Hey this is Mat Boggs, creator of Cracking the Man Code and I've a question for you.
What practice do you implement when you have a relationship regret that you're experiencing?
The topic of regret comes up a lot in my coaching programs because inevitably in relationships
there's an action that we'll take or something that we'll say that doesn't go the way we
want it to go.
Chances are this has happened in your life as well.
Two of the most dangerous words that we can entertain, when there's something that didn't
go right and we're in a regretful state are the words what if?
Yet those are the words that the paradigm loves to get us to start entertaining, which
is what if I would've said this differently?
Or what if I would've said this at all?
What if I would've shown up or done this differently?
What if I wouldn't have called them?
What if?
It's a downward spiral that is not productive at all.
What you want to do is you want to change the question from what if to what can.
What can I learn from this situation?
What can I do with what I learned to become the best version of me?
I'll tell you a quick story that illustrates this.
One of my best friends ended up falling in love with a woman from Canada.
They were dating a few months and throughout their dating, getting to know one another.
One of the things that she told him was, "Hey I'm not really a girl who likes surprises."
My buddy who loves surprises and loves spontaneity was like, "Yeah, yeah all right okay."
A couple months later Christmas rolls around and he decides to surprise her by showing
up on Christmas Eve.
He buys a ticket, flies to Canada.
Knock, knock, knock at the door.
She comes to the door and he's like, "Surprise!"
She's like, "Hahaha what are you doing here?"
He's like, "I'm here to spend Christmas with you.
How awesome!"
She's like, "Okay um ..." It was like totally awkward and he thought that she would kind
of warm up to the idea of surprises but definitely not.
She's like, "Look I mean I appreciate you coming, you flew all the way here and it's
Christmas and I care about you and I haven't even told my dad that we're dating.
In my family you don't even talk about a boyfriend.
Our culture is you don't talk about a boyfriend until it's serious and you're going to bring
him to meet the family, it better well be serious and well along the way.
We haven't even talked yet and so I feel so bad because I'm going to be with my family
and we have the whole day planned for Christmas tomorrow.
We got Christmas Eve stuff going on today."
He was like, "Oh okay.
Well maybe I'll just fly home."
She's like, "No don't fly home.
You flew all the way here."
She felt trapped and then he felt trapped and when they would go out to dinner it was
super awkward because she had to get back to her family.
She didn't want to leave him and it was just this horrible situation for both of them.
He finally flies home and she calls him a couple days later and called the whole thing
off.
She says, "Look I don't think we're right for each other.
We don't have the same values."
Basically breaks up with him.
He was heartbroken.
This is a woman that he wanted to marry.
He was calling me up before they broke up and say, "Man I think this is the one."
Here he is heartbroken and that what if paradigms are just tearing away at his mind and his
heart.
Saying what if you had just told her that you were going to go up there?
She told you she didn't like surprises.
You could've at least let her know.
What if you didn't go up there at all?
You guys would still be together today.
What if you had just sent her a package for Christmas?
These are tearing away at his mind and his heart.
He decides, you know what?
I'm going to pick myself back up, dust myself off and ask a different question.
Instead of what if, the question is what can.
What can I learn from this situation?
After reflecting on it for a while.
He learned, I should really listen to my partner when she tells me what she wants and what
she values.
That's a good practice for a healthy relationship.
I should really listen.
What if I was with someone who valued the same things I do?
What if I was with someone who actually valued adventure and spontaneity, at least more than
relationship did.
He decided to pick himself up with this learning and move forward in his life.
Shortly thereafter he met another amazing woman.
A very different woman than the previous woman he had dated.
Him and this new woman, they fell in love and that relationship blossomed.
She shared more of the adventure and spontaneity than the previous relationship did.
They fell in love, got married and today they have a beautiful little girl.
The moral of the story is, we will all make mistakes.
We all screw up at time.
When you're down and you're feeling regretful about something that's happened in your life,
instead of asking the question, what if?
What if?
What if I had done it differently?
Shift to a different question.
Which is what can?
What can I learn from this?
What can I do with what I learned to become the best version of myself?
Then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward because your greatest relationships,
your greatest experiences in life are in front of you.
But you've got to be moving forward to experience that.
Now I would love to hear from you.
What strategy is effective for you when you're feeling regret in a situation?
What do you do to help pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward?
Post a comment in the section below.
I love reading your comments and if you like this video, go ahead and share it with someone
that you care about.
If you're not subscribed to this channel, make sure to take a moment, click that button,
get subscribed so you can be the first to get the latest and greatest videos that come
out every week.
And as a gift for you I posted a link in this video, it's also in the description to a resource
that will help you in this situation, helps increase the love in your life.
Thanks so much for watching.
I'll see you soon.