- I love rapping.
I love freestyle rap.
That is rap, that is made up.
It's not written well.
- [Female Audience Member] Do it!
Yeah, we're going to, we're going to.
The thing with freestyle
is it requires your input.
You know?
It's not prepared.
So you guys are gonna tell me what you want to rap about.
If you are in this segment here,
let's get a suggestion and then we'll have some fun.
So what would you like?
Yeah you've got a hand up here very casually.
Yeah.
- [Male Audience Member] A bris.
A bris?
That's because I spoke about foreskins,
and you were like,
oh, does he know that bris
is the Jewish name for the circumcision ceremony?
I do, yeah.
Um, okay.
A bris.
It's a good word innit?
It's onomatopoeic.
Let's come to,
if you're in this kind of rectangle here.
what would you like a rap about?
- [Female Audience Member] Fidel Castro!
- Oh, Fidel Castro.
I thought you said fetal Castro.
- [Female Audience Member] It sounds the same in English,
so its the same thing.
- That's amazing yeah.
Fidel Castro.
Great.
Fidel Castro.
What?
Oh did you just say go?
No, we have to get three more suggestions first.
We can't just do a rap about.
We could do a rap about bris and Fidel Castro,
but these people would be upset
cause they'd been doing their thinking.
The kind of like the kind of shadowy table over here.
- [Male Audience Member] Suez Canal.
- One second, you're not in that segment.
And also the Suez Canal,
would have been a great suggestion a year ago,
when people were like,
oh, remember the boat that was stuck innit?
But people on this table,
what do you want a rap about?
- [Girls From Shadowy Table] Girl scouts!
Okay.
Well done for teaming up.
Were you all in the girl scouts?
- [Girls From Shadowy Table] Maybe.
- Maybe?
- [Girls From Shadowy Table] When I got my silver award.
When you got your?
You are too drunk to engage.
Maybe I was in the girl scouts.
It could have just been
some people that invited me to their house.
And maybe give them cookies,
I don't know.
Girl Scouts, Fidel Castro, bris.
Who down here was putting their hand up so eagerly.
Yeah, there's a table here with people.
You're just so polite,
I love that.
When like a British person's like,
I'm gonna do a rap.
You're like, well, we'll behave ourselves and we'll take,
we'll put our hands up.
- [Male Audience Member #2] A Persian rug.
Persian rug.
- A Persian rug, cool.
Yeah.
Why are you upset with that?
- [Female Audience Member] Just excited, I'm Persian.
- Excited.
Oh, you're Persian?
Oh, but they're fucking expensive rugs innit?
Cause I was, my wife was like,
we need to get a rug for this room.
And I was like, oh, let's get a Persian rug.
And we looked it up,
and like genuine Persian rugs are like in the thousands.
So we got an Afghan rug,
which is like similar and good.
And it arrived.
And then a week later Afghanistan fell.
And so like every time I'm in our front room,
I like just like,
just look down at it, and I'm just like,
we got you out little buddy don't worry.
You're safe now don't worry.
Don't worry.
Okay.
Persian rugs, bris, Fidel Castro, girl scouts.
And then we'll come to candle light.
The kind of area here.
What'd you guys want to rap up?
- [Male Audience Member #3] Chlamydia.
- [Male Audience Member #4] Lindisfarne.
- So you said chlamydia and you said Lindisfarne,
Lindisfarne is inherently more interesting than chlamydia.
Lindisfarne is a monastery that can be accessed at low tide.
You can walk across to it, correct yeah?
Cool, yeah okay.
Yeah, you all want chlamydia, but no, fuck off.
Lindisfarne.
- [Female Audience Member] Fuck off!
Are you enjoying that I say fuck off?
Yes.
Okay.
So Fidel Castro, girls scouts, Lindisfarne,
Persian rug and bris.
Those are some lovely suggestions guys.
And this is gonna be a lovely freestyle rap.
If we can drop that beat good sir.
It's all made up.
It's all improvised.
And it's based on your suggestions and yeah.
Oh fucking.
This is a fly beat.
I'm excited, it's pretty chill.
It's pretty chill because it's like a Monday innit mate?
It's Monday, nice.
Cool.
