-Welcome, welcome, to "The Tonight Show."
[ Cheering and applause ]
Thank you, guys, so much for being here.
Let's get to some jokes here.
Last night was
the National Christmas Tree Lighting
and, during his speech, President Biden tried
to thank LL Cool J for hosting.
But I think he was a little confused about who LL Cool J is.
[ Laughter ] Watch this.
-A special thanks to "The Tonight Show's"
[ Monotone ] LL Cool J.
[ Laughter ] I tell you, what, man.
He looks like he can still play.
And I'm not talking about instruments.
I'm talking about football or something.
[ Laughter ] That man is --
Anyway, I tell you what.
[ Laughter and ohs ]
You know, it wouldn't be the holidays
without Grandpa saying something
that makes you go, "Oh, jeez! Alright. Alright.
[ Laughter and applause ] Get him outta here."
Biden's staff was going, "Quick, turn on the tree.
Turn on the tree!"
[ Laughter ]
An aide was like, "How did that happen?"
Literally the only thing on the prompter was...
[ Laughter and applause ]
To be fair, LL Cool J did play professional football.
In the 1999 movie "Any Given Sunday."
[ Laughter and applause ]
It got worse when Biden said, "Anyway, thanks to --
for whatever you do, L.L.Bean J."
[ Laughter and applause ]
L.L.Bean J.
Meanwhile, today Biden was delivering remarks
on the economy and he didn't really
sound like himself. Listen to this.
-[ Baritone ] The CEOs of not only the --
[ Laughter ] the -- the -- the suppliers,
but the CEOs of UPS and FedEx,
which are on track to deliver more packages than ever.
[ Laughter ] -Yeah.
-That was real? -That's real, yeah.
There he is, President Groot.
[ Laughter and applause ] Obama was like --
[ As Obama ] Sounds like the job's got you smoking, too.
[ Laughter ]
Overnight, Biden suddenly turned into Brad Garrett.
[ As Garrett ] Raymond, Raymond.
[ Laughter ]
Even Shaq was like --
[ As Shaq ] What's up with that voice?
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ] Instead of "Hail to the Chief,"
Biden now walks out to this -- [ Yello's "Oh Yeah" plays ]
-♪ Oh yeah ♪
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ] ♪♪
-[ Mouthing words ] -♪ Oh yeah ♪
[ Laughter ]
This is good news -- last night, just hours before the deadline,
Congress reached a deal to avoid a government shutdown.
[ Cheering and applause ] Yes.
A government shutdown.
You know these are crazy times,
when the government almost shuts down
and most Americans are like, "Meh.
[ Laughter ] Hey, add it to the pile."
[ Laughter ] Yeah, the government is now
funded through February 18th.
It's basically Congress' version of repeatedly clicking
"Remind me tomorrow" on a software update.
[ Laughter and applause ] It's like, "No, no, I just want
to check my emails. Not yet, no. Don't update. Don't."
Some business news -- Bath & Body Works'
big annual scented candle sale starts today...
[ Cheering and applause ]
...and people take this sale very seriously.
This morning, there was a 30-minute wait
to even get on the website.
-Ooh. -It is so popular that, this year,
there's a limit of 18 candles per customer,
so you're only allowed to buy
18 scented Bath & Body Works candles, max.
[ Laughter ]
-Well?
-Well, what?
-Well, what 18 Bath & Body Works candles are you going to buy?
[ Laughter ]
-That's easy. It's a no-brainer.
Winter Candy Apple, Mahogany Balsam,
Mahogany Teakwood, Holiday, Hot Cocoa & Cream,
Sugared Snickerdoodle, Snowflakes & Citrus,
Flannel, Fresh Balsam, Peppermint Sugar Cookie,
Champagne Toast, Marshmallow Fireside,
Frosted Cranberry, Tis the Season,
Under the Christmas Tree, Bright Christmas Morning.
Maybe two classics, like Vanilla Balsam
and Frosted Coconut Snowball.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
-Whoa.
Wait, you're not -- you're not getting anything
from Bath & Body Works White Barn collection?
What about like Eucalyptus Snowfall,
Sweater Weather, or Iced Cranberry Scone?
[ Laughter ] -Whoo!
-I mean, I guess I could see
swapping out Mahogany Balsam for an Iced Vanilla Woods.
[ Laughter ] I did have my eye
on that new metallic jar trio
with Winterberry Wreath, Falling Snow, and Midnight Snow.
I mean, it's two snows in one.
[ Laughter ] -Plus, come on.
This year's Joy Love Peace Hope collection?
Two all-new scents --
Iced Raspberry Bellini and Cotton Candy Champagne.
-Still come with the Winter Peach Marshmallow,
though, right? -[ Chuckling ] Oh,
you tell me. -Oh!
[ Cheering and applause ] That's my dude.
-Waiting all year for this, man.
-[ Laughing ] That's my dude.
[ Laughter ] Oh, no, wait, Higgins.
[ Ohs and applause ] Higgins,
[ Laughter ] are you eating a melted candle?
-No!
I filled this thing up with pudding.
[ Laughter ] -Oh, okay. Well, what flavor?
-Pine. -Ah, very nice.
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
Well, I -- -Mmm!
[ Laughter ]
So good.
[ Slurping ] -I read that...
