WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
WELL, THE G.O.P.'S NEW HEALTHCARE BILL CLEARED ITS
FIRST HURDLE EARLY THIS MORNING, WHEN IT WAS PASSED BY THE HOUSE
WAYS AND MEANS COMMITTEE, AFTER ROUGHLY 18 HOURS OF DEBATE.
AND ANYONE WHO'S SPENT 18 HOURS TRYING TO PASS SOMETHING KNOWS
-- ( LAUGHTER )
-- KNOWS WHAT YOU GET AT THE END.
>> Jon: OH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: VERY GENEROUS.
>> Jon: GENEROUS, GENEROUS.
>> Stephen: VERY GENEROUS WITH YOUR APPLAUSE.
THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, MEMBERS WERE UP
UNTIL 4:00 A.M., WHICH MIGHT EXPLAIN WHY THINGS GOT A LITTLE
LOOPY.
( LAUGHTER ) LIKE THESE LATE NIGHT MUSINGS
FROM REPRESENTATIVE JASON SMITH.
>> YOU COULD TAX A LOT OF DIFFERENT ITEMS IF YOU WANT TO
STOP BEHAVIOR.
YOU KNOW, I LOVE ICE CREAM.
ICE CREAM IS PROBABLY NOT THE MOST HEALTHY THING TO EAT.
WHY IS THERE NOT A TAX ON THAT?
YOU KNOW WHAT, IF YOU LOOK AT THE NUMBER ONE CAUSE OF SKIN
CANCER, IT IS NOT TANNING BEDS.
DO A GOOGLE SEARCH.
IT IS THE SUN.
WHY HAVE THEY NOT PROPOSED A TAX ON THE SUN?
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: SO IF YOU'RE WORRIED
ABOUT LOSING YOUR HEALTHCARE, DON'T WORRY!
IT'S SAFELY IN THE HANDS OF THE GUY WHO'S UP ALL NIGHT GOOGLING
"WHY DON'T WE TAX THE SUN?" ( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: YOU GOT IT!
>> Stephen: OH!
>> Jon: I'M COOL!
I'M CHILLIN'.
>> Stephen: WE WOULD NEVER GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO COLLECT THE
TAXES.
WE WOULD GO AT NIGHT.
SUN WOULD NEVER SEE IT COMING WHILE IT'S ASLEEP.
( LAUGHTER ) THE LONG HOURS WERE THANKS TO
SOME TROLLING BY THE DEMOCRATS.
THEY KNEW DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH VOTES TO STOP THE BILL, SO THEY
INTRODUCED A BUNCH OF AMENDMENTS -- YOU CAN PUT THAT IN THE
COMMITTEE -- YOU CAN INTRODUCE AMENDMENTS AND THEY SLOW THINGS
DOWN.
FOR EXAMPLE, THE DEMOCRATS SUGGESTED CHANGING THE TITLE OF
THE BILL FROM "AMERICAN HEALTH CARE ACT" TO THE "REPUBLICAN PAY
MORE FOR LESS CARE ACT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S A LITTLE JERKY.
THAT'S A LITTLE JERKY.
NEXT, THEY TRIED CHANGING THE NAME TO THE "DOUCHEBAG SAYS
WHAT?" ACT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE CRAZIEST AMENDMENT OF
ALL WAS A MEASURE THAT WOULD HAVE BLOCKED HEALTH CARE REFORM
UNLESS IT ENSURED COVERAGE FOR EVERY TAXPAYER AND ALL THEIR
DEPENDENTS.
OKAY, HA HA, VERY FUNNY, DEMS-- LET'S GET BACK TO THE SERIOUS
BUSINESS: WHETHER OR NOT WE SHOULD TAX THE SUN.
( LAUGHTER ) AND IT'S NOT JUST DEMOCRATS WHO
ARE OPPOSED.
CONSERVATIVE GROUPS HAVE LINED UP TO OPPOSE THE BILL, BECAUSE
FOR THEM, IT'S STILL GOVERNMENT HEALTHCARE.
HOWEVER YOU PAINT IT UP.
BUT TRUMP, THE MASTER DEALMAKER, HAS A PLAN TO WIN CONSERVATIVES
OVER.
HE'S INVITED THEM TO STRIKE A DEAL OVER A FEW FRAMES AT THE
WHITE HOUSE BOWLING ALLEY.
YEAH, YEAH.
TRUMP WANTS TO BE THERE TO SEE IT, AS THE REPUBLICANS THROW
THEIR BALLS AWAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) WHAT?
>> Jon: THROW 'EM OUT.
