MY NEXT GUEST IS A FORMER
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" CAST MEMBER WHO IS HERE MAKING HER
NETWORK STAND-UP DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME, SASHEER ZAMAYTA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( C
>> WOW.
>> ALL RIGHT.
YOU STOPPED.
OKAY.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE!
I'M REALLY GLAD STEPHEN PRONOUNCED MY NAME CORRECTLY.
I MEAN,SH HE WOULD.
I JUST GET WORRIED BECAUSE I'M USED TO WHITE PEOPLE
MISPRONOUNCING MY NAME.
I DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT A RACE THING.
BUT...
( LAUGHTER ) NUMBERS ARE IN, STUDIES HAVE
SHOWN THAT THE DEMOGRAPHIC THAT CONSISTENTLY GETS MY NAME WRONG
ARE CAUCASIAN.
I DID A SHOW ONCE, AND THE HOST WAS WHITE, AND PROBABLY STILL
IS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND SHE COULD NOT GET MY NAME
FOR THE LIFE OF HER.
SHE KEPT SAYING SHA-HEAR, AND MOVING LETTERS AROUND IN MY NAME
AND ATTACKING IT LIKE A SODUKEUE PUZZLE.
I SAID YOU CAN CALL ME SH-SHEER.
AND SHE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID, "CAN I JUST CALL YOU JANE?"
AND I WAS LIKE, "IF YOU WANT TO GIVE ME A SLAVE NAME.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT, JUST CHANGE SOMEONE'S NAME FOR THE
CONVENIENCE!
IS THIS EEP ROOTS'?
ARE YOU TRYING TO TOBY ME."
EVERY TIME THAT HAPPENS I WANT TO GET SNARKY.
SORRY THAT NAME IS TOO ETHNIC FOR YOU.
SO BUT I DON'T REALLY HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY IN THAT REGARD
BECAUSE MY NAME DOESN'T COME FROM ANY AFRICAN OR ISLAND
CULTURE.
IT'S FROM "STAR TREK."
( APPLAUSE ) MY PARENTS ARE TREKKIES.
AND THEY WERE REALLY INTO TREKKIE CULTURE.
MY MOM FOUND THE ORIGINAL SCRIPT WHERE MY NAME COMES FROM, AND
REALIZED THAT MY PARENTS ACCIDENTALLY MISSPELLED MY NAME.
SO SHE SHOWED ME THE SCRIPT AND SHE GOES, "DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE
THE SPELLING OF YOUR NAME?
JUST FOR ACCURACY PURPOSES."
AND I WAS LIKE, "NO.
I WAS 20 YEARS OLD WHEN SHE SHOWED THAT TO ME.
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS THE WAY TOO LATE.
AND I WAS LIKE, "ALSO, ARE YOU TRYING TO TOBY ME RIGHT NOW?"
BUT I DIDN'T LIKE IT.
I DIDN'T LIKE HAVING A NAME FROM "STAR TREK."
I REALLY WANTED A NAME THAT CONNECTED ME TO MY CULTURE LIKE
THE NAME OF AN AFRICAN COUNTRY OR A TRIBE OR SOMETHING.
BUT THEN I GOT OLDER AND I STARTED TO REALIZE THAT I HAVE
NO NEED TO FEEL THAT WAY BECAUSE MY NAME DOES CONNECT ME TO MY
CULTURE.
AND IT REMIND ME THAT I'M PART AN EVEN SMALLER MINORITY-- BLACK
NERDS.
( APPLAUSE ) AND OUR STRUGGLE IS REAL!
( LAUGHTER ) I'M EXCITED TO LET YOU GUYS KNOW
THAT I WENT CAMPING FOR THE FIRST TIME RECENTLY.
( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU SO MUCH.
IT IS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT.
I'LL NEVER DO IT AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) MY BOYFRIEND IS WHITE, AND HE
TOOK ME TO HIS HOMELAND OF MISSOURI TO DO THIS.
