- Where you at though? Where you at?
- 34, 24, shabloimps, blip blip.
Oh man, check this out dawg, check this out.
Look at his fine piece of ass
all the way down the street here, dawg.
- That's what I'm talking about though. Hey girl!
Yeah, walk this way with that fine ass.
So blip! - Yeah girl.
Why don't you come down here and put that in my mouth,
'cause daddy want a snack.
- Blip, blap, taking a bap.
- Why you hurting me girl? - Frisky.
- Why you hurting me? - Friskety.
- That's deliciousness. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Keep it coming. Ye...
And that is a professional basketball mascot.
- That is a man in an orange rhinoceros costume.
- Hell, I'd (beep) that rhino.
♪ But I don't need you ♪
(bluesy music) (church bells ringing)
- Wooee Miss Clarissa, I'm gonna tell you girl,
in that dress you're looking about as sweet
as a field full of honeysuckle after spring rain shower.
How do you do it, girl?
- That ass, though. (harmonica music)
- What was that? - What was what?
- What you just said to her.
- Oh, well I was just following your lead.
- No, you wasn't.
You was being all heavy handed with it, man.
You gotta be subtle.
Subtle. - Exactly.
You gotta be subtle you want to talk to them ladies.
- I can do that. - Look here.
- Woooee, Ms. Denise, girl,
the way that dress is flowing,
you look like a mountain reek after a spring thaw,
simply refreshing.
What if your secret?
- Way that dress fitting on you,
got them titties popping out.
- What?
- Amazing. What is your secret?
- What are you doing?
- I was just doing what you was doing.
- No, you wasn't.
- I even said "What is your secret," that's verbatim.
- That part was.
Did you hear me saying anything about anybody's titties?
- No. - You know what?
How about we just say no words altogether?
- No words altogether. - Mmmhmm.
- Question. - Yeah?
- How will I talk?
- You're not going to talk, okay?
- [Peele] Right.
- Wooooee, ladies, I'm sorry, y'all hurting my eye.
Y'all just like smoldering like the sun
and just as bright in them beautiful dresses.
(Peele humming suggestively)
- Mm, vagina.
- What the hell was that?
- Oop, I did say a word at the end there, didn't I?
- Did you see the part where all this was going on
and shaking your tail feathers and whatnot?
- I didn't see it, I got the worst view in the house.
- That's what chased them away, man.
- All right. - You know what?
Stay away from me. - All right.
- Woooee, Miss Laverne, you like a long-stemmed rose,
the way you looking and smelling, mm mm mm.
What is your recipe?
- Damn boy, I bet you got a big old dick and balls.
- I love you. (harmonica music)
- [Key] Oh man, I really had to get outta the house.
- I'm just glad you came out.
- Appreciate it. - For real.
- Man check this girl out, man, she is fine.
- She aight.
- Really? - Hey man,
I am going to go to the bathroom.
- Okay man, see ya in a minute.
- You know what?
I told myself this morning, I wasn't gonna fall in love.
You went and made me break my only rule.
I'm gonna take that right quick.
I am going to take that. I'm going to use that.
Okay? - Oh, hey, what's up man?
You just got her number, huh?
- Yeah, Cheyenne.
- Oh, is that her name?
- Yeah, she was fly.
- See, that's the girl I was talking about.
- Oh snap. Are you serious?
- Yeah, dude. - Oh, I'm sorry.
- Ain't no thing man, forget it man.
There's plenty of hotties here.
- I just thought you were talking about someone else.
- Check her out.
(Peele zooming)
- I'm not a sports man, but think me and you
could touch down later, if you know what I'm saying.
Am I being stupid?
But for real though, just gimme your number, whatever.
Thank you, girl, I'm gonna take that.
- How did you get over here so fast?
- Huh?
- Nothing, it just seemed like you...
- [Reporter] The death toll has climbed to seven...
- [Key] Damn, that reporter is smoking hot.
(menacing music) What that (beep)?
No. No. No.
Huh? Yeah.
No, no.
- [Woman] Hey baby.
- How are you, how are you doing that?
- [Woman] Honey, what's wrong?
- Baby, I love you.
I'm sorry, I was out.
I was looking at other women tonight
but you are all there is.
I love you.
(menacing music)
(Middle Eastern music)
- Jahar my friend, there are a lot
of beautiful women out here today.
- Kadeem, my friend, you speak the truth.
- I do what I can.
- Wow. - Right?
- Blip. - Shabloimps.
- You know, I caught a little glimpse of her foot nut.
- You saw ankle bone?
You got some ankle cleavage, you dirty devil, huh?
You saw?
(overlapping talking)
Very good, very good, very good.
(tongue waggling) Love that.
- Dude, did you see the bridge on that nose?
- I mean, if it is any indication, holy garbanzo beans.
- There is a bridge I'd like to cross.
(both laughing)
- This is my boy. This is my boy. This is my boy.
- Huh.
- Not a lot to go on. - Not really, not really
- Good height. - Good height.
