♪♪♪ >> Announcer: IT'S WEEKEND
UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?
>> WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE. I'M COLIN JOST.
>> I'M MICHAEL CHE. >> THIS SATURDAY MORNING WHILE
HIS NURSE WAS AT TEMPLE, GRANDPA SHUFFLED OUT OF HIS ROOM AND GOT
INTO HIS TWITTER ACCOUNT WITHOUT OFFERING ANY EVIDENCE
WHATSOEVER, PRESIDENT TRUMP >> IS IT LEGAL FOR A SITTING
PRESIDENT TO BE WIRETAPPING A RACE FOR A
PRESIDENT PRIOR TO AN ELECTION? DUDE YOU ARE THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES AND YOU ARE SEEKING LEGAL ADVICE ON TWITTER?
THAT'S LIKE YOUR DOCTOR TWEET OUT, HEY DOES THIS LOOK
INFECTED? BUT THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS
ALLEGATION FOR A SITTING PRESIDENT TO MAKE ABOUT HIS
PREDECESSOR. AND YOU KNOW THAT BECAUSE HIS
VERY NEXT TWEET WAS -- "ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER ISN'T
VOLUNTARILY LEAVING "THE APPRENTICE,' HE WAS FIRED BY HIS
BAD RATINGS." THIS GUY'S TRAIN OF THOUGHT IS
JUST BAFFLING. HE'S LIKE A CRAZY GUY ON THE
SUBWAY YELLING, THEY'RE TAPPING MY PHONE!
SCHWARZENEGGER SUCKS. I CAN LICK MY OWN ELBOW.
DONALD, FORGET ABOUT "THE APPRENTICE" ALREADY.
YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT NOW. YOU ARE THE EXECUTIVE PRODUCER
OF THE FREE WORLD. IT IS A MUCH MORE IMPORTANT
SHOW. AND YOUR RATINGS ARE DEAD LAST.
>> I DO HOWEVER HAVE TO GIVE TRUMP SOME CREDIT THOUGH.
EARLIER THIS WEEK, HE WAS ABLE TO SPEAK LIKE A HUMAN PRESIDENT
FOR OVER AN HOUR. IN FACT, 78% OF AMERICANS HAD A
POSITIVE REACTION TO TRUMP'S SPEECH.
BUT THAT'S BECAUSE THE BAR WAS SET AT READ WORDS GOOD.
IT IS NOT AN ENCOURAGING SIGN WE ARE HOLDING THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES TO THE SAME STANDARD AS ANY BAR MITZVAH BOY.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP'S SPEECH WAS MET WITH SILENCE FROM THE
DEMOCRATIC PARTY AND WITH CHEERS FROM THE SAUSAGE PARTY.
>> FEMALE DEMOCRATS WORE ALL WHITE OUTFITS TO SHOW THEIR
SUPPORT FOR THE WOMEN'S SUFFRAGE MOVEMENT.
EITHER THAT OR THEY WERE ABOUT TO GO TO A PARTY AT P-DIDDY'S
HOUSE. >> PRESIDENT TRUMP APPEARED
OPTIMISTIC SAYING, EVERYTHING THAT IS BROKEN IN OUR COUNTRY
CAN BE FIXED. WHICH IS HARD TO BELIEVE COMING
FROM A GUY WHO SPENT THE BETTER PART OF HIS LIFE AS A SLUMLORD.
WHENEVER A BAD LANDLORD SAYS THEY'RE GOING TO FIX WHAT'S
BROKEN THEY SEND SOME RUSSIAN GUY TO DO IT.
>> A LARGE PART OF DONALD TRUMP'S SPEECH ON TUESDAY
INVOLVED IMMIGRATION REFORM. WHICH TRUMP ARGUING THAT WE
SHOULD SWITCH BETWEEN MERIT BASED SYSTEM.
AND IT'S TRUE UNSKILLED IMMIGRANTS COMING TO THE U.S.
COST TAXPAYERS MONEY. BUT THE SECOND GENERATION OF
IMMIGRANTS ADDS HUGE VALUE TO THE ECONOMY.
AND BY THE THIRD GENERATION, THEY'RE PRESIDENT.
>> A MERIT BASED SYSTEM IS CONTRARY TO THE WHOLE IDEA OF
AMERICA. MY IRISH ANCESTORS CERTAINLY
DIDN'T COME HERE BECAUSE THEY WERE THE BEST AND THE BRIGHTEST.
THEY CAME HERE BECAUSE GOD TOOK THEIR POTATOES AWAY.
AND NOW, AFTER DECADES OF HARD WORK, THEY HAVE LITERALLY DOZENS
OF POTATOES. THAT'S PROGRESS.
