Vanessa Marin: You've been hearing about self care for a
very long time. It's not like it's some hot new trend that just appeared on the scene.
Most of us have a pretty good idea of what self care is supposed to be, doing nice things
for yourself. So many of us struggle to actually do it. Even though it's supposed to be relaxing
and feel good, it often winds up feeling surprisingly overwhelming to commit, and stick to, an ongoing
self-care routine. We think that you deserve to take great care of yourself. We're going
to turn what you thought was self care on its head, in a good way. Hey, there we are
Vanessa and Zander Marin-
Zander Marin: Hey.
Vanessa Marin: We're a married couple. We've been together
since 2007, and we are here to give you the tools that you need to create an extraordinary
relationship inside of the bedroom, and out. I'm a licensed psychotherapist, I specialize
in sex and relationships, I've spent the last 15 years working with thousands of people.
I've also been a featured expert for a major magazines and websites like the New York Times
O the Oprah magazine, Real Simple, and many more.
Zander Marin: I'm her husband, who used to work a pretty
normal job in the tech world, but I wasn't feeling very fulfilled. I was seeing Vanessa
making such an impact with her work, so I decided to join her so we could reach even
more people. Being married to a sex therapist definitely has its perks, and I think I have
some pretty good insight into what does and doesn't work in relationships. Plus, I just
like sharing stories from our own lives that might help you guys.
Vanessa Marin: In this video, we're going to reveal what
we think self care is, why it's so important, and how self care is actually the key to a
healthier relationship and sex life.
Zander Marin: After watching this video, you'll have tons
of tools in your tool belt, plus, the motivation to finally put those self care tools to good
use. If you have a hard time showing yourself the same grace and compassion that you show
others, and if you're longing for a stronger relationship and a hotter sex life-
Vanessa Marin: Who isn't?
Zander Marin: Yeah. This video is definitely for you.
Vanessa Marin: All right. Let's start with what we think
self care actually is. To us, self care is taking the time to treat yourself kindly and
generously. It means honoring your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health on
any given day. It means consciously setting the intention to prioritize yourself. It's
a reflection of the value that you place on yourself.
Zander Marin: Self care behaviors can range from very small,
like getting a really good cup of coffee, to really big, like deciding to make a career
change. Self care looks different for everyone. It can look different from day to day for
the same person, even.
Vanessa Marin: For me, self care is weightlifting five days
a week, spending plenty of time cuddling our pugs, making and savoring a beautiful meals
with local produce.
Zander Marin: My favorite part.
Vanessa Marin: The eating part. Reading nonfiction books,
and planning date nights with Zander.
Zander Marin: That's sweet. For me, self care means going
surfing a few times a week and taking my time with my morning routine, spending some time
vegging out, watching surf blogs, deejaying, and cooking.
Vanessa Marin: Let's talk about what self care isn't. Here
are the top six myths about self care.
Zander Marin: Self care is selfish.
Vanessa Marin: Nope. Self care is just about recognizing
that you're a human being, and you deserve kindness, care, energy, time, and attention.
Zander Marin: Self care is indulgent.
Vanessa Marin: Really, the only true necessities in life
are food and water. We think that you deserve so much more than just the bare basics.
Zander Marin: Yeah. Not all self-care is extremely indulge-
Vanessa Marin: No.
Zander Marin: Only very certain types of self care, perhaps,
might qualify as that. The other one is self care involves spending a lot of money.
Vanessa Marin: So many self care habits involve spending
very little, or even no money whatsoever.
Zander Marin: I think this goes along with the indulgent
one. You could spend a lot of money and do something really indulgent, but you could
also do something really low budget that really is great for you and doesn't cost very much,
and is not indulgent at all. Self care is something that you do only every once in a
while.
Vanessa Marin: We think that it's far more effective to do
smaller things for yourself on a daily basis than to do these big elaborate things every
once in a while.
Zander Marin: Self care takes up a lot of time.
Vanessa Marin: Nope. You can practice good self care and
just a few minutes a day.
Zander Marin: Yeah. A little meditation or something. Self
care is doing whatever you want to do, regardless of the consequences.
Vanessa Marin: This is the one that I think comes up a lot.
I'll say for myself, yeah there are days where I feel like doing nothing except lying in
bed, watching a trashy Real Housewives marathon, eating an entire pizza. I definitely will
let myself indulge sometimes, but I also recognize that self care is not just about doing whatever
the hell I feel like doing. It's about taking good care of myself. Sometimes that's not
even particularly enjoyable, maybe it's needing to have a hard conversation with a friend,
or saying no to Zander, or scheduling my dentist appointment. All of those things really qualify
as taking good care of myself.
Zander Marin: Yeah. I think one of the traps that people
can fall into is they think, "If I do this self care activity once, I'm just going to
sit on the couch today and eat pizza." Then, all of a sudden, you're going to do that every
single day. You're just going to completely change your life, which is not really what
anybody does. You probably already know that self care has a lot of personal benefits,
here's just a few of those.