>> Stephen: BUT DON'T WORRY, IF IT DOESN'T
PASS, TRUMP'S GOT A PLAN -- ALLOW OBAMACARE TO FAIL AND LET
DEMOCRATS TAKE THE BLAME.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) HOLD ON.
YOU'RE IN CHARGE NOW.
IF YOU LET HEALTHCARE COLLAPSE, I DON'T THINK WE'LL BLAME
DEMOCRATS, WE'LL BLAME YOU.
THAT'S LIKE A FIREFIGHTER LETTING THE HOUSE BURN DOWN TO
MAKE THE SPACE HEATER LOOK BAD.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP WANTS TO SELL THIS THING
SO MUCH, HE EVEN REACHED OUT TO HIS ARCH-ENEMIES.
FOR INSTANCE, LAST NIGHT HE HOSTED TED CRUZ, HIS WIFE HEIDI,
AND THEIR TWO CHILDREN FOR DINNER AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
HEY KIDS, HAVE FUN AT THE WHITE HOUSE, BECAUSE DADDY'S GOING TO
BE CRYING ON THE WAY HOME.
( LAUGHTER ) AND HERE WE ARE.
HERE WE ARE.
OH, STARTED ALREADY!
THERE YOU GO.
( LAUGHTER ) HOW AWKWARD WAS THAT?
I REMEMBER THE CAMPAIGN.
TRUMP SAID SOME TERRIBLE THINGS ABOUT CRUZ AND THEY'RE STILL UP
ON HIS TWITTER.
LIKE ALL THE TIMES TRUMP CALLED HIM "LYIN TED."
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE IT WORKED.
>> Jon: IT DID.
>> Stephen: HE ALSO ACCUSED CRUZ'S DAD OF
BEING PART OF THE PLOT TO ASSASSINATE J.F.K., AND
RE-TWEETED THIS UNFLATTERING PICTURE COMPARING HEIDI CRUZ AND
MELANIA WITH THE CAPTION "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND
WORDS!" ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
TRUMP HAS A POINT, WHICH IS WHY I LIKE TO LOOK AT THESE
PICTURES AS OFTEN AS I CAN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Jon: A PICTURE'S WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS!
>> Stephen: IT IS A TWO-WAY STREET.
BOTH OF THESE GUYS SAID SOME TERRIBLE STUFF.
AND I'M GUESSING TED CRUZ DIDN'T REPEAT ANY OF THIS FROM THE
CAMPAIGN -- >> THIS MAN IS A PATHOLOGICAL
LIAR.
HE DOESN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TRUTH AND LIES.
THE MAN IS UTTERLY AMORAL.
DONALD TRUMP IS A SERIAL PHILANDERER AND HE BOASTS ABOUT
IT!
>> STEPHEN: "UH, MR. PRESIDENT, COULD YOU PASS THE BOWL OF PEAS,
UNLESS YOU'RE CURRENTLY HAVING SEX WITH IT?
( LAUGHTER ) OR MAYBE IT WAS FINE.
TED CRUZ SAID "IT IS PRINCIPALLY A SOCIAL DINNER."
YOU KNOW, SOCIAL.
WHERE YOU ASK ABOUT EACH OTHER'S FAMILIES, LIKE "HOW'S YOUR UGLY
WIFE AND YOUR FATHER, THE PRESIDENT-KILLER?"
STILL CALL HIM PRESIDENT?
DON'T LET YOUR UGLY WIFE LOOK AT ME, WE'LL HAVE ANOTHER DEAD
PRESIDENT HERE.
>> Jon: WHOA, WHOA!
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING IT.
THAT'S DONALD TRUMP.
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
EITHER WAY, I DOUBT TRUMP APOLOGIZED.
NOT HIS STYLE.
IN FACT, WE GOT A COPY OF THE INVITATION: "YOU AND YOUR WIFE--
WHO'S A THREE AT BEST-- ARE INVITED TO DINNER.
COCKTAIL ATTIRE.
PLEASE CHECK SPINE AT THE DOOR."
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: SO TRUMP IS
PULLING OUT ALL THE STOPS ON THIS HEALTHCARE BILL.
EXCEPT WHEN IT COMES TO THE NAME BECAUSE THE WHITE HOUSE IS
ASKING, DON'T CALL IT "TRUMPCARE."
TRUMPCARE, TRUMPCARE, TRUMPCARE.
HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO CALL IT TRUMPCARE.
WHEN IT COMES TO WHETHER YOU SHOULD CALL IT TRUMPCARE, THAT
IS ONE THING ABOUT WHICH TRUMP CARES.
>> Jon: HE DO, HE DO, HE DO!
