- I wish I, I wish I knew how to do it.
There's guys in here that know how to build.
I got buddies like this.
They build like a deck on the weekend.
(audience laughter)
You go over to their house and they're always like,
you wanna see the deck I built?
You built a deck, when?
Today?
Today, I took a nap, you built a whole deck?
(audience laughter)
You know guys like this, flatbed F-150.
Sawdust, got a shed in the back out of wood.
I don't do any of this.
I gotta hire, I gotta hire a contractor.
And this guy could tell me anything, I'd believe him.
Every morning, he comes down and it's a different thing.
He's like, Sebastian, can I talk to you for a sec?
My 38 years of contract, I've never seen anything like this.
(audience laughter)
The wall, the wall, the wall.
There's a bend in the wall.
Come on feel it, feel the bend.
Like an idiot I'm like OK, I'll feel the bend.
(audience laughter)
I don't really feel it.
Well, it's there.
We could leave it, it's entirely up to you.
We could leave this wall as-is,
but when you're watching the game on Sunday,
the house could fall down on your family.
(audience laughter)
You tell me.
You ever get a contractor to work at your house?
They do the job, they start it, they get a bigger job.
Now they pull their whole crew.
They work the bigger job, bigger money.
Now you're sittin there, nobody.
I got no floor, no ceiling, nothing.
They send one guy.
After five days, one guy comes strolling in.
Relaxed right, comes strolling in.
Hey.
So where is everybody?
I don't know, I'm here to sweep from side to side.
(audience laughter)
No, Ben told me I gotta dust, I got to sweep it.
I got no floor, I.
What are you guys gonna do here with the floor.
Oh, with the floor, he told me.
He told me he gonna put the chingadera on the side,
the chingadera.
(audience laughter)
What do you know?
I go, chingadera, I never even seen that
(audience laughter) in the architectural drawing.
I don't know what you're talking about.
No, he told me to put the chingadera on the side
and tighten it, you know.
But I don't have it cause I don't got my truck,
I got my Ford Festiva.
You, you gotta go to Home Depot.
You gotta go to Home Depot.
(audience laughter)
You ever go to Home Depot?
Man, that store, I don't fit in.
I don't even have the wardrobe to walk in there.
That's a lot of brown, beige, boots.
Pencil tucked behind the ear.
Tape measures hanging on,
everybody's measuring at Home Depot.
(audience laughter)
How much you need, 1/8th of an inch?
(audience laughter)
I don't know nothing over there.
I gotta ask questions.
I found a woman that worked there and I'm like,
I'm so sorry sweetheart to bother you,
but I've been here for two hours.
I'm looking for a chingadera for the side.
(audience laughter)
No, he told me it was a chingadera for the side.
You don't have that here?
You guys have been great, this has been.
(mellow music)