Vanessa Marin: It keeps you healthy, physically, mentally,
and emotionally.
Zander Marin: It helps you relax.
Vanessa Marin: It increases your patience.
Zander Marin: It actually makes you more productive.
Vanessa Marin: It recharges you, and gives you energy.
Zander Marin: It helps you sleep better.
Vanessa Marin: It prevents burnout.
Zander Marin: It relieves stress.
Vanessa Marin: It increases your confidence and self-worth.
Zander Marin: And it helps you focus on what's truly important
to you.
Vanessa Marin: What we really want to focus on in this video,
is the fact that self care also has a lot of amazing benefits for your relationship
and your sex life. We know, without a doubt, that our relationship would not be nearly
as strong as it is without both of us making the time for our own self care.
Zander Marin: Yeah. In fact, we've struggled with self care
during quarantine, and our relationship has suffered because of it. For example, I went
through a tough few weeks where I was feeling pretty low, honestly, and I just didn't want
to do anything. Even the things that normally make me happy, going surfing, just wasn't
doing it for me. I just wasn't going surfing. I thought that I only had the energy to get
through basic tasks of the day. I felt like I didn't have anything left to take care of
myself. I fell for that same trap of thinking that self care was indulgent, or a luxury,
or I didn't deserve it. After a couple of weeks, I noticed that my mood was getting
even worse. I was lethargic. I was getting less work done, and having even less time
with Vanessa. I didn't even have much to say when Vanessa would try to have a conversation
with me, I'm sad to say. I noticed that she was starting to feel frustrated
with me, too, because our connection was really suffering. There was just no life in her relationship.
Fortunately, Vanessa was able to gently point out to me that I hadn't been doing anything
for myself. She encouraged me to get back into surfing. I'll be honest, I resisted the
suggestion for a little while, and I got into an even darker hole. I finally got to the
point where I realized I wasn't taking care of myself, and it was affecting everything
and everyone around me. Slowly, but surely, I started getting back into my regular routine.
Of course, my mood started to drastically improve.
Vanessa Marin: Shocker.
Zander Marin: I know. Big shocker looking back. Believe
me, I know how easy it is to feel like you just don't have the time, or the energy for
self care. I can honestly tell you, that the times when you feel like you don't have the
time or energy for self care, are the times when you need it the most.
Vanessa Marin: Oh yeah. Here are some of the many ways that
self care can benefit your relationship.
Zander Marin: It helps you become a full and happy person,
which is going to attract the same thing in a partner.
Vanessa Marin: It helps you understand your needs, which
you can then share with your partner. It also helps you recognize that your needs are valuable
and important, which can make you feel more comfortable asking your partner for what you
need, both inside and outside of the bedroom.
Zander Marin: Yeah. I think there's this myth, oftentimes,
that in a successful partnership, each party is giving up all of this stuff. I don't think
it has to be like that. It also gives you the energy to take care of your partner and
their needs.
Vanessa Marin: It helps you develop a better relationship
with your body, which could make you more comfortable getting naked with your partner.
Zander Marin: Yep. It gives you the strength to deal with
challenging times.
Vanessa Marin: It increases your sexual desire, and your
physical attraction.
Zander Marin: It helps you maintain your individuality in
your relationship, which can really help keep the spark alive.
Vanessa Marin: Yeah. I think that, oftentimes, if we are
exploring different kinds of self care, it ends up exposing you to new experiences and
then you get to bring that back into your relationship. Even if it's something that
your partner doesn't want to do on their own, it just still feels like there's this freshness
and newness in your relationship. Taking good care of yourself also can inspire your partner
to take good care of themselves. I've had to learn the hard way that I can't force Zander
to take good care of himself, but when I've been going through really strong periods with
my own self care, I know that him being able to see how consistent I'm being, can inspire
him.
Zander Marin: Yeah. Okay. Now, let's talk about the biggest
challenge that comes up for people. Actually doing self care. People have a lot of reasons
why they don't take good care of themselves, lack of time, money, resources, or even cultural
support of the concept of self care. Others may prioritize different activities like work,
family obligations, domestic work, or childcare.
Vanessa Marin: Many women, in particular, have a hard time
spending time or money on themselves. We've really been taught to be self sacrificers,
and caregivers, and put others' needs before our own. A lot of women feel like any self
care is very selfish. There's something better that we could be doing. So many of us simply
just don't do it, even if we do have the time, space, or the resources for it.
Zander Marin: We could give you all the reasons in the world
why you should make time for self care, but at the end of the day, we can't be the ones
to push you into actually doing it.
Vanessa Marin: Instead, we want to offer you some suggestions
for simple ways to take care of yourself. We have a list of 40 self care ideas to inspire
you. Hopefully, something on this list will motivate you to make a little time to treat
yourself well, because again, we really think that you deserve it.
Zander Marin: One, get a massage. Ask your partner for a
massage, or spend time doing a little self massage.
