Live without regret and bitterness and resentment.
It doesn't help anyone and doesn't help you.
Hi, this is Marisa Peer,
founder and creator of RTT®, Rapid Transformational Therapy®
a brand new therapy that is taking the world by storm,
And people say to me, "Where did you get this RTT® from?
"How did you come up with it?"
And honestly, my own clients taught me everything.
I spent all my adult life studying human behavior
and they were my best teachers.
They showed me what people wanted.
I had an agony column for years.
I had three actually at different times.
People would write to me and go,
"Okay, my husband cheated on me."
"My friend cut me out of a business deal."
"My business partner stole from me."
"My own mother hurt me,
"I want to forgive but I can't forget.
"Should I forgive and forget or forgive and not forget?"
Or, "I'm trying to forgive but I just can't move on.
"What do I do?"
And I tell them what I'm going to tell you
and it's very important.
When you forgive the other person, it's not for them.
It is for you.
You forgive the other person for your sake
so you don't hold onto resentment
and bitterness and pain.
If someone has hurt you and you hold onto that hurt,
you don't just punish them, you punish you.
It's like that saying of
"well, my partner hurt me and I'm going to suffer and not eat
"and smoke cigarettes so just to let them know
"how much they've hurt me."
But in doing that, you're also hurting you.
So should you forgive another person?
Well, not always.
Most of my clients come in and say,
"You know, I want to forgive."
And I go, "Well, that's going to be
"the last thing, not the first."
I have many clients who go on to say,
"Yeah, my dad abused me. My mum hit me.
"My parents were mean to me, but I want to forgive them."
And I go, "Okay, we're not playing happy families here yet.
"Let's work through this and forgiveness will be
"the last thing you do, not the first.
"You will do it last."
Other people come in and go, "I'm never going to forgive them.
"I will never, never, never, never forgive that person."
I'm going, "Okay, but who is hurting the most, them or you?"
They go, "Me." I go, "Well, exactly."
So should you forgive someone?
Well, if it's hurting you to hold onto the bitterness,
yes you should.
The only time you don't forgive someone is they do it again.
"I'm going to forgive my partner for cheating,
"and they do it again and again."
"I'm forgiving someone for hurting me,
"and they've just done it again."
So forgiveness is for you but you have to be able to say,
"Look, I forgive you.
"You really hurt my feelings when...
"It hurt me very much when...
"But I'm going to forgive you."
Everyone deserves a second chance.
But if they continue to behave in a way that hurts,
you have to decide,
"No, I can't keep this person in my life."
But you have to be able to say, "That doesn't work for me.
"That's not right for me."
I've also had people...
One of my clients said,
"You know, my parents killed my brother.
"They behaved in such a way, he was so upset.
"He went out in the car. He had a car crash.
"He died and I'll never forgive them."
I go, "Well, I understand that
"because they're abusive people,
"and sometimes not forgiving protects you."
I've had many people whose parents were
paedophiles and sex abusers.
"And should I forgive them?"
I'm like, "I'm not sure. I mean what does that mean?
"You're going to go back and see these people again
"who are going to hurt you."
But do remember if you forgive anyone, it is for you.
So look at someone's behavior and say,
"Okay, I'm willing to forgive what you did
if I understand why you did it,
and if I understand that this behavior
will not be repeated."
Here's something I love.
If you stand in a store
and someone rams their shopping cart into your legs,
that is their fault.
But if you stand there and they do it again and again,
it's now become your fault
because you didn't get out of the way.
If someone is going to hurt you,
you've got to get out of the way.
You've got to say, "You hurt me but I'm responsible.
"I'm not allowing you to hurt me again.
"I'm with an alcoholic." "I'm with a drug user."
"I'm with someone who's abusive and I moved away.
"I forgave them but I didn't give them consent
"to come back into my life and do it again."
So there's a big difference.
You can forgive someone who's contrite, who's regretful,
who's willing to explain what they did.
You can forgive someone who didn't know better.
Most of our parents don't go,
"Hey hey, where's Google? Okay, Google.
"I'm going to Google how to damage my kid
"for the rest of their life.
"What can I do?"
Even parents who make grave mistakes
are usually victims of their own upbringing.
If they could do better, they would do better.
So if you knew that, look, they had a bad time,
they acted out what they knew,
and if they could have done better,
they would have done better, you can forgive them.
But if they blatantly keep carrying on with that behavior,
you don't have to forgive them.
