♪♪
[audience applause]
- Bart, come closer.
I'm dying and I want you to know where me treasure is hidden.
- Aye.
- This very detailed map will take you
to the exact spot where the treasure lies.
- Whew.
Hmm.
So sorry.
Um, I know you're on your death bed and everything,
it's just I just took a look down at this map
and it's actually not very detailed.
It's just vague.
It's not super specific.
- No, it's got an X though.
- Yeah, ye-ye-ye-ye-yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just the X covers like, the whole island.
- Of course it does!
That's where the treasure lies.
It's where the dust laden sky meets the wind
that blows hardest out of the open sea.
- Right.
It's just a little bit of clarity
would go a long way here
'cause there are like, seven seas.
You could see how it would get a little bit confusing.
- You'll know you're close when you hear
the island's heartbeat beckon to ye at dusk.
- Ugggh.
The thing about dusk--
and again, I am so sorry but is it like 6:30 or 7:00?
I've never been a big dusk guy.
- I couldn't be more clear, son!
When the last twinkle of sunlight
dissipates across the horizon,
that's where the treasure be.
- Right, ri-ri-right.
But like, a.m. or p.m.?
- It's clear as day.
The treasure lies within the very soul of the island.
- See?
This is part of the problem
'cause the soul's not really something you can find
so can you give me something specific
like a landmark?
- Aye, a landmark, yes.
The landmark is where curiosity meets wisdom.
[audience laughter]
- Are curiosity and wisdom like street names,
or avenues, or boulevards, literally anything specific?
- How's me patient?
- I don't think he's doing well, doctor.
He's not making a lot of sense.
- How you feelin' me captain?
Captain: Oh sun and mornin', sailor take warnin'
- Ooh, it's definitely his pancreas.
Captain: Aye.
- You got pancreas from sailor take warning?
- Which one of us went to pirate med school?
I think it was me.
[audience laughter]
- Listen.
I need you to tell me exactly where the treasure is.
Can you do that?
Captain: Aye, yes I can.
- Good.
So no more crazy talk about, you know,
souls or moons or dusk or hearts?
- Correct.
Now listen very carefully.
Set your compass north.
- Good, yes.
- Seventeen degrees.
- Uh-huh, got it.
- Travel two hours on foot.
- Yup.
- You'll reach a clearing in the middle of the island.
- Oh, now we're cookin'.
- And then you'll find the treasure...
- Uh-huh.
- ...by following your heart.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No more heart.
No more heart stuff.
Give me specifics.
Any kind of detail.
Please, please.
- Drink this medicine, captain.
It'll make ya pancreas feel better.
- Aye.
Oh.
For the first time in two weeks I feel no pain.
I'm grateful to ye.
- That's why I'm here, captain.
Just doin' my job.
- Aye.
Me thinks the siren song of fortune
has laid its eye on you.
- Seriously?
You mean it?
- Wait, what?
- May the white sands of time blow across ye face at midnight.
- Thank you, captain.
- Aye.
- And that was a perfectly clear statement to you?
- Hey!
[audience laughter]
- Okay, whatever.
I was in the middle of getting him to tell me
where his treasure is so if you don't mind, listen.
We were so close.
I need you to tell me exactly where it is, please.
- Ah, yes.
Go to where the dust laden sky--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, we got that already.
Keep going.
- Uhh, compass 17 degrees.
- Uh-huh.
And then?
- Uh, you'll reach a clearing in the middle of the island.
- Yup, then?
- And then you'll find the treasure by following your--
- Do not say heart.
- --ticker.
- Oh, that is the same thing as heart and you know it.
- You told me not to say it!
- That's the same thing as heart and you know it.
- Thank you, captain.
- That's his treasure.
Where did you find that?
- I did what the captain said.
Weren't you listening?
The siren song, white sands, followed my heart,
and there's a huge X that covers half the island.
Arrrgh.
[audience applause]
- Next on Studio C, I play a pirate.
- I play a pirate.
- And I play a pirate.
♪♪
- Argh.
- You wanna see some real treasure?
Tune in to Studio C tomorrow night.
- And if you want the better treasure,
look no further than Arvin's heart of gold.
- And if you want the even better treasure,
look into Arvin's wonderful mind.