Dang it!
Man.
Impressive, you upgraded your armor.
I made some adjustments of my own
Wow. Are you kidding me with that take off speed?
Umm. Takes a while,
but I'll catch you
Are you sure about that? I mean, have even you flown in that thing before?
Not exactly,
but I assure you it's more advanced in every way
Oh well, you say if it's more advanced, then by all means, I guess I'll just surrender right-
TANK MISSILE
Careful, man! There's a brand new suit here.
(BOOM)
So you just killed him?
Yeah, I mean it was either that or have Pepper do it for me
So I just decided to take all the credit.
That's sort of arrogant AND thoughtful.
But still, you just killed him off.
That's pretty dark. I mean you knew the guy almost your whole life.
He tried to kill me, twice.
And haven't you learned yet, that if you put your super-villain in prison,
They just vow revenge and break out again.
Yeah, that- that never happens.
So, after you killed him, what happened?
Well, after that, I had a press conference
And told the world I'm Iron Man.
B&S- What?!
Dude!
You can't give away your secret identity.
Why not? Because I did, and I'm awesome.
So,
In your face.
You just can't! I mean, you're not supposed to.
Eh, I like the attention.
You mean to tell me you've never revealed your secret identity before?
Uh, no.
Ha! Try every girl you've ever dated.
What?!
"Oh, I'm Bruce Wayne and I like you.
"Let me tell you my big secret."
Oh, you're one to talk. Mr. Mind-Eraser.
Oh, don't even.
I will, freeze breathe your face off.
No you won't.
You're right, I won't. I love this guy.
Up top.
*slap*
But you knew I could've hi -fived you into the ground just now, right?
Guys, guys, it's not a contest.
Because I think we all know who would win if it were.
Me.
Oh, please. Oh, whatever!
I'm Batman.
Let's arm wrestle, right now.
I must go back to Asgard but I give you my word,
I will return for you.
Deal?
(kissing)
Deal.
Wow.
Thor, we must go.
Yeah, yeah. I know.
I just- um.
*majestic music*
I think I may not want to leave now.
What?!
Well I got my hammer back, I got a hot girlfriend,
Things are looking very well for me.
B-But, What about-
*majestic music intensifies*
Oh yeah, I'm gonna stay. Good luck to you, old friends!
So you just abandoned everything?
Of course! Wouldn't you?
No!
Yes.
Dude.
What can I say, chicks are my kryptonite.
Yeah, I'd probably leave it all behind too.
Yup.
But still, what about your brother?
I mean, wouldn't he destroy that Ice Realm?
Meh. If he does, I'm sure my father will take care of it when he wakes.
BLEH EUH- Odin sleep.
I've done it father! I destroyed all of Jotunheim when you were sleeping.
And that is why YOU are also banished!
What?
I take from you, your power!
AND I CAST YOU OUT!
Son of a-
ICE GIANT!
Your dad is sort of extreme.
Well I suppose he's a little strict but everything he does, he does for a reason.
Like stealing a baby?
And then raising that baby as your brother?
And making him believe that he could be king?
So then he goes crazy with jealousy and becomes your life-long enemy?
Yeah, way to go, dad.
Yes, well, that may be true.
...but at least I have a father.
Ooh ho ho! Burn!
So are we just gonna do this every time a superhero comes along?
Probably.
Feels like we always do.
Not always!
HULK SAD!
(crying)
Ah, he'll be fine. He just gets really moody.
Mr. Stark?
Nope,nope,nope you see nothing.
He's uh- not ready yet.
Just uh- few more seconds and... Ah! There we go!
SUPERHERO STEROIDS!
The plane's headed to bomb New York if I don't force it down now
a lot of people are gonna die.
I gotta put her in the water.
Please, don't do this. We have time.
We can work it out. Just turn the plane around.
I wish I could but there's just no time. It's just not in the cards, you know?
What do you mean? Do you not have control of the plane?
No, I've got control.
Are the bombs set to explode on a timer? Can you not disarm them?