For instance, if your parents were abusive
and hit you and hurt you
and then later said, "You know, I'm so sorry,
"I was an alcoholic at that time, I was mentally unwell,
"I was depressed, I was struggling,
"I'm so regretful, I wish I'd been a better parent,
"if I could do anything to make it up, I would,"
then you can forgive them.
If they still exhibit that same behavior,
shouting at you, diminishing you,
wanting to put their hands on you,
then you have to say, "Okay, I will forgive you
"but I'm not having you in my life.
"I'm keeping a distance."
You see, you must protect yourself.
Get out of the way of someone
who does not care about your feelings.
If someone doesn't care about you,
that's that metaphorical shopping cart
they're ramming into your legs,
and you've got to get out of the way,
and you can forgive them for acting out
but you also must remove yourself,
and if they continue to act badly,
you can forgive them but you have to make a choice
I'm not going back there.
You know, if I was sitting behind a heater
that was belching out toxic fumes,
I would know I must leave the room.
This is the toxic heater but there are toxic people too
and you must leave them, keep your distance.
You can forgive them.
You can write to them and go,
"Hey, by the way, I forgive you for everything you did,
"however I cannot have a relationship with you at the moment
"because you still have that same behavior.
"I cannot have a relationship with you
"because I'm healing myself."
You have to put yourself first.
You are the most important person.
And it's fine to say, "My mother was sad
"and she was a battered wife
"and she was poor and she had six kids,
"and of course, I forgive her for acting out."
That's okay, but if she's still acting out,
you can still forgive her.
The difference is you don't need to be around someone
who doesn't care about your feelings.
So if you say, "I forgive. Should I forget?"
Well, it's hard to forget.
Your mind is wired to remember anything that hurt you.
In remembering what hurt you,
you remember not to do it again.
So if any of you have had a child,
like my nephew burnt himself on a candle
when he was about two.
Every time he saw a flame, he'd go "burn, hot burn".
He was remembering what hurt him.
One of my friends went and put their hand on an iron
that his big sister left on the floor
and every time he saw an iron, he'd go "burn, hot, burn"
because he was remembering "that will hurt me."
And when people hurt you,
you often do need to remember that they hurt you
to make sure they don't hurt you again.
So you can forgive them but you don't have to forget.
Most people will go, "You know, I forgave my partner
and I forgot all about the affair."
They don't really forget. They make a choice.
They're going to spend a little while discussing the affair,
and if you've been cheated on,
it's a very good idea to just say,
"Okay, we need to have a discussion about what happened,
"what went wrong, why you did that.
"I need you to answer some questions,
"and we're going to have maybe six weeks and I'm going to ask questions
"so you're going to tell me the truth,
"and then, we will draw a line and move on
"and I won't refer to it again."
Because you can't years later go,
"Yeah, but you cheated.
"Yeah, but you were one that was unfaithful."
You can't make your fights a history lesson.
So whatever happened when someone hurt you,
discuss it, allow themselves to answer questions,
but then there must be a cut off point
where it's put away, it's dealt with, you move on,
and in moving on, you can't bring it up
every time you have a disagreement.
"You were the one that emptied out the bank account
"and put us in debt.
"It was your fault that we didn't do this,
"or that, it was your fault you didn't take insurance
"and you forgot to switch off the oven
"and the house burnt down."
You can't do that 10 years later.
Have a period where it's discussed, draw a line,
forgive, move on.
It isn't really that you forget but you make a decision.
I will not keep digging up this point.
I don't need to keep opening a wound.
I don't need to make my future
a history lesson about the past.
And I've seen many people
who recovered from infidelity and betrayal
and went on to have wonderful relationships,
stayed beautiful friends with a person that hurt them
because they recognized keeping it in is hurting me
more than them.
They made a mistake. I'll give them one second chance.
And if you can do that, it's great.
But if you decide not to, do not make yourself suffer.
So you can forgive, you don't need to forget,
but you do need to draw a line under
referring to the damage over and over again.
Remember, forgiveness is for you. Are you forgiving?
Can you give yourself the gift of not holding onto the past?
The past is gone. The future isn't even here.
You only have the present.
Live without regret and bitterness and resentment.
It doesn't help anyone and it doesn't help you.
I would love to help you
so please share, please like, please subscribe
and please send this to anyone who's suffering
with not knowing how to forgive and forget and move on.
And finally, I love helping people like you.
If there's anything I could do to help you more,
let me know.
I do what I love. I love what I do.
Tell me how I can help you more
and I will make content that helps you more.
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Thanks for listening. See you very soon.
Lots of love, bye.