(guitar)(audience cheering)
- [Emcee] Welcome to Set List Stand Up Without a Net
Live at Nerdmelt!
(audience cheering and clapping)
Will you welcome the never before seen set list
of Dana Gould. (audience cheering and clapping)
(audience laughing)
- [Dana] Well first of all, episode,
episode three has been made.
It's called Attack of the Clones.
Here's the amazing thing about Star Wars,
and I think Star Wars actually
represents America wonderfully,
because it is a ginormous franchise,
that occupies people's lives,
and when you look at the totality
of the output, there's almost four hours of quality.
(audience laughing)
Well, there was one scene in one of the movies where,
he's talking, to the, girl, and there's a,
there's a robot, flies up to the window
and starts washing the windows, behind him.
Now, anybody who knew what they were doing would go,
"Cut. Get that outta there please."
(audience laughing)
He actually spent money to put it in there.
(audience laughing)
If he directed Jaws, like when the shark came up,
there would also be a pelican fighting a hang glider.
(audience laughing)
"I wanna watch it-" no, no, there's also this.
(audience laughing)
Because people need to hear "no".
Look, I'm gonna draw a crazy analogy.
Pole Pot.
(audience laughing)
That is the mentality that leads you to Jawas slipping
on Tauntaun shit in Mos Eisley.
(audience laughing and clapping)
You need to hear the word "no".
And, what is amazing about Star Wars,
the first film, by which I mean the fourth film...
(audience laughing)
It is not dated in the effects, it is dated in the...
The Sigfried and Roydian femininity of Mark Hamill.
(audience loudly laughing)
In today's cinema market, you could never have the hero
of the movie going, "But I was on my way to
Tashi station to pick up some power converters!"
(audience laughing and clapping)
Matt Selman, of the Simpsons, a very good friend of mine,
had a genius observation.
When R2 and 3PO are in the ready room,
and they're are in the trash compactor,
R2 goes (beeping sounds), and he goes,
"The comlink? I almost forgot. I turned it off."
He's a robot. (audience laughing)
He can't forget a fucking thing.
(audience laughing)
Sometimes, in your favorite science fiction movies,
there are glaring lapses in logic.
The original Planet of the Apes...
I totally believe it. I buy it 100 percent.
Then there's a scene where Charlton Heston
is in this cell, and he's talking
to Nova, the mute, native of the planet,
and he's referring to the female astronaut
on their ship that died upon landing.
I'm sure you all remember it, I'm sure you've seen the film.
I don't know why I'm suddenly talking like Albert Brooks.
But it'll help the story.
Okay.
(audience laughing)
If you've ever seen Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes...
I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say
it's worse than a million 9/11s.
(audience laughing and making embarrassed sounds)
So I buy that he's on a planet,
run by apes.
I buy it.
But then he goes,
"Did I tell you about Stewart?
There was a lovely girl, the most,
precious cargo we brought along, she was,
to be the New Eve, with our hot and, eager help of course".
Really? Was that her job on the mission?
(audience laughing)
I bet she thought she was the botanist.
(audience laughing)
But that will be, was at least, palatable,
as opposed to the vast, and I would say
unconscionable religion that has grown up
around the Star Wars films,
that I find inconceivable.
It's the same, it's like, why do Latinos like Morrisey?
I can't figure it out.
(audience laughing)
(hip hop beat)
- [Emcee] Dana Gould!
(audience cheering)
(synth beats)
(card shuffling)