LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILL BURR! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
♪ >> THANK YOU
THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU.
I AM SO -- I AM SO EXCITED TO BE HERE
I HAVE BEEN DOING STANDUP FOREVER.
AND THIS HAS ALWAYS BEEN A LIFELONG DREAM OF MINE TO COME
AND HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. SO THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING
OUT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
COMING OUT DURING THESE DIFFICULT TIMES.
YOU GOT TO LOOK LIKE SURGEONS WITH YOUR MASKS ON
MAKES ME FEEL COMFORTABLE THAT YOU'RE WEARING MASKS
I LIKE PEOPLE WHO WEAR MASKS THAT'S GOOD.
YOU'RE LISTENING TO THE EGGHEADS
THE PEOPLE WE ALL CHEATED OFF OF IN HIGH SCHOOL, RIGHT?
KEEP LISTENING TO THEM AND THEN IF YOU DON'T WEAR A
MASK, THAT DOESN'T BUG ME EITHER, RIGHT?
TAKE OUT YOUR GRAND PARENTS. YOU KNOW
TAKE OUT YOUR WEAK COUSIN WITH THE ASTHMA, I DON'T CARE
IT'S YOUR DECISION THERE'S TOO MANY PEOPLE.
IT'S A DREAM COME TRUE IF YOU'RE THAT DUMB AND YOU WANT
TO KILL YOUR OWN FAMILY MEMBERS, BY ALL MEANS, DO IT.
STOPS YOU FROM REPRODUCING IT'S LITERALLY A DREAM COME
TRUE AND SPEAKING OF DREAMS COME
TRUE -- DID YOU SEE RICK MORANIS GOT SUCKER PUNCHED ON THE UPPER
WEST SIDE? NEW YORK IS BACK, BABY
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE NEW YORK IS BACK, YES!
WE LOST OUR X-FACTOR FOR A MINUTE
CITY STARTED LOOKING LIKE A GIANT BED, BATH & BEYOND
THEN BAM RICKY TOOK ONE IN THE CHOPS.
IT HAD TO HAPPEN THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
STICK AN M&Ms STORE IN TIMES SQUARE, ALL RIGHT?
THE UNIVERSE HAS TO BALANCE ITSELF
GET THE PEEP SHOWS BACK IN TIMES SQUARE, OLD PEOPLE CAN WALK
SAFELY 40 BLOCKS AWAY. I DON'T KNOW
I'LL PROBABLY GET CANCELED FOR DOING THAT, YOU KNOW, HOW STUPID
THAT IS CANCELED THING THEY'RE LITERALLY RUNNING OUT OF
PEOPLE TO CANCEL THEY'RE GOING AFTER DEAD PEOPLE
NOW. THEY'RE TRYING TO CANCEL JOHN
WAYNE. IT'S LIKE, GOD DID THAT 40 YEARS
AGO. THEY'RE ALL UP IN ARMS
THEY'RE LIKE DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID IN THAT INTERVIEW IN
"PLAYBOY" IN 1970? CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT
IT'S LIKE, YEAH. HE WAS BORN IN 1907.
THAT'S WHAT THESE PEOPLE SOUNDED LIKE
YOU NEVER TALKED TO YOUR GRANDPARENTS AND BROUGHT UP THE
WRONG SUBJECT? ALL OF A SUDDEN THEY WENT OFF
THE RAILS? LIKE OH, GOD
KEEP MAKING THE COOKIES. YEAH, DON'T BRING UP RACE OR
RELIGION WITH YOUR GRANDPARENTS. YOU KEEP IT SIMPLE
ANYWAY, I DON'T KNOW I KNOW, I GET -- MY GRANDPARENTS
ARE OLDER, I DON'T KNOW. PLOWING AHEAD.
PLOWING AHEAD, LET'S TALK -- LET'S TALK WHITE WOMEN HERE,
SHALL WE LET'S TALK WHITE WOMEN
AMAZING. AMAZING YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
OVER THE LAST FEW YEARS. THE WAY WHITE WOMEN SOMEHOW
HIJACKED THE WOKE MOVEMENT GENERALS AROUND THE WORLD SHOULD
BE ANALYZING THIS. TO REFRESH YOUR MEMORY, THE WOKE
MOVEMENT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT PEOPLE OF COLOR.
NOT GETTING OPPORTUNITIES. FINALLY MAKING THAT HAPPEN
IT WAS ABOUT THAT, FOR ABOUT EIGHT SECONDS.