I actually got rid of most of them already. They're not even bombs, really, more like these
Tiny little airplanes with ejector seats and everything. I even flew one!
Then why can't you pilot one of the bombs back here before the plane crashes?
That sure sounds nice. It's just too late.
You turn that plane around right now!
Can't do it
You are being absurd!!
I'm gonna need a rain-check on that dance, Peggy.
You're not even gonna look for a parachute?! Something, just right on the ground?
I really wanted to take you dancing.
I'm really starting to doubt your interest in this relationship.
Oh I'm so alone up here,
With no options of survival, it's so heartbreaking,
The plane's going down!!!
You know what? Fine. Crash your stupid plane,
freeze to death if that's what you want.
See if I care!
It's so sad, I don't want to freeze to death!
Thanks for the muscles, but it's too late now!
Aaaahhhhh! (crash)
When Captain America throws his mighty shield...
All those who choose to oppose his shield must yield!
Unless you're a plane, or a bomb, or some ice.
Then he'll choose to take a nap because the ice seems nice!
When Captain America throws his mighty shield!!!
(laughs)
Haha, guys. You're hilarious.
"Hey, I'm Captain America, I can sock old Hitler on the jaw."
"Yeah, just makes sure someone else pilots the plane to get me there, right?"
(laughs)
You remember Hitler, right?
That other guy you were fighting, before you froze yourself?
Hey, I had no choice, ok?
Haha, don't crash the plane in warmer waters!
I wanna swim when I'm chasing submarines.
(laughs again)
Oh, like you two could've done it any better.
Are you kidding?
Dude, I catch falling planes mid-air like, every other week.
And I'm Batman.
Ok, ok, fair enough.
But wait, (gasps)! Shh, shh,
Do you guys hear that?
Hear what?
Is that the Justice League calling?
I don't hear anything...
Yeah. Me either.
Exactly.
Hoho! Captain America burn!!
Easy there, major.
Okay, when he gets here I'll do my hands like this and you do your hands the same.
And on the count of three, we catch him with a fence of fire.
Or we could just burn him! Isn't that the purpose of having flamethrower arms?
Ow, Shizah!
Fence of fire! Fence of fire!
Haha! Take that, Hydra Nazis!
(coughing)
Are we done here?
Hello.
You're still here?
Yes.
Why didn't you run away while we settled our differences?
I'll never tell! Muahahahaha...
Hmmhahaha,muahahahahahaa!
Okay, we're not taking him back to base. He is DEFINITELY up to something!
Ha ha! Shield!
Gentlemen, right this way.
(unintelligible)
Hulk: (roars) Thor: Here comes the hammer!
Pew! Pew! Pew!
Captain Ball!
From whence it came!
Say what again! I dare you! I double dare you!
(yells)
Puny god, puny god, puny god!
TANK MISSILE!
(explosion)
Hey, you guys ever had shawarma?
This place serves food?!
Yeah. You never had shawarma either?
Shawarma!
Um, why do I have to sit on Hulk's lap?
Mm. Another!
Hey, I'm Batman.
You wanna know my secret identity?
...Why?
(coughs) So, you guys had quite a weekend.
Heh, that's an understatement.
First you guys were against each other, then your buddy got killed,
So you're suddenly friends,
(ptoo) Someone died?!
Uh, yeah. Um, you kinda missed out on that part.
But luckily, you still wanted to be friends later.
Ohh..
Yeah, right after you fell out of the sky and conveniently learned how to control your rage.
And did you steal a motorcycle?
Um, details not important.
Details like Odin being able to send Thor back to Earth?
What?
Or the professor conveniently making a way to close the portal?
That worked out well for you guys.
Or the Chitauri all dying "Phantom Menace" style after the nuke?
Yup.
One convenient thing after another.
Hmm, kind of like your utility belt.
Avengers: Haha!
Burn.
You know what I think?
I think you two are just jealous that we knocked it out of the park.
(Avengers agreeing and cheering)
Sorry, guys.
I'm not jealous.
I'm Batman.
I guess I'd be jealous if I wasn't like,
all of you combined.