[ Laughter ] Turn the lights.
Turn the tree on! Turn the tree on!
[ Laughter and applause ]
I read that Zoom just rolled out
a new feature called Attendance Status
that makes it easier to see who's at a meeting
and whether anyone showed up late,
[ Ohs and booing ] which is why they're
changing the name from Zoom to...
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Come on! -Come on, man.
And now Skype is trying to capitalize on this.
That's right, their new motto is
"Skype -- where snitches get stitches."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Well, it's the holiday season
and everyone's getting packages delivered,
but there's one house in Tennessee
that might have taken it a little too far.
Check this out.
[ Ohs and laughter ] Look at this.
Look at that. That's what happens when you
give a three-year-old your phone for five minutes.
[ Laughter ] That's what.
The UPS guy's going to lose his mind when the owner's like,
"I need to make a very large return."
[ Laughter ]
Also, I saw that a bride in North Carolina went viral
for celebrating her wedding
with a mannequin of her husband
because he got food poisoning on the big day.
Check this out. It's real. Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
Their wedding was actually delayed twice because of COVID
and then, the groom got food poisoning.
And, each time, the bride said, "God, if I'm making a mistake,
give me a sign.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Give me --"
Guys, the NFL just suspended three players,
including Tampa Bay Buccaneers star receiver Antonio Brown,
for turning in fake vaccine cards.
The NFL got suspicious when, under doctor,
it said "Aaron Rodgers."
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of football, we're in the middle
of NFL season and this Sunday night's game has
the Denver Broncos facing off
against the Kansas City Chiefs!
[ Cheering and applause ] Now, as you know,
at the end of every season, they give out awards,
like Most Valuable Player, but they also give out awards
during the season. I'll show you what I mean.
It's time for "Tonight Show Superlatives." Here we go.
[ Cheering and applause ]
-♪ Tonight Show ♪
♪ Superlatives ♪
-Our first player is from the Broncos. It's...
He was voted...
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ High-pitched ] Do you accept this rose?
[ Laughter ] Next up from the Chiefs is...
[ Laughter ] He was voted...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up from the Broncos is...
He was voted...
[ Laughter ]
"She loves you, bro!
[ Laughter ]
She just needs to hear it from you."
[ Laughter ]
Next up from the Broncos is...
He was voted...
[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
[ Rimshot ]
"Is Papa Roach still playing?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
Papa Roach. -Alright.
Next from the Chiefs is...
He was voted...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up from the Chiefs is...
He was voted...
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next up from the Chiefs is...
He was voted...
[ Laughter and applause ]
"Let me check the back.
I'll check the back on that.
Is that the one you want? Which one?"
[ Mouthing words ] -♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
Finally, from the Chiefs is...
He was voted...
[ Cheering and applause ] There you have it.
Those are your "Superlatives"!
Guys, we have exactly 11 shows left
before we go on Christmas break, which means it's time
for that beloved "Tonight Show" tradition.
It's time for "12 Days of Christmas Sweaters!"
[ Cheers and applause ]
-♪ 12 days of Christmas sweaters ♪
♪ 11 days left ♪
-That's right.
Every show between now and Christmas,
we'll be giving one lucky audience member
a stupendous Christmas sweater
from the Countdown to Christmas cabinet.
Now since there are 11 shows left,
let's open door number 11!
I'll let you do it. I'll let you do it.
Okay. Oh, my!
Now, come on, now!
♪♪
Let's see what it is. Oh, my goodness.
Sure, sure, yeah.
That is un-- No one has something like that.
Look at that thing. A frog.
Good Lord!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Good.
Wow!
Well, how about the back?
Ooh. [ Laughs ]
Oh, yeah! Oh, my gosh.
Let's see who's going home with tonight's sweater.
Some lucky person is going to go home in that sweater.
Everyone, look at your seat number, okay?
If I call your number, come on down.
Quest, can I get a drumroll, please?
[ Drum roll ]
257!
♪♪
Come on down!
You're going the long way?
Oh, my gosh.
♪♪
Welcome!
Go over that way.
Nice to see you!
Oh, yeah. Hi, welcome. How are you?
I love that you're three seats from that way.
But you're one of those people.
You're one of those people that got up and made 12 people move.
[ Laughter ]
Hi, what is your name?
-I'm Xibo. I'm from China.
-No way! Welcome! Thank you for being here.
-Thank you.
-You see our show in China?
-Yeah like, back in China, I started watching your show.
-I'm so excited. I'm so happy that you're here.
I love the sweater you have on, but I think --
-Should I put it on now?
-I think you should.
Yeah, I really do. I really do.
I think this is -- it's a special --
Yes. Yes! That's exactly right!
♪♪
[ Laughs ] Oh, it's so good.
It's so good. It's so good.
[ Laughing ] Oh, my goodness!
Get her hair! Get her hair.
Oh, look at --
Oh, my God, look at this! Are you kidding me?
[ Cheers and applause ] Let me see.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!
[ Laughs ]
You make it look cute. -Thank you.
-You make it look cute.
Let's give our winner a round of applause.
Thank you for coming all the way from China.
You can go up that side. It's much faster, yeah.
Stick around -- we're playing "Password"
with Tyler Perry and Michael Bublé after the break.
Come on back.
♪♪