♪ Chill up on a Monday you enjoy this ♪
♪ So you a Jewish man ♪
♪ If you are you probably got the bris ♪
♪ I don't know no ♪
♪ Taking down your pants so I could check ♪
♪ You be looking at the lady to your side ♪
♪ Like what's next ♪
♪ Dizzy gonna examine there like Delve in ♪
♪ Grabbin' on the balls ♪
♪ Get the whole thing ♪
♪ The foreskin ♪
♪ Its gone ♪
♪ Removed in the past ♪
♪ Aye aye ♪
♪ They like to magnify a kind of creepy rabbi ♪
♪ Looking down there ♪
♪ Ceremonial on the scissor ♪
♪ He'll have to chop it off with precision ♪
♪ Are you a Jewish man going through the surgery ♪
♪ You're looking confused with the uncertainty ♪
♪ Like the lady over there ♪
♪ When I was asking about ♪
♪ If in your childhood you were in the girl scouts ♪
♪ You were so confused ♪
♪ Like slightly drunk ♪
♪ Saying silver awards I thunk ♪
♪ I think is what you got ♪
♪ You were there in the troop ♪
♪ Selling so many cookies feeling cockahoop ♪
♪ Boy scouts coming in ♪
♪ Time to call the troops ♪
♪ Did you ever go camping ♪
♪ Can you deduce how to set up a tent ♪
♪ Or do some knots ♪
♪ I like the boy scouts more ♪
♪ But the girls more hot ♪
♪ Not of that age ♪
♪ I'm not saying that I'm going wild ♪
♪ Even though in the accent if I say pedophile its fine ♪
♪ Let me talk about the opposite end of a spectrum ♪
♪ Down in Cuba with my friend ♪
♪ Not Che Guevara ♪
♪ The guy that led the who shabang ♪
♪ Fidel Castro ♪
♪ What a fucking man with a good beard ♪
♪ Yeah the best by far ♪
♪ His son Raul is alive ♪
♪ But Fidel's like cigars ♪
♪ Cause he's burnt up and gone ♪
♪ Believed in the country ♪
♪ If he's alive still ♪
♪ Anyway thunk these facts ♪
♪ He was down there ♪
♪ Please be aware ♪
♪ When it comes to having good healthcare ♪
♪ Fidel established it ♪
♪ So much on offer ♪
♪ Per person in Cuba ♪
♪ they got more doctors than any other place ♪
♪ They're reading and they're education is real good ♪
♪ That's the situation ♪
♪ A communist rebellion ♪
♪ Getting free of dictators ♪
♪ But then turned into one himself later still ♪
♪ It don't matter I don't mind ♪
♪ If I had chlamydia ♪
♪ Still I had a fun time ♪
♪ Going off to the doctor ♪
♪ I had my fill ♪
♪ Yeah it drips, drips, drips ♪
♪ But I get the pill ♪
♪ And they arrive why ♪
♪ Cause online they're prescribed ♪
♪ Discrete in the package ♪
♪ Its right by my side ♪
♪ I shouldn't have the sex ♪
♪ Still we can all agree ♪
♪ In your life you're gonna get two or three STD's ♪
♪ And it doesn't even matter ♪
♪ If I go home then I couldn't have been madder ♪
♪ Than if I spilled red wine there on my rug ♪
♪ I don't rock the Persian ♪
♪ I'm not a rich thug ♪
♪ I gotta get that Afghan ♪
♪ If still I had plenty of money ♪
♪ Get Persians from back in the 70's ♪
♪ If you don't Persian ♪
♪ Geographic understand ♪
♪ Its basically said if you are from Iran ♪
♪ But don't like the modern day people there ♪
♪ You'd be down there nodding head with your hair ♪
♪ Saying yo Chris ♪
♪ He knows it ♪
♪ Ever so amazing ♪
♪ What was the other topic that we're raising ♪
♪ Remind me about it ♪
♪ Nah this will do the charm ♪
♪ I think about the monks way back in Lindisfarne ♪
♪ They were non too shabby ♪
♪ Hanging out on the Abbey ♪
♪ They sold their little nuns ♪
♪ They were like she's a baddy ♪
♪ But we can't do anything ♪
♪ Yeah set them straight ♪
♪ That Abbot in Lindisfarne like you celibate ♪
♪ And so they've gotta sit there but no masturbate ♪
♪ The monks on Lindisfarne yeah they really hate ♪
♪ You can go and visit it ♪
♪ No need to take a ship ♪
♪ If the tides going low you can just walk to it ♪
♪ Looking like there ♪
♪ Oh, and now we've arrived ♪
♪ But then you're stuck for another day at the high tide ♪
♪ So you twiddling your thumbs ♪
♪ Learning bout' the history of all the monks ♪
♪ At the monastery to me a mystery ♪
♪ So, maybe just look it up online ♪
♪ Not in your house while your sat on Persian rugs ♪
♪ Wondering bout' the girl scouts ♪
(audience cheering)