>> HELLO, AMERICA. YESTERDAY WE MADE DONALD TRUMP
THE 45th PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
HOORAY! WE DID IT, HUH?
AND TODAY MANY OF YOU ARE SCARED AND MARCHING IN THE STREETS
YOU ARE WORRIED THAT YOUR COUNTRY IS IN THE HANDS OF THIS
UNPREDICTABLE MAN, BUT DON'T WORRY.
IT'S NOT. RELAX.
I GOT THIS. PUTIE IS GOING TO MAKE
EVERYTHING OKAY. I PROMISE THAT WE WILL TAKE CARE
OF AMERICA. IT IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE THING
WE HAVE EVER BOUGHT. I KNOW MANY OF YOU AMERICANS ARE
SKEPTICAL OF PRESIDENT TRUMP. MANY RUSSIANS WERE SKEPTICAL OF
ME AT FIRST, TOO. BUT TODAY NOBODY EVER SEEMS TO
HEAR FROM ANY OF THEM. IT'S LIKE THEY'RE GONE.
IT ALWAYS WORKS OUT. SO WHY ARE AMERICAN WOMEN
PROTESTING? IN RUSSIA, WOMEN HAVE NO REASON
TO PROTEST. LISTEN TO THIS WOMAN.
>> HELLO. I AM OLYA, A RUSSIAN WOMAN.
I AM SO HAPPY. EACH DAY I WAKE UP WITH BIG
SMILE ON MY FACE LIKE THIS. I SLEEP IN BED, NOT IN CARCASS
OF DOG. MY PRESIDENT IS NUMBER ONE
HOTTIE FOR ALL TIME. >> WHOA, WHOA.
THAT'S A LOT. BUT IT'S FAIR.
HERE YOU GO. >> OH, MY PENSION.
>> NOW, DO I THINK YOUR NEW PRESIDENT IS PERFECT?
PERHAPS NOT. BUT DON'T WORRY.
I WILL GET HIM THERE. DONALD, LET'S TALK AS FRIENDS.
YOU'RE NOT OFF TO A GREAT START, MAN.
I THOUGHT YOU'D BE BETTER AT THIS.
HOWEVER, I'M GLAD TO SEE SO MANY PEOPLE SHOWED UP TO YOUR
INAUGURATION. OH, WAIT.
THAT'S THE WOMEN'S MARCH. HERE IS INAUGURATION.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] AND TODAY YOU WENT TO THE CIA
AND SAID ONE MILLION PEOPLE CAME TO SEE YOU IN WASHINGTON, D.C.?
IF YOU'RE GOING TO LIE, DON'T MAKE IT SO OBVIOUS.
SAY THAT YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH LeBRON JAMES, NOT THAT YOU ARE
LeBRON JAMES. I SAW YOUR SPEECH, TOO.
IT WAS A LITTLE BLEAK, NO? TRUST ME.
I KNOW BLEAK. I WAKE UP EVERY DAY IN RUSSIA.
ALSO, YOUR WHOLE INAUGURATION WAS HEAVY ON THE GOD STUFF, HUH?
I HAVE NEVER HEARD YOU SAY GOD THAT MUCH.
AND I HAVE TAPES OF YOU HAVING SEX.
WHAT WAS WITH THE OUTFIT ON KELLYANNE CONWAY?
LOOK? DOES SHE WORK FOR YOU OR IS SHE
HOLDING THE DOOR AT FAO SCHWARZ?
I STILL LOVE YOU, KELLYANNE. ALSO A DEAR FRIEND.
LISTEN, AMERICA. IT'S GOING TO BE FINE.
FRANKLY, WOULDN'T IT BE NICE TO HAVE A GOOD RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN
OUR COUNTRIES AGAIN? RUSSIA IS LEADING EXPORTER OF SO
MANY THINGS AMERICANS NEED LIKE OIL, TRACK SUITS AND
SCARY PORNOGRAPHY. WHO KNOWS?
ONE DAY YOUR COUNTRY COULD BE AS HAPPY AS WE ARE HERE IN RUSSIA.
WE ARE NOT DIVIDED LIKE YOU. ALL OUR PEOPLE ARE SO GLAD FOR
THEIR FREEDOM. SO, AMERICA, IT'S GOING TO BE A
LONG FOUR YEARS FOR MANY OF YOU. BUT, REMEMBER, WE ARE IN THIS
TOGETHER. AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT!"