when you really love somebody and you
really are in a relationship with them
they know all your trauma all the pain
all the darkness and therefore they can
actually end up becoming a protector of
that
and uh
camilla in a lot of ways became a big
protector for me and it wasn't until a
month after you know we broke up and
things were starting to kind of get
clear for me again
that
i started to see okay
now i got to be the one to like stand
here and
and take on these things and and i might
not have someone to fall back on
[Music]
it was i think
maybe a month after camilla and i split
up and um
i think the thing that i was feeling at
the time
was
this
kind of missing space of support and
kind of protection and like you're not
going back to the hotel room and
facetiming at the end of the night
you're not like seeing a text from them
in the morning and like all these things
that you got really used to that
provided a lot of comfort and stability
in your life just kind of disappear the
song actually started like a real slow
ballad it was right after it'll be okay
came out and we were like inspired by
ballads jonah who produced the song came
over a young kid from new york he just
immediately like pulled it up and was
like sped it up by
50 bpm and we got to where we got
you never know how good you have it
until you're staring at a picture of the
only god that matters
i
know what
we're supposed to do
[Music]
it's hard
for me
to let go of you so i'm just trying to
hold on before camila and i started
dating i would i was like i'd find
pictures of her and be like damn
it's annoying when you like look at a
photo of a person you're like
it makes you feel differently than
everybody else i mean still to this day
she's she makes me feel differently than
everybody else and i think that's like
the magic of
of what like a real loving relationship
is it was just a hilarious moment to
kind of go full circle and and the
relationship to kind of be over and to
still see the photo and still feel the
same way at the time i was like afraid
of that feeling never going away i think
i was writing it from a place of fear
that she might be the only girl that
matters for my entire life but then i
realized that that love is allowed to
stay you know there's no reason to like
banish that love it's it's allowed to
stay she's always allowed to matter that
much to me and more people can matter
that much as well i think it's like
living in the feeling of abundance and
not scarcity you know
hold on i don't wanna know what it's
like when you're gone
i don't wanna move on i don't wanna know
what it's like when you're gone for good
you're slipping through my fingertips
a little bit by a little bit
there's a difference between somebody
being gone out of the room and somebody
being gone out of your life and for a
moment she was gone out of the room and
i was like holding on because i didn't
want her gone out of my life i didn't
know they love you i was the happiest
i've ever been so i'm just trying to
hold on
the thing about songs
is that they're real
stamps in time so many
thoughts were coming back
of and and memories of like time we
really got to spend together and like
after a lot of years of feeling like
constantly like stressed or in fear i
felt this fear kind of fade and the
stress fade and i was able to kind of
just be this like
person again that felt free and
i was so happy in that in that moment
i need to learn how to cope without you
i'm trying to protect myself but only
you know how to
oh i
know what
we're supposed to do
but i hate
the thought
of losing you
so i'm just trying to hold on i
especially do tend to like walk around
with armor on i don't like to take it
off until i know that i'm not going to
be wounded and then you take the armor
off in front of that person that you can
trust
and uh you know they're not going to
hurt you it's not just like you get to
be in a relationship but you get to like
you get to really know me and i get to
really know you i trust you to like
really go there with me you know and
that's like the best thing about a
relationship in my opinion you can't get
that anywhere else
it's starting to feel like you don't
need me you wanna believe it's all for
the better it's getting really missing
you deeply yeah
so i'm just trying to hold on start in
the field like you don't need me wanna
believe it's all for the better it's
getting real missing you teethy
so i'm just trying to hold on you know
the thing for the bridge is that the
melody the second we wrote it especially
with the chords the way they're changing
underneath it really remind me of an old
taylor swift song like red album taylor
and i was always just like obsessed with
that part actually like 90 of the people
who i play the song too tell me the
bridge is their favorite part
i was constantly
torn between
you know
i know why we we split up and it was for
the best and it truly was
but
there's so many reasons that i i feel
like i need to hold on to this you know
i don't trust
life enough to just be like that was the
right decision yet