( LAUGHTER ) AND WE PULLED UP TO THE CAMPSITE
AND THERE WERE JUST WHITE PEOPLE AS FAR AS THE EYE COULD SEE.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE DOING.
I FEEL LIKE WHITTLING WAS INVOLVED.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT I DID SEE ONE BLACK GUY FROM
AFAR, AND I KEPT TRYING TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH HIM LIKE, "ARE
YOU OKAY?
( LAUGHTER ) ARE WE GOING TO BE OKAY?
IS THIS A 'GET OUT' SITUATION?"
BUT WE GOT OUT.
OR I DID.
I DIDN'T SEE HIM BY THE END OF THE TRIP.
AND MY BOYFRIEND AND I WERE GETTING READY TO GO SWIM IN THE
RIVER, AND THE WAY HE WAS GETTING READY WAS, LIKE, PUTTING
ON PRESCRIPTION SUNSCREEN AND LONG-SLEEVED SWIM SHIRT, AND
LONG SWIM SHORTS.
AND THIS IS ALL FOREIGN TO ME BECAUSE I HAVE MELANIN.
( LAUGHTER ) I JUST SPRAY A LITTLE SUNSCREEN
AND GO.
AND IT'S JUST FURTHER PROOF TO ME THAT WHITE PEOPLE AREN'T MADE
FOR THIS EARTH.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
LIKE, Y'ALL CAN'T HANDLE OUTSIDE.
( LAUGHTER ) MY BOYFRIEND AND I JUST HIT FOUR
YEARS OF DATING.
( APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU!
THANKS!
IT'S BEEN FUN.
IT'S BEEN REALLY FUN.
AND PEOPLE HAVE TOLD ME THAT IT TAKES A LOT OF WORK TO KEEP A
RELATIONSHIP HEALTHY AND SUCCESS SUCCESSFUL.
BUT I FEEL LIKE I'M DOING MOST OF THE WORK BECAUSE I'M FIXING
HIM.
AND I DON'T WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE GIRLFRIENDS THAT'S LIKE,
"I NEED TO CHANGE MY MAN.
I NEED TO FIX HIM," BECAUSE I LOVE HIM THE WAY HE IS.
BUT EVERYTHING HE DOES IS WRONG.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I NEED TO CHANGE HIM.
I LIKE FOR PEOPLE TO TAKE THEIR SHOES OFF WHEN THEY ENTER MY
HOME.
AND HE DOES THAT FOR THE MOST PART, BUT SOMETIMES HE FORGETS.
AND I HAVE ALL WOOD FLOORS IN MY APARTMENT AND A BIG RUG IN THE
LIVING ROOM, AND ONE DAY WE WERE TRYING TO LEAVE AND HE GOES,
"BABE, I HAVE MY SHOES ON, BUT DON'T WORRY, I'M STANDING ON THE
RUG."
( LAUGHTER ) AND I WAS LIKE, "WHAT LOGIC ARE
WE WORKING WITH HERE?" WHEN HE SAW THE WOOD FLOORS DID
HE SEE LAVA?
( LAUGHTER ) SO I HAVE TO FIX THESE THINGS.
AND I CAN'T TELL IF I'M FIXING HIM FOR ME OR FOR HIS NEXT
GIRLFRIEND.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE IF WE BREAK UP AND HE
STARTS DATING SOMEONE ELSE, HE'S GOING TO TAKE HIS SHOES OFF AT
THE DOOR.
AND SHE'S WILLING GOING TO BE LIKE, "HE'S SO CLEAN.
HE'S SO CONSCIENTIOUS."
NO, BITCH, THAT WAS ME!
( APPLAUSE ) ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, GUYS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HER SPECIAL, "PIZZA
MIND," IS AVAILABLE FOR STREAMING ON AMAZON.
SASHEER ZAMAYTA, EVERYBODY!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.