Hi, my name is Nedra Tawwab
and on this episode of "A Little Bit Better"
we will be talking about people pleasing.
To make it really simple,
I think of people pleasing
as doing things for other people,
and also doing things to make them happy
and suffering inside.
So when you go to the restaurant that you absolutely hate
but your friend loves it and you repeatedly do this,
you are people pleasing.
Sometimes when we're people pleasing
we are thinking that,
"Wow, like I'm extending myself,
I am compromising."
When in actuality,
what we're doing is giving parts of ourself
and not receiving anything back.
If we have very performance-based parents,
where if you do something good you're rewarded
and if you do something bad you're punished,
you will naturally teach yourself
that you have to do certain things
in relationships to be accepted.
And we carry that into our adult relationships
with our friends and partners in our working relationships.
But when we exist in relationships
just to please others,
we are really stepping into codependency
and it's not a healthy way to exist in relationships,
because we should be able to be two separate individuals
and be healthy.
We can have all sorts of differences that are celebrated.
Some tips that I love to stop people pleasing is one,
to consider your intention behind doing something.
Are you doing this because you truly want to do it
or are you doing it because you feel if you don't
the relationship might end,
or the other person would be mad at you.
Two, create healthy relationships with people
where it's okay for you to have a difference of opinion
a different view, or either want or desire something
that's different than what the person is wanting.
Three, if you know you've come from a long line
of people pleasing,
you have to work through those things
and not carry those behaviors
to every type of relationship that you create with people.
So when we're stepping away from people pleasing
it is very uncomfortable to start the conversation
around being assertive.
So do it in very small ways.
When your friend says, you know,
"What do you want to do this weekend?"
That's your time to say,
"I'd like to..." blank, instead of saying your norm of,
"What would you like to do?"
If it's your friend saying like,
"Hey can you take me to the airport?"
"Hey, actually, could you Uber there,
because I don't have the time today to do it."
It may not be having a huge, difficult conversation
but just changing your behaviors as needed.
So when you feel yourself needing to please people
assess whether it's them, or if it's you.
If it's you, do your work around,
"Where did this come from?"
"Why am I doing this?"
"Is this really required and how do I change?"
"How do I start to assert myself
and advocate for the things that I want?"
I would love in the comments
to hear about some ways that you started to assert yourself
in your relationship.
Did you have the big conversation
or did you in small ways just start being assertive?
Please drop a line in the comments.