If I couldn't fly or shoot lasers or catch missiles, see really far,
(money rustling) smash through buildings and wear red and blue...
What's that? You're fading out.
O-Oh! We've broken too many records!
We can't hear you through all this Box Office money!
(Avengers laughing)
(Batman sighs)
Hulk: Shawarma
Natasha? Do I have a mark on my face?
It really hurts.
Right here....not here...
or here, so much....but right here.
Nope. Ship shape.
Hey guys, time to suit up.
OH MY GOSH! What happened to your face?!
I knew it!
Okay Jarvis, I gave my home address to an international terrorist
and challenged him to a fight.
I want you to cancel all detective work rendering projects
and focus ALL of our resources on defending my house from attack, all right?
Very well sir.
Shall I engage "House Party" protocol now, then?
Sure, why not?
(humming)
TANK MISSILES!
So who's bullying you?
How'd you know I get picked on at school?
Because you hang out with middle-aged guys in garages.
Oh.
Here kid, have a weaponized flare to use on a bully or whatever
Is this legal?
(gasps)YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT!
UUUAAAAHHAAAOOO
You realize this is the exact premise of the Pixar film "The Incredibles".
What? No.
Yes.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is.
I met you a long time ago, hurt your feelings
which pushed you over the edge, and now you're a super villain, currently with the upper hand,
and I'm temporarily trapped.
It's totally the same story.
This is not- first of all,
I'm surprised Tony Stark knows that movie well enough to reference its storyline.
And secondly,
What do you mean temporarily trapped?
Your hands are totally permanently secured in those Zip ties,
you're not going anywhere.
You're "Syndrome" and I'm "Mr. Incredible".
This is not the same, I can breathe fire!
I even have a black friend who helps me fight crime,
AND he has a super suit.
Oh my gosh, this is totally "The Incredibles".
You know what bugs me?
What?
Well, the president is being held hostage in the iron patriot suit,
the suit is completely useless,
but when Rhodey puts it on, it suddenly works completely fine .
That's what bothers you?
Yeah, that bugs me.
Well, you know what bugs me?
How you got all the way back to Gotham City...
after climbing out of that prison on the other side of the planet
Why don't you explain that?
Why do so many people have a problem with this?
I said it's because I'm Batman.
Can we get back to the story? Please.
Fine, continue.
Hey, how come your bra didn't burn in the fire ?
What?
Tony, the world's in danger.
It's time to assemble, we need you.
Ru, Ah, Avengers need Tony, need suit.
Oh, you guys are still around,
I'm sorry everyone, I just blew up all my suits.
I'm kind of a changed man now.
Why would you blow up all your suits?
See, a sort of metaphorical showing pepper that
she's more important than any mission and...and I'm more than just a suit,
plus it's Christmas.
I heard your call.
My brothers and sister, let us go forth to victory.
Tony just blew up all of his suits.
Say what? Why would still do this?
Yeah, Stark's out.
He's... He's totally whipped,
but I might have an alternate.
Pepper, you're basically like terminated too now.
You want to take doings place on this one?
Me?
Yeah, girl, you wanna save the world?
Really? That actually sounds exciting.
She can't replace me. What just happened here?
She killed the Mandarin.
With my tech. Guys, I blew up all my suits,
but that doesn't mean I'm not still iron man.
-So you want to go with us? -Okay.
Oh, thanks a lot guys.
Come on, Pepper.
I love you, sweetheart.
She can't replace me. I am Iron Man.
You hear me? I am Iron Man.
So is J.A.R.V.I.S
So you retired now or what?
I don't know. Are you retired now?
Well, I know I'm not retired.
I'm just getting started.
Here, hang out these for me, will ya?
What the...? Gross.
I'll be right back. REBOOT!
-I am Iron Man. -I'm Batman
So, get your mandarins margarine today.
You'll never see this sweet, buttery, imitation coming.
I know it's totally disappointing.
Heimdall, my friend.
How was my Lady of Earth
How does she?
She fares really well.
-Good. - She bathes as we should be.
That is good.
Wait. She's what?