- Good height. - Crazy tall.
- Like 5'9".
- Huh? Come on, come on, come on, come on.
She's tall. - That's right.
- She's tall. - She's tall.
- There's nothing too tall.
- Let me see, let me see it from behind.
Let me see it from behind.
That's how you hit it, that's how you hit it.
- Jahar, can I tell you something in confidence right now?
- What is it? - I'm a virgin.
(exciting music)
- Oh my God Jahar, my friend. - Yes Rajim?
- We are a long way from home.
- Every American woman is more infidel than the last right.
- You're telling me my good friend.
Nine o'clock, nine o'clock, nine o'clock.
- Blip. - Shabloimp.
- Okay? Come on.
Full frontal face? Only in America baby.
- [Both] Only in America.
- What did you see?
- This is yours, and then that is yours.
What did you see? What did see?
- I tell you what I saw. - What?
- I see a little bit of forearm,
a little bit of the thigh, and I saw some ankle nut.
- You got ankle nut? - Oh I got ankle nut.
- The whole baba ganoush, huh?
- In America, it's like we got the X-ray vision.
- Oop, here we go, here we go, here we go.
Holy tabbouleh, would you look
at the leg elbows on that one?
Woo! - Tell you what.
(both laughing)
What I wouldn't do for six seconds with her?
(both laughing)
- What would you do?
- I want to show you right now.
- You're gonna show me?
- Spot me man.
(voices overlapping)
I'll show what I'd do right now.
I would pump it high and low.
And then I would lift it to the ceiling.
Lift it to the ceiling. (Rajim squealing)
Working the body.
- [Both] Working the body, working the body,
working the body, working the body.
Do it to the head, give it to the head, give it to the head.
- Oop, oop, belly button.
We got belly button in the building.
We got belly button.
(both gasping)
That's belly button my friend.
- I couldn't believe we saw belly button.
I've never seen a belly button on a woman before.
I thought it was a myth. - Yes.
It's like the butthole of the belly.
- It is, what I wouldn't do for.
- What would you do? - Give me.
- Show me, show me.
- I will if you give me the ball.
- Show me, show me, show me, show me.
- I'm gonna show it to you right now.
- I'm ready, I'm ready.
Ho, come on, you can feel it.
- Grab the hair, do it.
(overlapping voices)
Let's switch positions.
Let's do it. - Lock 'em up.
- I will show you the world.
- Shining, shimmering, splendid.
- Don't you dare close your eyes.
- Yes, princess, yes...
Infidels.
- Homosexual American devils.
- Give them the whistle of disapproval.
- I will right now.
(wolf whistles)
- That is my boy.
- That should teach them. - That is my boy, huh?
(classical music)
- Here is your white wine.
- Thank you. - You are welcome.
Hey Pete, little thirsty tonight?
Ha, yeah, super thirsty.
- Pete, this is Herasa. Herasa, this is Pete.
Herasa just got back from Africa.
- Oh Africa.
- Anyways, you were saying?
- Oh, the AUC. - Oh, right.
- So this conflict is exactly the reason
the African Union Commission was put in place to address.
- [Herasa] The Organization of African Unity
certainly wasn't gonna do anything.
- Exactly, and if Kosta Glamini Zuma
wants to do anything about Bongwi,
she certainly being quiet about it.
- The worst thing about Bongwi
is that no one knows what's going on.
- Oh I know, right?
- I mean, look at right next door in the South Sudan.
- Here's the thing, everybody just thinks that it's like
it's the Lion King over there, you know?
- Lion King.
- Excuse me?
- It's not the Lion King.
- Exactly.
- I mean, what do people think,
a baboon is gonna hold a lion cub over a rock,
up to the sun while all these little animals sing?
- Anyway, something else I wanted to mention
is they have the manpower because Amazon
has 25,000 troops just sitting there in Somalia.
- It's not a three animated hyena situation.
That doesn't make any sense.
The bad isn't Scar over there.
- Um, yeah. Yeah, that's right.
It's not like Scar's the bad guy
- Huh, well, I mean, you know
the truth is no one knows who to blame,
because in reality Amazon doesn't have that much control.
- They don't. - Like Simba.
Oh, like Simba. He had no control over.
He was plucked out from his home
and went on a whole journey before he came back
and was just in the middle of a war
that really had nothing to do with him.
- You know, Pete, I'd be really interested
in hearing your thoughts
on the UN's policies in East Africa.
- Hakuna matata.
- Unbelievable. - Yes.
My God, that sums it up perfectly.
Wow, there's so much work still to be done.
- Yes, that's what I was saying.
- It's been going on for so many years
- So many years, circle of life.
- Hmm, exactly. That's really brilliant
- I don't know about brilliant.
Let's dial it back, I'm just a man.
- Okay I'm gonna go get some hors d'oeuvres.
- Okay, no need to announce it.
- What are your thoughts on the Middle East?
- Aladdin.
- Yeah.
("Key and Peele Theme")
♪ I want you ♪
♪ But I don't need you ♪