ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: This episode of Terrible Writing Advice is sponsored by Skillshare.
Which originally belonged to me!
If it’s too good to be true then it’s probably time to stop being so negative.
Between the publishing industry, agents, writing contests, and marketing teams, a writer’s
life is full of exciting opportunities provided by this one of kind dream job.
Yet there is the small possibility that some of these exciting opportunities might be ripoffs.
This may cause a fellow author to become apprehensive and reluctant to seize some of these opportunities
which is why Terrible Writing Advice is here to help writers of all kinds know the pros
from the cons.
And with a name like Terrible Writing Advice you know you can trust me.
I’m the most trusting person ever!
The Nigerian Prince I’m letting borrow my bank account even says so.
And if you can’t trust Nigerian royalty who can who trust?
Now the important first step for any discerning writer when it comes to potential scams is
to ignore all of the details.
This means overlooking small discrepancies that might otherwise kick into gear one’s
analytical thinking.
For example, a hopeful writer should never be alarmed that an email from a supposed publishing
company has about a firm grasp on the English language as a drunk Russian which oddly enough
is also what their email address is written in.
I’m sure that’s legit.
Is the email full of generic praise for your work which they never mention by name?
Does it make large, grandiose promises of making the best seller list, but is short
on specifics?
Eh.
My blind optimism will fill in all of those gaps.
I especially like it when they address me as “Dear Mr. Terrible Writing Advice”.
Wow!
How did they know my name?
People who can’t even be bothered do the barest amount of research about me or my work
are the perfect people to represent me!
I’m sure if I reply they wont try to rush me through the process as they try to reach
my wallet before my brain starts to function again.
Aw man.
All of these red flags are making it hard for me to see this awesome deal!
I don’t have time to actually do a simple google search to find out who this publisher
is.
They do get mentioned on the Writer Beware blog a bunch, but I’m sure its nothing.
It’s not like they’ve changed their name over dozen times and faked their own death
to dodge previous financial obligations.
But they must be legit because their website is full of excessively positive testimonials
from authors that I’m pretty sure have died long before the company in question was founded.
I mean yes, their website is full of grammatical errors, but the company owner is named Justin
John James.
You can always trust someone with three first names.
Does the company have any credentials?
Is there web design still trapped in the 90s?
Have they actually published anything ever?
Ugh.
These red flags are getting the way again.
I have to sign with this publisher.
Every writer knows that the publishing industry is this magical group of elite individuals
who will sweep in and rescue talented special authors from obscurity who can then ascend
to unparalleled fame and wealth.
You know, what we really need is an agent!
Thankfully I’ve found an agent advertising for submissions!
Huh.
Normally agents don’t advertise for manuscripts given most professional agents are drowning
in them as is, but I’m sure this is nothing.
Oh hey, the agent responded to my email really fast and knows the perfect publisher for my
book!
The agent just needs this small, little upfront reading fee.
Out of my way red flag.
I’m paying that fee!
Also they need me to pay a small processing fee.
Also a submission fee, an evaluation fee, editing fee, photocopying fee, mailing fee,
manuscript spam fee, “I can’t believe he’s still falling for this” fee, fee
processing fee, and fee processing fee for processing fees.
Wow.
This is starting to get expensive, but surely this will get me published under a shady company
the supposed “agent” secretly owns or gets a kickback from.
And here I thought most agents get paid through commission.
Thank goodness this “agent” knows a for hire, independent editor that I’m sure the
agent doesn’t get a kickback from as well as a very expensive marketing package.
No time to check if this agent has actually sold a manuscript ever!
While a skilled agent would be willing to provide at least some details on recently
published works, this new agent I’m signing with seems strangely elusive when it comes
to providing details on their previous sales.
I’m sure it’s nothing.
I can’t risk spoiling my dream of being published and let into the exclusive glamorous
world of rich and famous celebrity writers.
Now I just need some awards and accolades to slap on my book’s back blurb.
Thankfully there are all kinds of awards that a writer can fall into.
I mean win.
Now the easiest way to tell a legit award from a scam one is an astoundingly high entry
fee!
I’ll pay good money to win the “Not a Hugo or Nebula” award.
