
BYEEEE" >> Stephen: WHILE SOME
REPUBLICANS HAVE BROKEN RANKS TO SUPPORT SOON-TO-BE-JUSTICE
JACKSON, THEY ARE FULLY UNITED AGAINST WHAT THEY SAY IS THE
REAL THREAT TO AMERICA: CARTOON RODENTS MAKING YOUR CHILDREN
GAY.
YOU SEE, DISNEY SPOKE OUT AGAINST FLORIDA'S STUPID AND
HATEFUL "DON'T SAY GAY" BILL, SO SO NOW--
( APPLAUSE )
IN RESPONSE FLORIDA REPUBLICANS HAVE PUT DISNEY IN THEIR SIGHTS,
LIKE IT WAS BAMBI'S MOM.
I KNOW, IT'S SAD, ISN'T IT?
DID YOU NOT KNOW WHAT HAPPENED IN THAT MOVIE?
SPOILER.
THIS WEEKEND, THE DISNEY CORPORATION GOT A THREAT FROM
FLORIDA G.O.P. LAWMAKER AND STANDUP, SAYING, "THIS GUY KNOWS
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT" TO A GUY WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHAT HE'S
TALKING ABOUT, ANTHONY SABITINI.
SABITINI WARNED DISNEY THAT, THANKS TO THEIR OPPOSITION TO
THE "DON'T SAY GAY" BILL, THEY SHOULD GET READY TO EXPERIENCE
"LIVING HELL."
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS THE LINE FOR "BELLE'S CASTLE."
AND EVEN ONCE YOU'RE IN THERE, YOU GOTTA SIT IN THE LIBRARY FOR
20 MINUTES BEFORE YOU CAN TAKE A PICTURE WITH HER!
THEY SAID, "BE OUR GUEST!" THAT TALKING CANDLE IS A LIAR!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE CUP'S NAME IS CHIP.
SABITINI HAS A SPECIFIC TYPE OF HELL IN MIND.
HE WANTS TO TAKE AWAY DISNEY'S SPECIAL TAX PRIVILEGES, AS WELL
AS THE COMPANY'S ABILITY TO ACT WITH THE SAME AUTHORITY AND
RESPONSIBILITY AS A COUNTY GOVERNMENT.
NOW WAIT A SECOND.
DISNEY HAS TO HAVE THE SAME AUTHORITY AS A GOVERNMENT.
HOW ELSE CAN THEY ARREST AND JAIL THE LITTLE-KNOWN EIGHTH
DWARF, STABBY.
( LAUGHTER )
YOU KNOW THERE'S A STABY.
THERE'S A STABY.
THERE'S A METHY.
THERE'S AN ARSONY.
( APPLAUSE )
THREATENING TO PUNISH DISNEY FOR SUPPORTING L.G.B.T.Q. RIGHTS.
REPUBLICANS SAY THEY'RE AGAINST CANCEL CULTURE, BUT NOW THEY'RE
TRYING TO CANCEL WHAT THEY CALL A "WOKE" COMPANY, WHOSE CORE
MESSAGE, I WILL REMIND YOU, IS "IT'S OKAY TO KISS WOMEN WHILE
THEY'RE IN A DRUG-INDUCED STUPOR."
( APPLAUSE )
IT'S FINE!
SHOW IT TO THE KIDS!
LET THE KIDS WATCH!
IF THE FLORIDA WAR ON DISNEY HAS REACHED ALL THE WAY UP TO
CONGRESS-- IT HAS REACHED UP THERE, NOT "IF.
THE.
IT HAS.
WITH MATT GAETZ TWEETING: "THINGS THAT SCARE
DISNEY: MUNICIPAL DISSOLUTIO
ANOTHER THING THAT SCARES DISNEY?
MATT GAETZ WITHIN 50 YARDS OF THE TEACUP RIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SPEAKING-- SPEAKING OF FIGHTING BEHEMOTH
CORPORATIONS, AMAZON.
THIS PAST FRIDAY, AMAZON WORKERS IN NEW YORK CITY VOTED TO FORM
THE FIRST U.S. UNION.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THIS IS GREAT NEWS.
THAT IS FANTASTIC.
AND AMAZON IS NOW GOING ALL OUT TO MAKE SURE IT DOESN'T HAPPEN
AGAIN.
LEAKED DOCUMENTS SHOW THEY'RE PLANNING A NEW MESSAGING APP FOR
THEIR EMPLOYEES WHICH WOULD BAN WORDS THAT PERTAIN TO ORGANIZING
A UNION, INCLUDING "UNFAIR, INJUSTICE, ETHICS, DIVERSITY,
FAIRNESS, PAY RAISE," AND PHRASES LIKE "THIS IS DUMB" OR
"THIS IS CONCERNING."
BUT IF YOU CAN'T SAY "THIS IS DUMB," HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO
DESCRIBE THIS HAT?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE APP-- IT PA-CHEW!
THE APP ESSENTIALLY CENSORS ANYTHING THAT'S CONTROVERSIAL AT
AMAZON, INCLUDING THE WORD "RESTROOM."
WHICH, YOU KNOW, MAY NOT BE MISSED.
MANY AMAZON WORKERS ARE MORE FAMILIAR WITH THE PHRASES,
"EMPTY POWERADE BOTTLE" AND "ON BEZOS'S GRAVE."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IF THIS APP-- PA-CHEW-CHEW.
IF THIS APP DOES LAUNCH, IT WOULD BE HARD FOR AMAZON
EMPLOYEES TO OPENLY CRITICIZE THEIR CONDITIONS.
BUT AS A SOUTH CAROLINIAN, I'VE GOT A WORKAROUND: IT'S CALLED
BEING SOUTHERN.
MEET ME OVER AT THE "SOUTHERN HOSPITALITY" CAM.
AMAZON, AMAZON, YOU'RE TRYING TO KEEP WORKERS FROM TALKING TO
EACH OTHER ABOUT THINGS LIKE RESTROOMS, ETHICS, AND PAY
RAISES?
WELL, BLESS YOUR HEART.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S-- IT'S NOT-- NO, NO.
IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT YOU WEREN'T RAISED RIGHT.
WHAT YOU'RE DOING ISN'T WRONG.
IT'S JUST SO UNIQUE.
AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE SIZE OF YOUR SPACESHIP.
SOME PEOPLE LIKE SMALL ROCKETS.
OKAY?
HEY, I'LL PRAY FOR YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS IS OSCAR ISAAC.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, MR. JON BATISTE WILL TELL US ALL ABOUT
THE GRAMMIES.