MICHAEL? >> AT LEAST THEY HAD A CHOICE.
>> PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID -- >> PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THAT HIS
BUDGET WILL HELP ENLARGE WHAT HE -- CALLED A DEPLETED MILITARY.
DEPLETED MILITARY IN RELATION TO WHAT, THE DEATH STAR.
I THINK OUR MILITARY HAS BODY DYSMORPHIA.
YEAH. WE'RE LIKE THAT ROIDED OUT GUY
AT THE GYM SLAMMING PLATES AROUND STILL WORKING ON OUR
TRAPS. AND IT'S LIKE, YEAH, DUDE, WE
GET IT, YOU'RE STRONG. MAYBE FOCUS ON EDUCATION NOW.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> FORMER KENTUCKY GOVERNOR
STEVE BASHEAR THEN GAVE THE DEMOCRATIC RESPONSE TO PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S SPEECH, FROM WHAT APPEARED TO BE A PUBLIC SCHOOL
CAFETERIA WHERE THE LIGHTS WERE RUNNING ON A BACKUP GENERATOR.
THIS DIDN'T EXACTLY INSPIRE CONFIDENCE IF YOU'RE A DEMOCRAT.
IT LOOKS LIKE HE WAS TRYING TO SELL MY GRANDPARENTS COLONIAL
PENN LIFE INSURANCE. WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE DOESN'T
MATTER. >> I'M A PROUD DEMOCRAT.
BUT FIRST AND FOREMOST. I'M A PROUD REPUBLICAN.
AND MOSTLY AMERICAN. >> WOW, CONGRATULATIONS,
DEMOCRATS, AND REPUBLICANS, BUT MOSTLY AMERICANS.
DEMOCRATS HAVE TO STOP FORCING NEW LEADERS ON US.
JUST LET US FIND SOMEONE WHO VOTERS RESPOND TO NATURALLY.
PASSIONATELY. AND THEN WORK VERY HARD TO MAKE
SURE HE DOESN'T GET THE NOMINATION.
>> KELLYANNE CONWAY WAS WIDELY CRITICIZED THIS WEEK AFTER BEING
PHOTOGRAPHED KNEELING ON A COUCH IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
AND SURE IT DOES KIND OF LOOK LIKE SHE IS SEARCHING FOR A
FLORIDA PLAY LIST TO MAKE HER BLACK FRIENDS DANCE, BUT I AM
NOT GOING NOT GOING TO MAKE FUN OF HER.
I ACTUALLY FEEL BAD FOR KELLY ANNE CONWAY, BECAUSE HER JOB
SUCKS. YOU KNOW, LIKE WHEN AN AIRLINE
LOSES YOUR LUGGAGE, AND YOU CAN'T TALK TO THE CEO, SO YOU
JUSTENED UP SCREAMING AT SOME FRAZZLED LADY NOW GOT TO SPEND
HER LUNCH BREAK CRYING INTO A LEAN CUISINE?
WELL THAT LADY IS KELLYANNE CONWAY.
THAT'S HER DAY. WE WALL HAVE HAD ROUGH JOBS.
COULD YOU IMAGINE BEING CUSTOMER SERVICE FOR DONALD TRUMP?
I MEAN, LOOK AT HER DOES SHE LOOK LIKE SHE IS IN CONTROL?
SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE SHOULD BE ON AN INFOMERCIAL YELLING, BUT
THERE HAS GOT TO BE A BETTER WAY.
>> THIS WEEK IT WAS REVEALED THAT ATTORNEY GENERAL
JEFF SESSIONS MET WITH THE AMBASSADOR TO RUSSIA DURING THE
CAMPAIGN, EVEN THOUGH HE DENIED SUCH A MEETING DURING HIS
CONFIRMATION HEARING. NOW, SAYING NO TO A QUESTION
WHEN THE ANSWER IS YES, MIGHT SEEM LIKE A BLACK AND WHITE
ISSUE. REMEMBER, BLACK AND WHITE ISSUES
ARE WHAT JEFF SESSIONS IS WORST AT.
THE SILVER LINING IS THAT NOW WHEN YOU GOOGLE JEFF SESSIONS,
JEFF SESSIONS RUSSIA COMES UP BEFORE JEFF SESSIONS RACIST.
SO THAT'S AN IMPROVEMENT. >> ACCORDING TO REPORTS WHILE
MIKE PENCE WAS GOVERNOR OF INDIANA HE USED A PERSONAL AOL
E-MAIL ACCOUNT TO DISCUSS SENSITIVE MATTERS, INCLUDING
HOMELAND SECURITY. PENCE SAID HE CHOSE AOL BECAUSE
HOTMAIL WAS FORBIDDEN BY HIS
TOOK YOU A LITTLE WHILE.