Vanessa Marin: Number two, take a nap.
Zander Marin: Number three, have a long phone call with
a friend.
Vanessa Marin: Number four, have sex. Oh yeah. Sex can be
self care.
Zander Marin: Five, or masturbate.
Vanessa Marin: Number six, call in sick to work and spend
the day doing what you actually feel like doing.
Zander Marin: Don't tell them we told you that.
Vanessa Marin: Yes, please don't.
Zander Marin: Seven, do a random act of kindness for a stranger.
Vanessa Marin: Eight, spend time outdoors.
Zander Marin: Nine, go to a movie by yourself.
Vanessa Marin: 10, declutter your room.
Zander Marin: 11, take a bath or a long shower. I like doing
that.
Vanessa Marin: Oh yeah. 12, buy yourself a gift. It does
not have to be anything big, it could just be a little tiny thing.
Zander Marin: 13, speak kindly to yourself.
Vanessa Marin: 14, take yourself out to dinner.
Zander Marin: 15, touch yourself gently.
Vanessa Marin: 16, create some affirmations for yourself.
Zander Marin: 17, watch a guilty pleasure TV show. I know
we love that.
Vanessa Marin: Oh yeah. 18, sit alone in a quiet room. Sometimes
that's all you need.
Zander Marin: Oh, yeah. 19, lounge around in your bathrobe.
Vanessa Marin: 20, attend a community meeting.
Zander Marin: 21, give yourself grace and compassion when
you make a mistake.
Vanessa Marin: 22, eat your fruits and vegetables. Maybe
from your local farmer's market.
Zander Marin: Thanks, mom. 23, take a class in something
that's always interested you.
Vanessa Marin: 24, go to a spiritual, or religious event.
Zander Marin: 25, give yourself five compliments.
Vanessa Marin: 26, sit in the sun and feel the warmth on
your skin.
Zander Marin: Sounds nice. 27, workout.
Vanessa Marin: 28, dance.
Zander Marin: 29, prepare yourself an elaborate meal. It's
what Vanessa does.
Vanessa Marin: Oh yeah. 30, read a book.
Zander Marin: That's also what Vanessa does. 31, write in
a journal.
Vanessa Marin: 32, sing in the shower.
Zander Marin: 33, light good smelling candles.
Vanessa Marin: 34, make yourself a cup of tea.
Zander Marin: That always helps. 35, put on your snuggliest,
most comfortable clothes.
Vanessa Marin: I love that one. 36, saying no to something.
Zander Marin: 37, go to a therapy session.
Vanessa Marin: 38, listen to your favorite music.
Zander Marin: 39, make a Google doc where you write down
kind things about yourself.
Vanessa Marin: Number 40, you can even make a Google doc
of your favorite self care activities. You can even group them by which activities work
best in different situations.
Zander Marin: Finally, we're going to leave you with four
specific steps for taking action.
Vanessa Marin: First, get your partner involved. Rewatch
this video together, and have a conversation about how you think self care could impact
your relationship.
Zander Marin: Second, make a specific plan for your individual
self care, together. Choose a few of our self care activities that sound good to you, or
come up with some of your own. Then, make a specific plan for doing some form of self
care every day, for the next week, starting today. Not tomorrow, not next week, today.
Vanessa Marin: Today.
Zander Marin: The faster you take action, the better, just
to get some momentum going. We encourage you to keep it simple. So many people think that
self care needs to be elaborate, but oftentimes, the smallest actions can make the biggest
difference. Again, the key here is you actively plan. Not something that you just rely on
to magically happen, because it's not. Add it to your calendar. Tell your partner that
you're going to do it. Whatever you need to do to set yourself up for success.
Vanessa Marin: Third, when you do your self care activity,
actually take a moment to tell yourself, "I'm doing this to take great care of myself."
Just that simple sentence can have a huge effect, and can make your actions feel so
much more meaningful. It just sets you up to be more mindful and present, so that you
actually enjoy your self care.
Zander Marin: And fourth, keep talking about self care with
your partner. The more you're able to support each other in taking great care of yourselves,
the bigger the impact on your relationship. That wraps up our video about self care. If
you like this video, please give it a like, or better yet, comment down below about which
of these tips you're going to try out. We'd love to know what your go-to self care activities
are.
Vanessa Marin: There are so many different ideas. Drop a
few of your favorites down in the comments.
Zander Marin: Definitely, make sure to hit the red button
to subscribe to our channel, and hit the notification icon so that you're always getting these videos
as soon as they come out.
Vanessa Marin: We have a little gift for you, too. If you
want to get to know yourself even better, you're definitely going to want to check out
our free quiz, What's Your Sex Personality Type. This quiz will reveal the 11 sex personality
types that I developed, and will give you information on exactly what you need and like
in the bedroom. You'll find the link to that quiz down in the description box below. Thanks
for watching.
Zander Marin: See you next time.
Vanessa Marin: Speaking and savoring beautiful meals full
with... Sorry.