Hmm…
This contest seems awfully broad as though it’s not really designed to showcase exceptional
examples of a specific genre or style, but rather made to rope in as many potential writers
as possible.
What’s all this fine print?
I’m not going to read that.
Reading is for losers and I’m going to win this contest!
Oh wow.
I won the contest along with literally everyone one else who entered.
What did I win?
Why the once in a lifetime chance to spend yet more money.
My story is so good that it apparently needs an editor.
Thankfully the company that handles the contest receives a kickback, I mean knows an independent
editor that can get my award winning story in even better shape.
Also they happen to offer a very expensive marketing package as well.
Huh.
This is starting to seem kind of familiar.
I guess I’m on that merry-go-round again.
The important thing to remember is that money should never flow to the writer.
A writer must pay for the privilege of writing for a publisher.
I’m pretty sure that’s how most other jobs work.
If a writer is really lucky, they might get a special deal where they do freelance writing
and get paid with exposure which I’m pretty sure killed most of the Donnor Party along
with starvation.
But I mean, hey, culture has long romanticized the starving artist, because nothing says
romance quite like a diet of ramen and late utility bills.
Wow.
Okay.
It seems I might have dug myself so deep in the sunk cost fallacy that I have to look
up to see the Titanic.
Should I admit I made a poor decision, cut my losses, and bale out before I waste any
more time and money?
Of course not.
If I do that, then all of the money, time, and effort I put into these scam companies
will be wasted!
Clearly the only logical thing to do is to keeping shoveling money into that abyss forever
in the vain hopes that it will all work out eventually.
I can’t network with other writers to get a second opinion because all they will say
is that I should stop giving money away to scammers.
They don’t understand!
I’m desperate.
I would rather let desperation and deep seated fears of being labeled a fool choose my course
of action for me rather than face the harsh reality that I’ve been duped and that there
is no shame in admitting it, only shame in sinking further into delusion.
No.
Better to think myself as far too smart to ever get taken in by a scam.
Surely my smug, self assurance will prove a far more effective defense against potential
scams than constant vigilance, logic, research, and skepticism along with a healthy dose of
second opinions and useful links that I have pinned in the comments section below.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wire $6,000 dollars to my future Ukrainian bride
so she can fly over to the US to meet me in person!
ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: Great.
Now everyone’s here.
CULT LEADER: Hey everyone.
Sorry we’re late, but we brought doughnuts and pamphlets.
ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: Nevermind.
Now we’re all here.
And what’s the Empire doing here?
I thought that planetoid took out the evil emperor.
IMPERIAL TROOPER: We got better!
ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: What looser would offer that as an excuse?
CEO: Dang it, DL.
I thought I had you locked away?
DARK LORD: Oh, that?
I escaped seconds after you left to answer the door.
Your chain work needs a bit of polish by the way.
I finished up the MLP series after that.
Then I got distracted by this thing you mortals call Netflix.
For 10,000 years I binged watched and now I have arise to once again claim what is rightfully
mine!
AI: Your petty squabbling is irrelevant.
Behold, lowly meat-bags for this episode of Terrible Writing Advice is sponsored by Skillshare!
ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: Yes it is.
Now give it back!
AI: Skillshare has amassed over 25,000 classes in design, writing, business, technology,
and much more.
Surely such a rich concentration of knowledge is wasted on inferior organic life forms.
ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: Wasted?
I have a premium membership that gives me unlimited access to Skillshare’s classes
and communities, you worthless lump of 1 and 0s.
CULT LEADER: Oh.
Can we have one too?
I’ll trade you a doughnut for it!
I want to check out the class on Graphic Design Basics.
DARK LORD: No you can’t, because its mine.
TWA fans can go to skl.sh/twa11 to get two months of Skillshare for free!
IMPERIAL TROOPER: The link is in the description below, FOR THE GLORY OF THE EMPIRE!
DARK LORD: No!
For the glory of me!
ANCIENT CONSPIRATOR: No!
Just as planned!
AI: Destroy all humans!
CEO: You bunch of idiots!
If you keep this up you are going to draw their attention!
DARK LORD: Who?
KNIGHT OF ARTISTIC INTEGRITY: STOP before you doom the entire Terrible Writing Advice
expanded universe!