The big event we need to talk about
is the Oscars of politics.
The State of the Union addressed last Thursday night,
Joseph Raisinette Biden the XXII.
[CHEERS]
He had the unenviable task of having to lay out his vision
for the nation whilst also demonstrating that he is not
too old, not too tired to be the president of the
United States.
And that he wouldn't rather just tie thousands of balloons
to the White House and head to Paradise Falls.
[LAUGHTER]
And so, President Biden entered the House Chamber,
navigating through our divided Congress and barely,
barely, barely getting past the bridge troll
who guards the podium.
What say you, sir?
I say to the American people, when America gets
knocked down, we get back up.
My message to President Putin, who
I've known for a long time, is simple, we will not walk away.
Banning books is wrong.
I say stop it.
Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it.
Pass universal background checks.
Send me the border bill now.
The State of our Union is strong and getting stronger.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHANTS]
Which one of you pricks wants to fight?
[LAUGHTER]
Put up your dukes.
Biden's back, baby.
I know that all the haters have been
out there talking their shit.
He's too old.
He's too weak.
He can't make it.
He won't be able to stand.
Oh, I see you haters.
I know who you are.
[LAUGHTER]
Really.
You know, we said in rehearsal, can
you get me a prettier mirror?
And, boy, boy did they deliver.
That is--
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
Of course, by the way, State of the Union
was just the Democratic message.
Would that message survive--
would that message survive a concise and
intelligent rebuttal?
I mean-- Is what happens.
It happened on Thursday.
I should read the whole thing, though, I should.
Would it survive a concise and intelligent rebuttal
from the GOP?
Or whatever it was that Alabama Senator Katie Britt.
To the kitchen, Batman!
Our families are hurting.
Our country can do better.
President Biden's border policies are a disgrace.
Mr President, enough is enough.
End this crisis and stop the suffering.
We see you, we hear you and we stand with you.
[LAUGHTER]
If you're, if you're going to stand with me,
would you stand a little bit further away?
I imagine one of her kids just came downstairs and was
like, I'm sorry, mom, I just came
down to get a bowl of cereal.
I didn't realize you were losing your I didn't realize you were losing your [BLEEP] mind. mind.
I'll come back when the Xannies kick in.
Now, look, everybody's had a bit of a go at Senator Britt
because her rebuttal was objectively terrible,
but there was one moment in her rebuttal
that didn't get as much attention,
that I thought was quite interesting.
We are the party of hard working parents and families.
So I am asking you, for the sake
of your kids and your grandkids, get into the arena.
Never forget.
We are steeped in the blood of patriots
who overthrew the most powerful empire in the world.
Two things.
[LAUGHTER]
One, who smiles when they say the line,
steeped in the blood of patriots?
[LAUGHTER]
And number two, this is just one more entry
in the Republican mythology that they
are the inheritors of the American
revolutionary tradition.
That they somehow are more American
than non-republican Americans.
We are the party of the real American people.
Real America, where people work hard, they're patriotic.
They don't want to transform America
like the Democratic party wants to do.
This liberal bubble in New York or, you know,
in California that don't understand
where real Americans are at.
The Democrat elite--
Very simply hate America.
I don't think they hate America.
They hate room temperature yoga, is really--
[LAUGHTER]
Yoga is supposed to be very hot.
Just out of curiosity, what is it
about the Republican Party that makes it "Americannier"
than the rest of us?
We're the party and ideology of the Constitution.
Every decision that I make, starts
with asking the questions, is this constitutional?
I believe in this document.
I carry it with me next to my heart,
because I refer to it daily.
As we all know, the Constitution
starts with the three most important words outside
the Bible, We, the people.
The power of we, the people.
We, the people.
The Constitution.
We believe in it.
They do not.
[LAUGHTER]
Why-- why did you Why-- why did you [BLEEP] rip it up? rip it up?
That was your copy.
You said that that's what they do.
But you did it, you ripped it off.
Like Sinéad O'Connor is like, I believe in the Pope.
Rip.
But, oh yes, it's an article of faith
that Republicans love the Constitution.
They give speeches in front of the Constitution.
They cover their buses in the Constitution.
They dress up like the people who wrote the Constitution.
Do you, communists?
With your unconstitutioned buses and zero-cornered hats.
That's why these patriots love Donald Trump.
For he alone will restore the rule of law
in our constitutional republic.
Trump's lawyer claimed the president
has a legal license to murder his American political rivals.
[LAUGHTER]
Just going to-- just going to check my-- hold on.
