>>Russell Peters: I was in Thailand. I know a lot of you
have been to Thailand, it's not far from here.
I like how a lot of you don't wanna
admit you've been to Thailand because...
you're fucking perverts that's why!
[Laughter]
Thailand's great!
When I go to countries I've never been to,
you what I like to do? I like to experience what they're famous for.
Not "ladyboys," you filthy pirates, alright?
I was in Bangkok.
[Russell laughs sarcastically]
You know whats funny about Bangkok?
It doesn't matter how old you get,
when you hear Bangkok, you'll giggle everytime.
42 years old, I'm like, "Bangkok."
[Russell giggles]
'Cause you start thinking about the origin of names, right?
You start trying to figure out how they came up with that name.
Like, they were having a meeting in Thailand, they were like,
[Thai accent] "We need a name for the city."
"Ok, quick lunch break, we come back."
[Laughter]
[Bangs microphone against mic stand]
[Shouts in pain]
[Laughter]
[Thai accent] "What happened?
"Ow, I bang cock"
[Laughter]
[Russell sings a high note]
Kinda makes you wonder how they came up with the name,
for the island of "Phuket," you know what I mean?
"What do you want to call that Island?"
"I don't know, fuck it, whatever, just uh--
[Laughter]
I went to, uh -- When I was in Bangkok I wanted to, uh --
I went for a Thai massage.
That's what else they're famous for.
Just so you guys know,
if you go to Thailand, and you want a Thai massage,
just say you want a massage.
Not a "Thai massage," 'cause
they understand that it's already Thailand.
[Laughter]
But I didn't know. One of my friends was telling me
about the Thai massages
It's actually customary over there, for the lady giving you the massage to, uh--
[Laughter]
Not shoot dice. I mean, uh--
finish you off!
And I was like, "Well, alright!"
And I, just out of curiosity, I was like,
"Well, why do they do that? Not that I'm opposed to it,
I just wanna know why."
And he goes, "Oh, 'cause you know,
they give you this great massage,
and you're relaxed all over your whole body,
except for dead center - you're stiff."
And then, he was like,
"Well when is a man most relaxed?
Right after 'pffft' 'ahhh', right?"
[Laughter]
"And then you add a great massage on to that,
and you're just fuckin' Jello, when you leave!"
[Laughter]
You could tell who's had a massage,
everybody walking through the streets of Bangkok--
[Girl voice] "Is he hammered?"
[Manly voice] "No, he had a great massage."
So, I was like, "Alright, I'll try it out."
So I went for my massage,
and uh, just my luck,
I'm not making this up,
just my luck, when I was there,
they had just passed a law saying,
that these women weren't allowed to uh--
They were no longer allowed to finish you off, with their hands.
They weren't gonna start blowing everybody,
it's not that kind of party, you know what I mean?
'Cause even when they do finish you off with their hands,
it's not done like, you know,
outside of Thailand, like,
over here it'll be considered dirty. Your friend's like,
[Creep voice] "Hey man, you wanna go to a rub-n-tug?"
You know? It's like,
it always has that gross undertone to it.
Like, you go to a rub-n-tug, and the lady's talking shit to you.
[Exaggerated Asian accent] "Oh so big!"
And she's taking her time, and you know--
Not over there.
It has nothing to do with sexuality,
it's just like, you know, to relax you.
So they've got it down to like 2 pumps.
They're like, "Ding ding, get out."
You know what I mean, like--
They don't care how big, how small,
they're like, "Ding ding, get out."
You know what I mean, so--
[Laughter]
So, I'm trying to figure out what's gonna happen
when I go for my massage.
So I go, "What happens?"
He goes, "I don't know, but you're gonna find out."
And I go, "Alright."
I go, "Will they still finish me off?"
"Probably, but I don't know how."
I go, "Ok, great!"
So, I go for my massage,
this cute little Thai lady,
she gives me this great massage.
Down my back, down my legs,
down my feet, up my legs, up my chest,
and then she get's to my hog--
and I know something's gonna happen, right?
But I don't know what, so I just tilt my head back,
and relax, right?
And I feel a wonderful sensation on my weiner,
and I'm thinking maybe she's doing the old,
you know, like the elbow crease,
I don't know, like--
I say "the old," like it's a move, or something, but like--
I mean, I've never had a girl go
"Ooo, you like that?"
I don't know, right? I'm just saying.
I'm thinking maybe she's doing it with her feet, which I like, you know what I mean?
I like women's feet. That works for me.
So, I'm like-- I feel this great sensation, so my curious
side wants to see what's happening, so I look up,
and I swear to God, she's doing this.
[Laughter]
She's giving me the best wrist job I've ever had, in my life!
Like, I didn't know you could do that, with a wrist!
I went back to my hotel room that night, 'cause it felt so good,
I thought I'd give it a shot, you know?
I'm sitting at the edge of my bed, I'm like, "Alright."
[Laughter]
Just a note fellas. If you're gonna try this tonight,
Take your watch off. That's all I'm saying.
[Laughter]
Don't be the reason you have a "bang cock"
♪♪