THEN SOMEHOW, WHITE WOMEN SWUNG THEIR GUCCI-BOOTED FEET OVER THE
FENCE OF OPPRESSION AND STUCK THEMSELVES AT THE FRONT OF THE
LINE I DON'T KNOW HOW THEY DID IT
I'VE NEVER HEARD SO MUCH COMPLAINING IN MY LIFE FROM
WHITE WOMEN. I'M HURT
WITH MY SUV AND HEATED SEATS YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO BE ME TRASHING WHITE GUYS.
THE NERVE. WHERE'S THE CAMERA
THE NERVE OF YOU WHITE WOMEN [ LAUGHTER ]
I DON'T WANT TO SPEAK ILL OF MY BITCHES HERE, OKAY
I KNOW LET'S GO BACK IN HISTORY HERE,
OKAY YOU GUYS STOOD BY US TOXIC WHITE
MALES THROUGH CENTURIES OF OUR CRIMES AGAINST HUMANITY.
YOU ROLLED AROUND IN THE BLOOD MONEY.
OCCASIONALLY WHEN YOU WANTED TO SNEAK OFF AND HOOK UP WITH A
BLACK DUDE, IF YOU GOT CAUGHT, YOU SAID IT WASN'T CONSENSUAL.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT YOU DID! THAT'S WHAT YOU DID!
SO WHY DON'T YOU SHUT UP, SIT DOWN NEXT TO ME, AND TAKE YOUR
TALKING-TO [ LAUGHTER ]
[ APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU.
SO, I HAVEN'T BEEN IN NEW YORK FOR ABOUT A YEAR, YOU KNOW
I WAS HERE LAST YEAR, SHOOTING A MOVIE.
HAD A GREAT TIME WITH JUDD APATOW, PETE DAVIDSON, AND ALL
THE GUYS [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
YES, HAD A GREAT TIME. AND I HAVEN'T BEEN HERE IN LIKE
13 YEARS I IMMEDIATELY NOTICED HOW EXTRA
CROWDED THE CITY WAS I WAS GETTING CLAUSE TRO PHOBIC.
WHAT'S GOING ON? PEOPLE NOT USING SAFE SEX,
MAKING ALL THESE BABIES, YOU KNOW
SO I FINALLY WALKED UP TO THIS NEW YORK DOOR GUY, WHAT'S GOING
ON WHAT'S WITH ALL THESE PEOPLE
HE'S LIKE, OH, NO, DON'T WORRY, IT'S JUNE.
HE GOES, IT'S PRIDE MONTH. AND I'M LIKE, WHAT'S THAT?
YOU KNOW I'M 52, NEVER HEARD OF IT,
RIGHT? DIDN'T HAVE THAT WHEN I WAS A
KID. HE GOES, GAY PRIDE MONTH
AND I WAS JUST LIKE, OOOH! YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE JUST STUCK
IN THE MATRIX AND YOU CAN'T -- EVERYTHING'S PRESSED UP, YOU
CAN'T SEE ANYTHING SOMEBODY GIVES YOU THAT NUGGET
OF INFORMATION THAT PULLS IT BACK
WHY'S IT SO CROWDED? IT'S GAY PRIDE MONTH
OH TANK TOPS!
ZERO PERCENT BODY FAT! TWO GUYS KISSING
RAINBOW FLAGS! AAH!
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT THAT'S WHAT I LEARNED.
THE MONTH OF JUNE IS GAY PRIDE MONTH.
THAT'S A LITTLE LONG, DON'T YOU THINK?
FOR A GROUP OF PEOPLE THAT WERE NEVER ENSLAVED
HOW DID THEY GET ALL OF JUNE THE BLACK PEOPLE WERE ACTUALLY
ENSLAVED, THEY GET FEBRUARY. THEY GET 28 DAYS OF OVERCAST
WEATHER. SUN GOES DOWN AT 4:00 IN THE
AFTERNOON. EVERYBODY'S SHIVERING.
NOBODY WANTS TO GO ON THE PARADE
[ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ]
HOW ABOUT YOU HOOK THEM UP WITH JULY
THESE ARE EQUATOR PEOPLE GIVE THEM THE SUN FOR 31 DAYS.
THERE'S GAY BLACK PEOPLE, THEY COULD CELEBRATE FROM JUNE 1st,
JUNE 31st, 61 DAYS TO CELEBRATE. THAT'S MY TIME
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU GUYS, EVERYBODY.
JACK WHITE IS HERE EA SCKROD,E' BAZING.
PLSETI AUN WLLE RIGHT BACK