I can see everything, man and it is amazing
Stop creeping on my lady front, dude
Loki
I'm dead, my brother.
No.
Everything we've been through together has led to...
this swift and unexpected ending.
Goodbye
Okay, Let's leave the body here,
and get back to the situation at hand.
Are you sure he's dead?
He did just make it look like your hand was cut off.
And he is evil.
He's dead, my love. See?
Ya, I'm not buying it.
-Here. -Oh.
Really? Okay, you caught me, all right. I'm not dead.
Jeez, right in the bearit.
So, they completely ruined my plan.
-Ah, no -Ah, heroes are so annoying.
I know, right?
Especially when they happen to be your perfect brother.
So, then what you do?
I help Thor fight that stupid oaf and then return to my cell and Asgard.
Oh, that's terrible.
I know.
I really thought I had it all in the bag too.
I was going to fool everyone,
take Odin's throne as my own.
Everyone would have been like "Say What?"
Where's Odin?
That's so evil.
I always like that.
I'm sure you would.
So, how did you escape?
Magic, duh.
I love magic tricks.
You want to see this pencil disappear?
Hey, Loki.
Thanks for hogging my spotlight, you jerk.
Hey, why don't you try to steal some magic gas that no one cares about Malachy?
I'm totes cool to control the darkness and rule the universe.
You fooled by two human scientists and -
brainless interns carrying nothing but tripods
-So? -So good day.
-Amateur. -Noob thinks because he has an army
he's automatically the next big thing.
Well, Loki did try to pull focus.
Well, wouldn't you?
Absolutely. You want to know what I would have been?
I would have said...
you want to know how our Dr. Scholars
-And? -Then I'd blow something up. I don't know
I kind of like to keep people guessing.
This sucks. Who knows how long it'll take me to have Odin's throne now.
You know what's funny?
If you had just been a good child,
Odin probably would have just handed you the throne.
You know, since Thor doesn't want it.
Yes. Thank you for that reminder, general.
You know what else is funny?
What's that?
If you had just colonized Mars you could have saved your entire race.
You're blowing my mind, Lok.
You guys stood me up, didn't you?
Captain Ball.
See you.
Thanks for the shield.
I'm keeping this.
Give me.
Here's the plan.
You two will definitely infiltrate the glass fishbowl on the bottom of the heavily armored carriers,
then sneekly insert these delicate little computer chips
into exactly the right slot and a huge rack of
other tiny delicate little computer chips. Got it?
I'm confused. If the point is to destroy the carriers
Why are we going through all this trouble?
Shouldn't we just call the Hulk or something
Yeah. Didn't he like rip one to pieces already.
No, we make this work with just us.
We're all we've got.
I'm okay with calling the Hulk up, really.
Yeah, maybe Iron Man up here with a tank missile or something.
It's just us.
It's really no trouble. He already texted back.
"On Hulk way looking for motorcycle"
I said we aren't calling in the Avengers
Fine.
Hulk sad
Oh well, this plan sounds extremely dangerous.
What else can we do?
Oh, I have this cool disguise mesh technology that completely changes my appearance
Hope that help.
You have what?
You had that this whole time?
Yeah, why?
We've been hiding for our lives, woman.
Okay, new plan.
I would have gotten away with it too
if it weren't for you sneaky kids in your disguise mask
This is director Pierce.
We are aborting the launch,
please stop all protocols and start dismantling the helicarriers,
and if you're Hydra,
report to route 41 and don't bring your weapons.
Thanks. Hell Hydra.
So, you saved the day?
Yeah, we did.
Yeah, none of us were really worried for you
Excuse me. Fury almost died.
Yeah, and then he didn't.
I'm sensing a pattern here.
Coulson, Stark, Loki, you thought they were gone,
and then they weren't.
You should be careful with that.
Be careful coming back alife?
What does that even mean?
Didn't you fake your own death?
Well, sure. But,
I can get away with that sort of thing
Do not ask him why.
Because I'm Batman.
He has a point, though.
You keep dying and bringing people back to life.
Nobody will accept it if one of you actually gets killed someday.
