I've probably said more times than my
own name
they should announce a sequel to
Groundhog Day and then just rerelease
the original if I had a dollar for every
time I needed a dollar
I would never need a dollar does a
frozen-yogurt headache burn fewer
calories than an ice cream headache
if Nick Offerman's wife didn't want to
change her name would they compromise
for Nick offer woman
if I touch my phone in the right places
Pizza will show up at my front door
using your laptop to research buying a
new one is like asking it to dig its own
grave
Will Ferrell and Pharrell Williams
have reverse names is my brown belt sad
that I chose my black belt this morning
when a pregnant woman swims
she's basically a human submarine
if you break a pencil you have two
pencils but if you break a pen you have
zero pens the roof of your mouth is
actually more like a ceiling
a birth certificate is basically a baby
receipt I wonder what my dog named me
you