The next morning, we picked up our clothes from the tailors' and hit the highway.
When I said I wanted the sort of thing the locals would wear to work
I was thinking more working in a shop or on a building site,
not working in an embassy or going to a formal reception.
It's Brighton Beach!
1965, Mods and Rockers!
Richard had a new look, too, but sadly not a new bike.
Because annoyingly, the Minsk had dried out.
Love your work! Is that a smoking jacket?
-Is that a Mod coat? -Oh, yeah, a full Phil Daniels!
Check out the lining!
As usual, however, there was one small problem.
I fear my new Mod look has been spoiled slightly
because somebody has written "penis" on my helmet!
I did that.
As we headed for the ancient capital of Hue on the super-heated highway,
James started to fall behind again.
And all Jeremy and I could think to do was buy him a present.
Something nice and heavy.
It's depressing, being at the back. I think he needs cheering up.
My thoughts exactly,
which is why we've come to Kerry Katona's front room.
"It's all lovely, this!"
Leaping dolphins? What about these lions?
-This is a modern thing. -He's not modern.
No, no modern. He won't like that.
-No, he's very... -Old-fashioned.
-May! Welcome! -Thanks for waiting.
We decided to buy you a present!
-You're standing right next to it. -That?
We thought about that long and hard!
-It's classical. -It is classical.
It's a ballet. We know that you like the ballet.
-So you have actually thought about it? -Yup. Long enough.
Well, that's a real present.
I need some straps.
With Darcey Bussell on the back of his bike,
James was being even more careful than usual.
Which is more than could be said of Hammond.
-My galleon! -All your masts have come off!
They're all down!
I can fix it. I can fix that. You'll never notice.
A toll booth.
Motorbikes go free.
What's he done?
Sorry! I'm sorry!
Hammond just hit the sign in the tollbooth.
I know. That bloke's furious.
Then the Vespa came over all Italian again.
-Do you know something very interesting? -What's that?
My bike isn't broken.
You're not going to believe how they mended it.
-With a hammer? -No.
They got a plastic bag, filled it with weeds,
and kind of wedged all the electrics so they can't jiggle about.
-See that mountain up there, James? -Yes.
-We're going up that. -Right. I'll wait for you at the top.
The mountain was a bit of a surprise.
Because you expect to find many things when you come to Vietnam,
communistical farming, reminders of the war, stunning food, massive heat.
What you don't expect to find is a deserted ribbon of perfection.
One of the best coast roads in the world.
It's called the Hai Van Pass, and in this place, I had an epiphany.
I'm liking this.
Hang on! I'm going for an overtake!
-Yeah! -This is great!
At last, I've got a playmate.
Don't leave me!
Man alive, it keeps getting better!
There are views in the world, and then there's that one.
I know. This is when I'm going to wish I didn't have Darcey with me.
It's gone! Hammond! It's gone again.
It's gone.
-You know we mended it with weeds? -The weed bag, yeah.
The weed bag doesn't work.
Mind you, there are worse places to break down.
We go round the world, but some of the stuff here...
Yeah.
It's made my hair all stand on end.
And there's nobody there... Oh, I tell you who is here.
-Has he arrived? -It's not a majestic sight, is it?
-May. -Yes.
Seriously, look at that view. That's fantastic.
-James? -Yes.
Have you got his present? Or do you know where it is?
-I put it in the camera van. -Go and get it.
Okay.
-Have you really got me a present? -Oh, yes.
We've both been amazed. Your first bike ride,
I think coming up here on this road, you deserve your present now.
-James, present him. -Your present.
-That is very striking, chaps. -Yes.
Funnily enough, that's the word I used.
And I shall try to look after this, Hammond,
a bit better than you're looking after the galleon that I gave you.
Fifty miles to Hue!
Down into second for the difficult hairpin.
Oh, yes! Knee down!
Every time I change down, Darcey clouts me with her breasts!
It's not a complaint. It's an observation.
We thought as we got to the bottom of the pass that we'd be back in the chaos.
But no.
That image really is a metaphor for Vietnam.
The mountains, the coastline,
the big new engineering projects and the traditional fishing scene down here.
With that soundtrack.
It is a fabulous country, it really is.
That night in the hotel, Hammond set about mending his treasured galleon.
I think I may have to cut some of the rigging 'cause there's...
Meanwhile, to pay him back for breaking it in the first place,
I decided to redecorate his treasured bike.
You know he will be apocalyptically cross about this.
But he's cross about everything, so it doesn't really...
It doesn't really...
Let's have a go.
Oh, yes!
Xin chào.
-You like? -Would you like to do some?
-Would you like to do some? Pink! -Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
If he asks, we just say, "Well, the chef did it."
If you painted the back, he'd be furious. Down there.
-Do you have a pencil I could borrow? -Pencil?
Pencil? Yes.
Now look what's happened.
The whole town has turned out to paint Richard Hammond's bike pink.
James and I are doing everything possible to stop them...
-Please, don't do this! -I've given up trying to tell them.
And you missed a bit there that you mustn't do as well.
You can't just go...
-Hang on, has she painted her own bike? -Seriously, don't...It isn't hers!
It's not her...
What happened is, she's got hold of this big paint
and decided everything in the entire car park needs painted pink!
The sun rose over another beautiful day in the 'Nam.
But among us three, the atmosphere was a little tense.
Told you he'd be furious.
Can they really not organize a bloody junction better than this?
No, I know he's cross, but I've told him a chef did it.
-Did he not believe you? -No.
Funny, that.
Oh, dear.