A RECORD NUMBER OF FEMALE MINORITIES WERE ELECTED TO THE
SENATE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
NOW LET'S SEE ALL THEIR NAMES RIGHT NOW.
♪ THIS IS MY FIGHT ♪ [ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT? THAT WAS IT?
THAT WAS THE RECORD? I THOUGHT I HAD MORE TIME.
[ LAUGHTER ] >> DISNEY HAS RECEIVED
PERMISSION TO FLY DRONES OVER ITS THEME PARKS IN AN EFFORT TO
CAPTURE OR KILL ALADDIN. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> I'M MEXICAN. WHAT WAS I THINKING?
A NEW STUDY -- [ LAUGHTER ]
A NEW STUDY SHOWS THAT PEOPLE WITH A VEGETARIAN DIET MAY LIVE
LONGER. OKAY, BUT FOR WHAT?
[ LAUGHTER ]
AS PRESIDENT, DONALD TRUMP IS NOW IN CHARGE OF SUPREME COURT
APPOINTMENTS WHICH MANY PREDICT WILL LEAD TO A CONSERVATIVE
MAJORITY FOR DECADES TO COME. MAJORITY FOR DECADES TO COME.
HERE TO COMMENT ON THIS IS LIBERAL JUSTICE RUTH BADER
GINSBURG. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> I'M NEVER GOING TO STEP DOWN NOW, YOU CAN'T GET RID OF ME
YA-YA. >> BUT JUSTICE GINSBURG, I THINK
EVERYONE EXPECTS YOU TO RETIRE SOON, I MEAN YOU'RE 83.
>> YEAH, YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT, I WAS GONNA RETIRE.
CLINTON WAS GOING TO WIN AND I WAS GOING STRAIGHT TO THE
DOMINICAN REPUBLIC. EVEN THOUGH LAST TIME I WAS
THERE THEY THOUGHT I WAS A ZIKA MOSQUITO.
[ LAUGHTER ] BUT NOT NOW.
NOT NOW. NOW I GOT TO STAY ALIVE AND
HEALTHY, DAMMIT. GIVE ME MY THING.
EXCUSE ME. GOT TO TAKE MY VITAMINS.
>> YES. OH MY GOD.
[ LAUGHTER ] YOU GOT THAT?
>> YOU GOT WATER? >> YOU GOT A LITTLE KIND OF ALL
OVER -- ALL RIGHT. SO YOU HAVE NO PLANS TO LEAVE
THE SUPREME COURT? >> COLIN, THE BENCH IS NOW MY
PORCH. I'M GOING TO SIT ON IT ALL DAY
AND SCREAM, "NO! GET OUT OF MY YARD!"
[ LAUGHTER ] >> BUT REALISTICALLY, HOW LONG
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN HOLD ON? >> OH, FOREVER, COLIN.
I'M EATING A APPLE A DAY TO KEEP BEN CARSON AWAY.
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
BY APPLE I MEAN PURE HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE.
IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, I'VE HIDDEN HORCRUXES IN ALL THE
TAVERNS IN THE D.C. METRO AREA. >> PEOPLE ARE ALSO WORRIED
ABOUT -- [ LAUGHTER ]
PEOPLE TRUMP IS CHOOSING FOR HIS CABINET, NEWT GINGRICH, STEVE
BANNON, RUDY GIULIANI -- >> TOO MUCH, COLIN.
IS THAT GHOUL GIULIANI REALLY GOING TO BE OUR ATTORNEY
GENERAL? ALTHOUGH IF I WANT TO LIVE
FOREVER MAYBE I SHOULD JUST LET HIM BITE ME.
SPEAKING OF BITING ME, GIULIANI? HE JUST GOT GINSBURNED.
♪♪♪ [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> CRAZY ON EMERGEN-C RIGHT NOW. WHAT DO YOU THINK TRUMP DOES
NEXT? >> WHATEVER HE WANTS, THANKS TO
HALF THE COUNTRY THAT DIDN'T EVEN VOTE.
YOU KNOW, I REGRETTED MY COMMENTS ABOUT COLIN KAEPERNICK.
BUT THEN THIS WEEK HE SAID HE DIDN'T VOTE.
SO I GUESS THIS GUY TAKES A KNEE ON EVERYTHING.
THAT'S ANOTHER GINSBURN. [ LAUGHTER ]
♪♪♪ >> OH MY GOSH.
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE LIKE MICHAEL MOORE WHO THINK
THAT TRUMP MIGHT GET IMPEACHED BEFORE HIS FOUR YEARS ARE EVEN
OVER. >> OH, GREAT, THEN WE'LL GET
PENCE, THE GAY PEOPLE CAN'T GET A PIZZA GUY.
AWESOME. EVEN THOUGH, I'M SORRY, TO ME HE
LOOKS LIKE THE NEIGHBOR WHO KISSES KEVIN SPACEY IN "AMERICAN
BEAUTY." [ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] MIKE PENCE, I'M SORRY YOU LOOKED
AT MAGNUM P.I. ONCE AND GOT A QUARTER CHUB AND YOU'VE BEEN
HAUNTED BY IT EVER SINCE. [ LAUGHTER ]
AND THAT'S A GAY GINSBURG. ♪♪♪
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] IT MIGHT NOT BE JUST EMERGEN-C.
>> IS THERE ANYTHING THAT CAN BE DONE, DO YOU THINK?
>> YEAH, OBAMA CAN CONFIRM MERIC GAR LAND TOMORROW.
AND FINALLY I CAN LEAVE D.C. THIS BEACH HOUSE IN ARUBA I'VE
HAD MY EYE ON. OH, I JUST NEED THE CRAB INSIDE
TO DIE AND I'M IN, BABY. AND THAT'S NOT A GINSBURN,
THAT'S A SUNBURN. ♪♪♪
>> WOW. RUTH BADER GINSBURG, EVERYONE!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] I'M MICHAEL CHE!
>> I'M COLIN JOST, GOOD NIGHT! [ CHEERS AND