None of us are gonna die, that's silly talk.
Okay. Well, we'll see.
So what's next?
Just cleaning up the rest of Hydra.
Falcon offered to take care of it.
-Hail Hydra. -Hail Hydra.
Suck, I got you,sucker.
Me? I'm just gonna take it easy for a while.
Go on someday?
What is your deal with my love life?
No, I'm gonna go find my friend, Bucky
and convince him he's not evil so we can be toes besties.
Totes besties?
Yeah. Stark told me that so you refer to best friends now.
You cross that off your list.
Speaking of Bucky, I have a question for you ,Cap.
-Shoot. -Remember that one time on the roof
when Captain America through his mighty shield,
Really? You're bringing up my old team song again?
Yes, I've heard that all those
who choose to oppose issues must yield
Well, did the Winter Soldier yield when you threw your mighty shield?
-No. -What did he do?
He caught it with his super arm.
So....
Unless you're plane or that or some ice or a brainwashed buddy with a robot
doesn't you don't necessarily have to yield.
You guys are weird.
Well, this has been great.
Excuse me. I need to start looking for Bucky.
Hulk find him.
Ah. Let me go.
Hey, kid. Sorry your uncle turned out to be a terrorist,
but a birthday promise is a birthday promise.
Who are you?
I'm Iron Man.
You're not Iron Man.
I am - I am -
Are not.
I am - I am -
Then, where's your suits?
Jarvis, I'm leaving.
You have to mingle, Sir.
then I'm having some cake.
Tank Missile.
I know we've all lost stuff,
and you think life takes more than it gives.
But not today.
Today is giving us something.
It's giving us a chance.
To do what?
To give a crap.
Very well.
Wait. What are you doing? Man.
You said "to give a crap."
Oh.No.No.Stop.
Bring me the orb.
Why? Exactly.
What?
I mean all you do is sit in that chair all day long.
Is not having the orb going to change anything about your daily routine?
I will rule the universe, and sit in this chair.
So bring me the orb.
Why don't you get up out of that chair and make me?
I can't get out of this chair.
It's not my time.
Plus, my legs are asleep.
You're so weird
Infinity War...
We have to get out of here.
I hope you have a plan.
I have a plan.
Do not shoot those windows one at a time
All of you fire at the same window on my command
Ready?
Oh. Man.
Fire!
How would you like to get paid?
How do you think, man? Units.
Very well.
Lina, Don't
I'll no longer be your slave.
Sorry, that girl looked like she was about to get in between me
and becoming stupid rich
that'll be 4 billion units, please.
Your salvation is at hand!
Ooo, it's about to get easy times.
Ooo, things to be bribed man.
What are you doing?
dance-off, bro. Me and you.
Oh. Whatever
And then I totally destroyed everything.
Take my hand!
Dude, let go.
No way.
What do we do now?
I don't know.
What do you want to do?
Something good? Something bad?
Or we hit them both?
We'll follow your lead, Starlord.
Well, we hit them both.
Wait, so who's the good and who's the bad?
Hey, I'm Batman
You want to know my secret identity?
Do you want a fist to the face?
Never mind.
He's the bad.
Hey, if anything I'm the good,
and you're the bad,
or we're the good and they're the bad.
Oh, you're the bad and we're the good, and blah blah blah.
This conversation bores my brain,
So, welcome back to earth I suppose.
This is awesome. There's so many things I missed out on.
I got this new thing called iPod.
there's like a bazillion songs on it.
You guys sing a lot about butts now.
Why do you do that?
I don't know.
Music got weird
So anyways, you guys save the galaxy.
A lot of pilots died but hey,
you all held hands at the end and sort of made it all better
Yeah, no kidding.
You also left an infinity stone in a city.
that barely has any protection left.
Did you see where I got the stone the first time?
There was like nobody guarding it.
You guys in your Infinity stones
So you're like half human and half something else.
Are you not the least bit interested in knowing who your own dad is?
What? Sorry I didn't hear you.
Did you know they made Transformers movies?
They look so weird.