>> Stephen: INTER, ACCORDING TO ONE G.O.P.
OPERATIVE, "PRETTY MUCH ANYTHING WITH THE PEJORATIVE SUFFIX ON
IT, 'CARE,' IS GOING TO BE VIEWED UNFAVORABLY BY
CONSERVATIVES."
( LAUGHTER ) YES, CONSERVATIVES DON'T WANT TO
BE ASSOCIATING WITH CARING.
THAT'S WHY THE OFFICIAL MASCOT OF OBAMACARE REPEAL IS "SUCK-IT,
THE DON'T-CARE BEAR."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DO WE HAVE THOSE?
DID WE GET THOSE T-SHIRTS?
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: I WANT THAT T-SHIRT.
I WOULD SELL THAT T-SHIRT.
OR MAYBE TRUMP JUST DOESN'T WANT TO ATTACH HIS NAME TO SOMETHING
THAT NO ONE LIKES.
ALTHOUGH THAT NEVER STOPPED HIM BEFORE.
AND TRUMP'S NOT THE ONLY ONE DEFENDING TRUMPCARE.
THIS AFTERNOON AT A CAPITOL HILL PRESS CONFERENCE, SPEAKER PAUL
RYAN, EVER THE SHOWMAN, DAZZLED THE DOUBTERS WITH A POWERPOINT
PRESENTATION.
HE WAS EITHER DEFENDING TRUMPCARE, OR SELLING REPORTERS
A TIMESHARE.
AND LIKE ANY SUBSTITUTE TEACHER HE USED THE A.V. EQUIPMENT TO
SHOW OFF THE LESSON PLAN.
>> WE ARE GOING TO REPEAL AND REPLACE OBAMACARE, AND WE'RE
GOING TO DO IT WITH A THREE-PRONGED APPROACH.
>> STEPHEN: ONE: REPEAL.
TWO: REPLACE.
THREE: LOOK, OVER THERE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: ARE THEY GONE YET?
( LAUGHTER ) RYAN ALSO SLAMMED THE OBAMACARE
MANDATE THAT EVERYONE HAVE INSURANCE.
>> THE MANDATES ARE ARROGANT AND PATERNALISTIC.
>> STEPHEN: YEAH, TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO IS ARROGANT AND
PATERNALISTIC.
BY THE WAY, LADIES-- NO PLANNED PARENTHOOD FOR YOU.
AND PAUL RYAN EXPLAINED JUST WHERE OBAMACARE WENT WRONG.
>> THE WHOLE IDEA OF OBAMACARE IS THE PEOPLE IN THE BLUE SIDE
PAY FOR THE PEOPLE ON THE RED SIDE.
THE PEOPLE WHO ARE HEALTHY PAY FOR THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SICK.
>> STEPHEN: YOU JUST DESCRIBED HOW INSURANCE WORKS.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT IS LITERALLY THE DEFINITION
OF INSURANCE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S HOW EVERYTHING WORKS!
"THE PROBLEM WITH THIS CASINO IS THAT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE LOSING
ARE FUNDING THE PEOPLE WHO ARE WINNING.
IT'S TIME TO HAVE A CASINO WHERE EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU PLAY THE
SLOTS, IT'S A JACKPOT!" OF COURSE, ONE THING TRUMP IS
WILLING TO PUT HIS NAME ON IS ACCUSATIONS THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA
ILLEGALLY TAPPED HIS PHONES.
TRUMP DEMANDED THAT CONGRESS INVESTIGATE HIS CHARGES, WHICH
THEY'RE GOING TO GET TO RIGHT AFTER THEY FIND THOSE THREE
MILLION ILLEGAL VOTERS, AND WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER'S RATINGS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENED!
SO, ON MARCH 20, CONGRESS WILL HOLD A RUSSIA HEARING-- A
FITTING NAME BECAUSE, AS WE KNOW, RUSSIA IS LISTENING.
( LAUGHTER ) AND CONGRESS IS TAKING THE
INVESTIGATION SERIOUSLY.
THIS WEEK, MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE AND SENATE INTELLIGENCE
COMMITTEES VISITED THE C.I.A.
HEADQUARTERS, WHERE SENATORS VIEWED "FOUR LARGE BINDERS FULL
OF CLASSIFIED INFORMATION."
NO WORD YET ON WHAT'S IN THE BINDERS, BUT JUST FROM THE
COVER, CONGRESS HAS LEARNED THAT "METALLICA RULES."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT!
KRISTEN STEWART IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I'LL SHARE SOME OF MY DEEPEST,
DARKEST MIDNIGHT CONFESSIONS.
STICK AROUND!