Just gonna check my--
I actually keep my heart next to my Constitution.
[LAUGHTER]
That's how import-- my hands are shaking, I'm so nervous!
[LAUGHTER]
I don't see anything in here about assassinating
your political rivals.
Oh, wait, wait.
Here it is, hold on.
Oh, yes, it says the president must faithfully execute.
Well, I think we're done here.
Oh, sorry.
The laws of the land, never mind.
Well, I don't want to be a nitpicker,
but I do not remember the assassination
episode of Schoolhouse Rock.
Under the Constitution, wouldn't you
get in some trouble for that?
I feel that as a president you have
to have immunity, very simple.
Yes, it is the bedrock American
constitutional principle, the President
must be above the law.
Out of reach of the law.
Look, forget the Constitution, accountability
to the law of the land is basic Magna Carta shit.
[CHEERS]
I keep a tiny Magna Carta in my--
You know what, I'm sorry, this is just a flip book.
Hold on.
Oh, a dog's never going to catch that car.
[LAUGHTER]
Maybe they like Trump because he's
more of a bill of rights guy.
President Trump attacking the first Amendment
and freedom of the press.
You take the writer and or the publisher
of the paper, a certain paper, you know, and you
say, who is the leaker?
National Security.
And they say, we're not going to tell you.
They say, that's OK, you're going to jail.
And when this person realizes that he
is going to be the bride of another prisoner
very shortly--
I believe it was Thomas Jefferson
who once said, our liberty depends
on the freedom of the press.
Though, obviously, as with any right,
there is some wiggle room for non consensual ass--
[BLEEP]
[LAUGHTER]
Don't-- don't blame me, that's Jefferson.
He said that.
Thomas Jefferson.
Look it up.
Hold on, let me get--
But that's the press.
The press are the enemy of the people.
How does Trump feel about freedom of assembly?
He says, can't you just shoot them?
Just shoot them in the legs or something.
And he's suggesting that that's what we should do.
That we should bring in the troops
and shoot the protesters.
The Commander in Chief was suggesting that the US
Military shoot protesters.
- Yes, in the streets-- - American protestors.
--of our Nation's Capital.
That's right.
Well they'd still be free to assemble.
Just the assembly would be more of a pile.
That's all.
But that's just hearsay from Trump's Secretary of defense
at the time.
Look-- How about the Fifth Amendment, due process.
Very simply, if you rob a store,
you can fully expect to be shot as you are leaving that store.
What the - What the [BLEEP] are we doing? are we doing?
You know, I'm pretty sure that shooting a guy on suspicion
of stealing a pair of khakis violates
not only the Constitution but the 10 Commandments
and the Gap Employee Handbook.
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
I promise you that is the end of the things in my jacket.
Now, we've had our fun dancing around the former president's
rather eccentric interpretations
of our country's founding document.
May I offer you something more explicit?
I only want to be a dictator for one day.
[LAUGHTER]
Just so you know, that is how it starts.
I'm not saying anybody has to do the arm salute.
Let's just start with a few people doing the arm salute
and we'll see if the arm salute catches on.
Ignoring the bill of rights, tearing up the Constitution,
pining for a brief stint as a dictator,
well that settles it.
When the good, patriotic, Constitution-loving, real
Americans hear Trump's disrespect and disdain
for our sacred constitutional principles,
they will be outraged.
I'd rather have Donald Trump as a dictator for four years.
Absolutely.
This country needs a dictator.
I hate to say that, but it's the truth.
He could stand on the front steps of the White House
and commit murder and I'm with him.
If he says it, then I'll go with it
and if he wants to be a dictator, then so be it.
This is it.
The Thomas Nast cartoon.
Patriots, festooned in American flags,
co-signing dictatorship.
Remember, we, the people?
You know there's more words after that, right?
Smaller font, still binding.
Look, if you want to love Trump, love him.
Go to the rallies, buy the sneakers.
You want to give him absolute power?
You want him to be the leader über alles?
You want him to have the right of kings?
You do you, but stop framing it as patriotism.
Because the one thing the fact is
that Donald Trump is following the tradition of the founders.
He is advocating for complete and total
presidential immunity.
His words not mine.
That is monarchy shit.
And it's your right to support it, but just do me a favor
for historical accuracy.
Next time you want to dress up at the rallies,
wear the right wear the right [BLEEP] colored coats. colored coats.
That's what you are.
And I just want to tell you this.
And I want you to know, we see you, we hear you.
[LAUGHTER]
Enough.
I can't do it.