He asked who your father is.
Ninja Turtles into a movie too, several times
I feel like he's conveniently dodging this topic.
You, one who was part bat and part man
Who was your father?
Oh I'm not part bat.
I just dressed like a bat.
-Because I'm Batman. -Why did you dressed like a bat?
To strike fear in the hearts of my enemies.
Bats are not scary, bats are tiny mammals
That's total scary.
You should be called "Normal Man" who dresses as bat.
I'm not just a normal man.
I'm Batman.
I'm GROOT.
-I'm Batman. - I'm GROOT.
Oh, G.I.Joe got a movie too.
Man, the future is awesome.
I need to see these movies right now.
oh well now I know and knowing is half
the battle
I'm GROOT.
Now, I'm free. There are no strings on me.
Oh, man. He make Pinocchio sounds scary.
Okay, how about this?
A dream is a wish, your heart makes
I can show you the
shining shimmering splendid
You're ruining my childhood.
Do you want to build a snowman?
No, man. It's summer.
I had string, but now I'm free.
all our work is gone Ultron deleted everything and now he's in the Internet
if he's in the Internet he can do anything
hey guys I can't check my email
He's changed all our passwords.
He gets worse.
Ultron shut off the cable.
This is all your fault,
how are we supposed to watch Game of Thrones now? Tony, Oh.
We got no cable, we've got no internet I'm rage
Easy big guy. Sun's getting low
I'm calling Veronica okay let's see how fast I can buy the parts
You think I don't know about Veronica?
I have fail you.
Okay, let's see how fast can I buy parts for a new Veronica
Oh, that's evil.
He start to use technology against us.
All the traffic lights are green.
I can handle this. War machine, come to action.
Don't worry, I got this.
Oh your suits don't work, either.
This is bad. This is very very bad.
Stark. What did you do? What did you do?
We have to save these people.Everyone get on the Quinjet.
I don't know if you mean this "Quinjet."
I hide and evolve. And made my Earth destroying meteor.
They didn't even have a chance.
So, when is this meteor medium supposed to hit?
Oh, sometime. About now.
He said now.
Wait. What?
Hey, did you hear something?
How in the world?
Never mind, we'll talk later.
It's because I'm Batman. What the?
Oh, he's gone.
Hey, do you mind if I study this scepter for a few days?
Of course.
I do not see any harm in leaving it in your hands rather than
just taking it straight to us
Do not let him study that scepter.
Thor you promised me danger
so far all that's happened as you've undressed and gotten into this cave fool
can't help feel like something.
Yes, I'm having a vision
Alright, I'm out.
We have to do something,
does anyone know how to stop a train
I got it.
Just your friendly neighborhood,
Marvel Universe Spiderman
Is that the best you can do?
This is the best I can do.
This is just I wanted.
All of you, against all of me.
Those two are my children, and we are called mutants
What? Why are you stopping?
I thought you were stopping.
Yeah, we are not stopping?
-Of course not. - Oh okay.
-Son of a... -Language.
Then the strongest Ultron was dead so we finished saving the world again.
Yeah, we did
Age of Ultron is over
I wouldn't call that age.
That was more like a week at best.
More like the minor setback of Ultron.
Hey, that's how we roll
Can you imagine if you let the big Ultron get away for just a little bit longer?
what it was my dad I'd the kids of that
Well, congratulations this time
You stopped an evil robot by creating a superhero
that is pure and good and shoots lasers and is red yellow and blue and flies
hmm, sounds familiar
Do you want to ask me if I bleed?
No but this guy's going to.
He's trying to pick a fight with me,
it's not going to work.
Oh yes, it will. You are gonna bleed.
You mean just like your parents?
No, no, nobody wants a civil war, right?
I think it sounds kind of cool.
Hey, you wanna know my secret identity?
Not really.
Girl, your accent is so bad.
You make me want to be good.
But wait I already am because I'm...
bats everywhere
Fine. I'll do it myself.
Yes, you will, because of you want to work here
shall do my bidding
now plunge with all of your hatred
Yes. I can feel your anger.