Your Honor, the defense has tried to claim
that their unloading of Qualstarr stock the week before its value plummeted
was sheer coincidence,
a very lucrative coincidence.
This text message exchange will prove
that they knowingly engaged in insider trading.
Miss Hubbell, do you recognize these text messages?
-Yes. -And they're between whom?
Myself and Vincent Alan.
Vincent Alan, your co-defendant and colleague at Nortrip?
Yes.
I will now read from these text messages dated April 12th of this year.
Bri: "Did you talk to Dan at Qualstarr?"
Vincent: "He said they're laying off 300 people next week."
Bri: "We need to unload our shares before then."
Vincent: "I'm on it."
Bri: "Be discreet."
Vincent: "Of course."
Bri: "Oh, my God. Did you see Brian's hat?"
Vincent: "Oh, fuck. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
What the hell?
Bri: "He looks so fucking stupid. I can't breathe."
Vincent: "What the hell even is it?"
Bri: "It's a fedora with safari flaps in the back."
Vincent: "Holy shit!"
"He looks so fucking stupid."
-No. -"Talk later."
"I'll take care of that thing."
Hmm.
Sounds like more than a coincidence to me.
Miss Hubbell, do you recognize these texts?
I do.
Vincent: "It's done. I talked to Dan. We're good."
Bri: "Loose ends?"
Vincent: "We're all good, about to be way better."
Bri: Smiley face emoji.
Vincent: "Did you see Brian's hat?"
-"He's still fucking wearing it." -What the hell?
Bri: "Yes, I even saw two cubes in his pocket."
"I think he has dice, but he's afraid to show them to anyone."
The hell's she even talking about?
Vincent: "L-O-L. That is so sad."
Bri: "So sad. So sad."
"So, so, so, so, so sad."
Vincent: "It's so heartbreaking, but I can't stop laughing."
"Tears are literally streaming down my face thinking about his dumb dice."
Leave it the fuck alone.
Bri: "Just wired the money."
Vincent: "Holy fucking shit!"
"Brian's hat just got him in huge trouble in a meeting."
God damn it!
"Mr. Andrews made Brian take off his hat."
"He said it was distracting."
"He said if anyone disagreed, he'd let Brian keep the hat on."
"Nobody said shit, dude, nobody said shit."
Bri: "What did he do when Mr. Andrews made him take it off?"
Vincent: "He took the hat off and he hid his head in his hands."
"You could tell he was crying."
"He kept saying under his breath, 'You can't fucking do that.'"
"Then Mr. Andrews said, 'What's that, Brian?'"
"And he said, 'Nothing.'"
"And then a minute later, he said, 'It's not a distraction.'"
"'The guy at the store said I'm the only guy he's ever seen pull it off.'"
"Mr. Andrews asked him how much it cost,
and he said, 'It's illegal for you to ask me that.'"
"And Brian said, 'I'm putting the hat back on,
I don't care what happens to me.'"
"Mr. Andrews said, 'Just take the hat off, Brian.'"
"'No, I'm not taking the fucking hat off.'"
"Then he stood up and said, 'I've never fought for anything in my entire life.'"
"'I'm fighting for this hat.'"
"He went to slam his hand down on the table,
but he hit his water bottle and it spilled all over his laptop."
"And then I swear to fucking God, he tried to roll the hat down his arm
like Fred Astaire,
but the backflap got trapped around Rick's wheelchair,
and then it took him forever to get the flap out of the wheelchair."
"He was fucking beet red."
"I thought he was going to have a heart attack."
"One of the flaps got wheel grease on it,
and he said, 'What the fuck is all this stuff?'"
"'You have to grease these wheels?'"
"And Rick said, 'Yeah, you have to keep the wheels lubricated.'"
"And he said, 'Yeah, well, I'm not supposed to get grease on this hat.'"
"And Brenda was just sitting there slightly in his way towards the door,
and as he walked towards her, he said, 'Move,'
and right when he said it, he realized he had gone too far."
"So, he said in a jokey voice, 'Who said that?'"
Don't do the voice.
Objection, relevance.
Finally.
"Dollar sign emoji."
Quit fucking with them.