One of our viewers recently asked me "What to do about parental alienation
syndrome?" I've got some experience with that having been a child custody
evaluator for the courts. Listen up.
For about 13 years of my career, I was a
child custody evaluator appointed by the court to go into a divorcing family and
figure out how to help these people share their kids. Normally when I got
involved, things had gotten pretty messy. These are families who weren't able to
work it out on their own. They didn't come up with any kind of a mediated plan
for how to share their kids. They were fighting. And the conflicts would get
really nasty sometimes. You can't shock me having been through
that experience, I've seen all kinds of high conflict nasty things that happen
in families. And parental alienation is one of these things. Now, this is a term
that was originally coined by Dr. Richard Gardner years ago. And it's
become part of the vocabulary of custody evaluators and judges and attorneys who
work in family law. You've probably come across it as well. Basically what it
means is an active campaign that's undertaken by one or both of the parents
to alienate them from the other children. To put a wedge in to poison the water, so
to speak. So, that the relationship is damaged between the children and the
other parent. There's a lot of reasons why this happens. Psychologically in a
custody case, here's what I've observed: When a divorce happens, the common
thinking is "That person, that nasty terrible horrible, no good, very bad
person that I am divorcing. And there are good reasons why too. I can't have that
person in my life anymore. I can't live with that person. I
don't want to be around that person." And so on and so on. Now, I'm exaggerating
this or am I? No. In some cases, that was underplayed.
But this is the mentality. And with that mentality, think about how important your
kids are to you. Right? And this child that I am so responsible for and that I
love more than anything on earth, can I allow this child that I love so much to
go be with that person that is so terrible that I can't be with them? This
is the mentality that causes parental alienation. I can't allow my child to
experience that terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person. I wouldn't be a
good parent if I allowed my child to be exposed to that. And so, that's how
parental alienation starts. And sometimes it's even a strategic move to obtain or
gain child custody. And that's just foul play if you ask me. That's not fair. It's
not a good way to fight in those cases. But it happens all the time. I've spent
this time defining it describing it telling you where it comes from. I
promise to tell you what to do about it. Knock it off. Don't do it.
Don't go there. I know from a professional standpoint that this
damages children. And I've seen far too many kids hurt by this. Don't do it, don't
go there. I know you'll be tempted to. Okay, you've
got that right because you're approaching this with integrity and
character. And you've got your children's best interest at heart.
But what about that other parent? The one that's doing all of the alienation. Let's
spend the balance of this video talking about what to do if alienation is
happening in the other home. What can you do about that? Before I share those tips
with you, here's a disclaimer: I am NOT your attorney. I am not providing to you
legal counsel. I guess that's a disclaimer for the
video. But also I'm acknowledging you might need it. You might need some legal
counsel. I personally believe that the courts are a terrible place to solve
family problems. Awful, horrendous. It's set up as an adversarial system. And
that's not how families work best. I think it violates all kinds of
principles. Having said that, it's the only place we have to resolve child
custody issues if you can't come to an agreement with the other parent. So, if
that's where you are, you're probably going to need some professional
assistance. I believe that legal counsel is kind of
like dentistry. You don't want to do it yourself. You have a right to but I
haven't seen that work out very well for most people. Get competent legal counsel
if you need it. And please be selective because some attorneys are just in it
for the fight. And fighting is not the best strategy for happy families. Now, I'm
talking as a psychologist, okay? Not your attorney. What can you do if the
alienation dynamic is happening in the other home? Refuse to take the bait.
And you probably know what I mean because they're going to be lobbying
bait your direction to see if you'll bite on the bait. Sometimes this comes
home with the kids. "Hey, dad said the you ___" whatever, okay/ And and it just makes your
blood boil. Or "Well, mom said that you have ___" Okay, if you're getting triggered
like that, that's the bait. Don't bite on the bait. Defensiveness validates
accusation. Write that down somewhere. Defensiveness validates accusation. And
it works contrary to what it is you're trying to accomplish. Don't take the bait.
Do not return fire. Don't fight against the people who are inviting you to fight.
You with me? I like what's called a strategic
non-response. And if if it's clearly bait being lobbed over your direction,
instead of biting on it, you're going to give a strategic non-response. Your own
anxieties are going to be tempting you to violate what I just shared with you.
The strategic non-response. Feels like you're giving in, feels like you're
giving up. Feels like you might even be acknowledging with what they're saying
is true. I think it's just the opposite. I think what you're really saying is, "Hey,
that doesn't really even justify a response from me. That is so far out in
left field. I'm not even going to address that." Do you see how a strategic
non-response might be your best strategy? Here's where it gets tough: When your
kids are asking questions or when your kids bring it up because sometimes they
get to be the messengers of these nasty messages. When your kids are challenging
you about something that is clearly bait that's being lobbed over from the other
side, I think one of the best things that you can do is take yourself out of the
role of trying to explain everything to your kids. Your job is to love them no
matter what and even if. It's not to help them see the truth. It's not to help them
understand the flaws in the arguments that they're hearing in the other home.
These aren't even the kids issues. For the most part, these are things that the
parents need to work out. So, taking that position as you're interacting with your
kids and not taking the bait. I think it's okay to listen with empathy and say,
"Huh. Wow, well what do you think about that?"
See, that's drawing it back out of them. "Well, dad I don't think that you're a bad
guy. Mom, I don't think that you're that evil." See, they're going to have their own
perceptions. And they're just fill in the waters. If you become defensive, it
validates the accusation in their mind. "Well, I can
believe that they said that over there." Do you see how that's going to look to your
kids? You're just taking the bait and you're joining in the fight. You're
returning fire. Don't do it. "What do you think about that, honey? What's been your
experience with me?" Okay? And let it stand on its own 2 feet. That brings me to my
last point. One of the best things you can do about parental alienation
syndrome doesn't even have anything to do with parental alienation syndrome.
Here's the counsel that I've given hundreds of families in this situation.
I'm going to give it to you as well. You create the most stable, sane, loving, warm,
open, communicative environment that you possibly can in your own home. Don't get
distracted by everything that's going on in that other place that you wish would
change or that's driving you nuts or that you feel baited into responding all
of the time. Let that be what it is. Bring your focus back home. This is the place
where you have more control. Right here in your home. Establish that sane loving
stable environment for your children. When they reach a level of emotional
maturity and sometimes this comes years later, okay? But they will see through it.
And I've seen so many examples of parental alienation syndrome backfiring
on the person who is using it as its strategy, it backfires on them at some
point. Because kids love both of their parents. You want to create an
environment where they are free to do so. And they have full permission from you
to love both of their parents. This is not easy to do. I'm I'm asking you to do
a very hard thing here. Because you'll be pulled and baited into the fight. Don't
accept the invitation. Hold your ground, create that stable sane loving
environment at home. Remember your job is to love your kids no matter what and
even if. Don't try to explain all of this to them.
It's not their issue anyway. But bring it home to where you can have the biggest
impact. That's where we can really make a difference. This and a lot of other
really challenging topics are what we're here to help you with. Come to Live On
Purpose Central. There's a link in the description. Click on that and come and
see some of the resources that are available to you to handle the
challenges that come up as we do the most important job in the world --raising
our kids. We've got your back. I'll see you there.